under one roof

i'm constantly thinking what is the value of friendship.
the question strikes me now and then especially when i felt disappreciated by my friends. It intrigues me and confuse me at the same time as i get different answers from different people at different period of time.

I learnt from the kokkers that friends are great companions for great moments. I learnt from my churchmates that friends are peoples with the same enthusiasm and zest to serve God and able to support each other spiritually. I learnt from my college friends that friends will parted sooner or later, just appreciate every moment that we shared together.

However, what did i learnt from my housemates? the bitter part of the friendship? The friends i'd screwed up with were all the people who i lived with under one roof. i guess its all true for the chinese saying '相处容易，同住难'.

when the conflict was first happened with my first housemates,
'i'm a lousy housemates', thats what i felt, devastation.
hence, i changed, i transformed, i tried with great effort to mend back the broken relationship, even if it means that i have to bid back own my tears, hide my weariness under my happy go lucky mask, i have no regrets. In the end, the relationship survived. however, time is not always the best elixer. There is a pain in my heart which can never be healed even as the time passed by. Cuz i know that she can never accept me for the way i am.

when the second conflicts came, i had already moved out of the roof, yet still, the critisms and harsh words poured like crazy on me. i never recalled being hurt so badly before and all i asked from him was to have mercy on me.

the third time is a typical gender war, i guess men are really from Mars and women are from jupiters. From tiny winny matters like not doing households, cookings, washing toilets, intoleratable desibles of sounds to intense issues such as trust among friendship, the whole house is in chaos. However this time, i asked for no mercy, i wont feel guilty nor going to mourn for days thinking that i am always the wrong one, and i will not felt pathetic for the fact that friends come and friends go.

i give up, just let it be.

let it snow let it snow

Christmas time is near...
my biological clock had switched to the lazy mode,
lazy morning, lazy atmosphere, lazy lazy lazy... (-.-)zzz
i'm stretching my legs and listening to chipmunks christmas songs in the early morning in the chilled and empty library,
*yawning*
it has been ages since the last time i felt so relaxed,
just enjoying the morning breeze while my minds wandered to a far far land.
i remember when i was young, (Gosh, i think i sound like one of the kokkers lad, Zaidel)
the happiest moment of the christmas day was me and my brother decorating the christmas tree together.
Its a simple sheer of happiness,
when the christmas songs was played from my old old radio,
with my brother humming to the song,
and seeing the dull christmas tree transformed into so colorful and breathtakingly beautiful.
i just cant stop giggling like a kid.
The most happening moment was the minute the colorful neon lights of the christmas trees came alive,
simply cant suppressed the warm feelings blossomed inside of me with all the colors dancing euphotically infront of eyes.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!!!!
i sincerely wish that everyone is enjoying this christmas,
put down all your guards and inhibition,
shed away all the worries and gloominess,
For God sake, its only once in a whole year, please enjoy it!


p/s: The chipmunks christmas songs is damn funny...
'all i want for christmas is my two front teeth' LOL
(download it here Chipmunks Christmas Album)

presentation

Have a presentation later, in 10 minutes time.
*nnnnngggggggg*
gnawing my teeth, my palm is sweating, getting nervous now.
in fact this morning i told bull that i aint felt any nervous at all,
oh susan, you are pathetic.
underneath your confident skin,
you are just a small girl in a big big world.

i'm scared wei...

damn scared now....
*cries from my fragile heart*

6 minutes to go.

*die this time*

snow snow snow

Your Japanese Name Is...

Moe Konoe

What's your Japanese Name?

IT'S SNOWING !!!!!

date : 9:08am, 28/11. (a day to remember)
incident: watching the snow falling from the sky like a falling star, melted at the my tip of my fingers.
feeling : damn excited !!!!

la la la la....*being stupidly happy*

forget

is it really that hard to forgive a person?
no, its not that difficult as it might seems to be.
No matter how devastated you felt, how deep the the cut was, how hopeless the situation was.
However,
time do flies, minutes by minutes, hours by hours, days by days....
without even realized,
all the hurt were bleached and faded,
and for the reason you not even know, you will forgive the person.
simply because you treasure the person so much that you ignore your crying soul.

Is it possible to totally forget the whole incident?
*feeling uncertain*
you might forgive the person, but you can never forget the incident itself.
it was imprint in your minds, now and then the unpleasant memory will jump out from the memory box, tempting to test your faith and trust for the person, moreover, sowing the seed of suspiscious in your heart.

i never hated you for treating me like that,
even when the blow was so hard,
i still felt hesitation to condemn you.
because of the incident, i lose my trust in those friends that grown up together with me.
because of the incident, i put my relationship into chaos.
yeah, i'll be seeing you again, soon, fairly soon.
In this case, i will act mutually infront of Heng, with no string attached, no emotional involved.
but i will left the things as it used to be after the meeting.

To forgive is difficult, but understanding the fact that to err is human, its fairly acceptable.
but to forget, its divine.
i'm just a human with a crying soul.

walkabout

went to clubbing a few nights before with some of my churchmates and those who gonna went back to Malaysia soon. Its a club called walkabout, a pretty nice place to hang out, abit too loud, but the live band performance is superb.

Its a 'different' night, different in a way that its neither good nor bad, just different. Having a great time with Lorna, Clarence, ah kim and wang yue, we didnt get drunk or danced till the dance floor cracks, in fact the way we danced was so funny that i laughed until get choked by my own drinks. the atmosphere is just right and we simply enjoyed each other company.

a nice outing.

my friend, always.

people do all sort of funny things that even they themselves dont understand.
we easily get strangle up with our emotion until we see no one in our eyes anymore.
wrap up by our own problem until we are blind even though the solution is open to us so obviously.
we do all sort of mistake, well, everyone do mistakes. whats the big deal of it? but acting like jerk for weeks over an insignificant incident is stupid.

yeah, i'm always that stupid person.
but now, i see the mirror of my stupidity on you.

you get moody and stop talking for stupid reason.
you dont think you need me to accompany you to do stuff anymore.
no more 'suz, lets go to online' or 'suz, want chocolate shake?'
we walk in different direction now,
no intersection, no connection, just like two strangers.

The disspointment, the defeat that you bear in your heart will not stay inside where it first got a start,
the fact is you allow it to grow inside of you, my friend.
you nurture it with angry and unsatisfaction,
What you wear in your heart, you wear in your face.
to be truth, you dont have to be hostile to show that you are dont intend to have me as your friend anymore, cuz it will show on your face anyway.

i cant suppress the upset that keep overflowing inside,
you are my friend, my dearest friend.
i once thought that i had lose it all,
all the trust and commitment in friendship,
but at least in those moment of despair and anguish,
you were there for me.

no matter how we will end up in the end,
i just wanna say, i will treat you as my friend. always.

pleasure of words

lazy to blog nowadays. i guess writting really needs alot of passion and persistency. stone age ago, i enjoyed so much siting in front of pc for hours, bluntly writing all my thoughts out. I guess those days were gone.

This morning, when i red something i wrote long time ago, a sudden wave of emotion overflowed me. how i wish i can go back to those days when writting is a such a joy.

"how I love the morning dew on my face, the midday sun on my skin, and the fragrance of jasmine wafting at twilight. The simple stimulants conveyed by all my physical senses at this moment of every day is a pure bliss....."

How powerful the words are, because if it weren't for the words that i wrote, such ecstasies I would never know.

how i wish i can go back to those days.....


a glimps of me in a cold autumn night

waiting for you

i'm waiting....

i'm waiting....

i'm waiting....

3 hours had passed, silently, cruelly.

3hours and 1 minute,
3hours and 2 minute,
3hours and 3 minute...

i'm still waiting

last night

Last night went to the Averton hill with a bunch of churchmates, this is the first time i look at the stunning view of Liverpool city at night. Its awesome, its breath taking, its beautiful. Too bad that i didnt brought along my digital camera as we made the decision to went there spontaneously without any planning.

kiat siong promise to bring me back to take same pictures after he came back from France. \(^o^)/Yuhuuuuuuuuuu!

i guess there is something interesting to look foward to for the next 1 year in this foreign land.

hang our quite often with some churchmates since i started to serve as the guitarist at the church, especially Lorna, the pianist. She is chatty and cheerful, nice to hang out. its such a coincidense that she is also came from Sibu, Sarawak. The gals from the ulu place, thats what they called us. *sigh*

Clarence is a shy shy guy from the hongkong, a double degree brainy guy, loves the way he sing when he praise the Lord, so uplifting and full of passion. oh, and he know how to play er hu!!!

kiat siong is a very genuine and sincere guy, he reminds me of Heng. man, he had a good driving skill. and not to forget the funny ah kim, the guy with spectacular memory, Max, the china gal Karen, the nice BBC Fai go.....

its nice to be in the house of God.


Lantern fest with the churchmates at williamson square

autumn

its autumn in liverpool now....
the leaves are turning yellow, when the trees shed its skin, it dyes the field into various shade of orange and redish colour....

*taking a big breath*

Burghhh.... its chilling....

i still remember the first maple leaves that henry send me last year along his christmas card, how i hold the leaves and wondering what it feels like if i standing under a big tree, with the withered maple leaves rain on me.

hmmmm.... i'm feeling it now...

summer, AUTUMN, winter, spring.
can't believe i'm in the wheel of four season now.

same side of the moon

I’m looking out the window
Where we sat to watch the stars
There's a chill within the air
It makes my heart long for your touch
You may be miles away
But as I kneel to pray

I see the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space
can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all my tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon.

I picture you across the oceans
In your corner of the world
I pray the wind will blow my voice
And gently whisper in your ear
Your night may be my day
And though the seasons change

It's still the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space
can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all my tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

The lyrics of the song always touch the deepest core of my heart
It reminds me of those days when I went back to Sarawak,
At those lonely nights, consumed by the chill of the air,
Under the street light, with the phone so close to my ears,
I hungrily absorbing your every words…
‘Can’t see the moon tonight, it must be you the one that stole the moon back to Sarawak.’
Those playful words always put a smile on my face.
Cuz I know, although we are separated hundreds mile,
We are still watching the same side of the moon.



My dear,
I’m looking out the window now,
Are we still watching the same side of the moon?
With the land and ocean between us,
With the time and space between us,
Are we still watching the same side of the moon now?

Love and Toleration

幸福，
原来是有声音的。。。
当你埋头苦读，
手机的“滴滴”声带来鼓励的SMS时。。。
当ICQ“噢噢"的响起，
显示你喜欢的他在那一头时。。。
幸福，
悄悄来临。

幸福，
原来是有声音的。。。
不过，
人们总要在清醒的时候，
才听得见。

常常处在自怨自唉中，
昏昏盹盹的过混沌的日子，
幸福。。。
被蒙蔽了。

决定，
每天给自己一段单独的时间，
一段清醒的时间。
有时，
一个人的沉思，
比两个人的欢愉，
更能感受到幸福的真相。

找寻幸福的当儿，
发现，
失望，有时候也是一种幸福，
因为有所期待才会失望。
遗憾，也是一种幸福，
因为还有令你遗憾的事。

找寻幸福，
发现，
爱，从来就是一件千洄百转的事。

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2 CommentsChronological Reverse Threaded

delete reply ahlok2003 wrote on Jan 10, '05 幸福。猫 天真的猫不断追着自己的尾巴 无知的人们日夜都寻找着幸福 当猫放弃后才发现尾巴一直跟 随。 而人们还不识早已被幸福 围绕着 只有以知足，感恩，惜福和 宽阔的心， 不断往前走，幸福也 会 跟 随 你。

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jan 10, '05 ahlok2003 said 幸福。猫 天真的猫不断追着自己的尾巴 无知的人们日夜都寻找着幸福 当猫放弃后才发现尾巴一直跟 随。 而人们还不识早已被幸福 围绕着 只有以知足，感恩，惜福和 宽阔的心， 不断往前走，幸福也 会 跟 随 你。 而我就是那只笨猫。。。

Sigh, no more

Lately, i'm constantly asking myself why on earth i'm doing in this 10 degrees freezing cold land. why did i still feel that living here is such a foreign task? is it possible to suffer from maladaptation even after 3 months of stay?

*sigh*

*sigh*

*sigh*

Yeah, i'm jaded, stupid and wreckless,
but i'm not sorry, and i'll never regret.
these three months i spent, so faded and meaningless,
but i'm not sorry, and i'll never regret for the next 1 year i have to spent in this foreign land.

*sigh no more*

silence

This is one of those rare moments. when earth seems to stop to spin, when birds stop to sing, when leaves stop to green....

*silence*

*silence*

*silence*

all i can hear is silence.
Desperate i am.

acceptance vs understanding

“Real friends start by accepting, not understanding”

I’m lost in thoughts when I first came across this quote from Meiling’s blog. I don’t think that most of my friends understand me, even for those I perceived as brothers and sisters for the past 10 years of my life. Whenever there is an unpleasant argument or disagreement of opinions occurs between me and my friends, the first thought that comes into my mind is: “For once, why they can’t think from my perspective in the first place before they started to judge me?”

Most of the time, I simply give up to explain or trying to make them understand cuz I’m just tired when I have to repeat the same thing over and over again. And sometimes words itself is a limit, it’s really hard for me to interpret every thoughts into suitable and understandable words.

Pathetic, out of the six billion human populations on earth, no one seems to understand me.

But is it really that important to gain other people’s understanding? Is it really necessary that all our action can be rationalized in a way so that other people can understand it?

At times even me myself can’t figure out why I talk, think and act in the most unreasonable way. Well, if that’s the case, what for I’m asking others to understand me when I don’t even understand myself.

It’s human that we try to understand “why and how” with our own conscience. If the person behaviour and the way he/she acts are totally devoid of our understanding, will you still accept him/her? Will you still stand beside of him/her without feeling doubt?

Accept even when we don’t understand, some people might perceived that as naïve or irrational. For me, it’s something called as faith.

I see faith when I saw the tears that you never showed to other people.
I see faith when you let me slept on your thick comfy mattress but you yourself sleeping on the one which is thin and hard.
I see faith when you hold my hands so tight when I was lying on the bed in the hospital.
I see faith when You bless me with those people who have faith in me.

always in my memory

It’s hard to believe that now I’m back to my home again. Everything seems so familiar, the trees, the road, the people, the bloody HOT weather... nothing changes.

I’m still amazed by the fact that how fast yet how slow the three months passed. When I’m still in Liverpool, the earth spin in such a slow pace; but when I’m back in KL again, its felt like I had never leave here before...

3 months of loneliness, 3 months of wonders, 3 months of experience... *memories rush through my mind in euphoric colors* .Those sweet and sour memories... *sob*. I’m glad that I did survive through those tough moments, never expect that my emotional state has that kind of capacity to withstand those extremely fluctuating emotion. now I’m more stretchable and adaptable I guess. In future, nothing can agitate and moved me that much anymore cuz I have went through the worst. Somehow I’m just glad that I had reached the first milestone. Another one year to go.

This is the last picture in my mind before I left. 25C, always in my memory.

Wake me up when September ends

Why do you fill my sorrow with the words you've borrowed?

I feel my soul had emptied completely,
the emotion turmoil drained me of all strength,
numb and stone cold, sensation no more,
but the ironic thing is I still can feel the throbbing pain inside.
lying on the bed starring at the ceiling,
I’m waiting for the pain to subside,
But in the silence, my tears dropped.

I cried,

I cried,

And I cried...

Until my tears dried,
until I felt that I can cry no more.
I bent down my knees,
Silently, words by words,
I voiced it out.

Heavenly father,
why did they fill my sorrow with the words they’ve borrowed?
what did I’ve done to deserve such a disgrace?
i have nothing to give, how can they ask for more?

I’m the worthless clay in The potter’s hand.
mercy me.

........

I slept, and I rested in The father’s arm.

MArs

Planet Mars will be the brightest in the night sky starting August.

It will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. This will cultimate on Aug. 27 when Mars comes within 34.65M miles of earth. Be sure to watch the sky on Aug. 27 12:30 am. It will look like the earth has 2 moons. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287. Dont lose this chance as NO ONE ALIVE TODAY will ever see it again.

27th, the day i land my feet on the solid ground of Malaysia again. Mars is welcoming me back home.

how sweet is that.

till i see you again

every night i fall asleep with the image of our reunion in my mind.

my eyes glistering with tears,
your arms open wide;
i see the colours that no one can see,
radiating from the hands that holding tight;
your breath sounds like a symphony,
i close my eyes to listen and savour;
my heart is beating euphorically,
anticipation, exaggeration;
finally, the string of my hearts come undone.
come undone.

9 days,
216 hours,
12960 minutes,
777600 seconds,
till i see you again.

Bloody exam

B-L-O-0-D-Y exam!

I really hate the fact that sometimes a person's self esteem is depends entirely on how well he/she done in the exam. If you did badly in exam, you are no one. well, sometime its not about how other people look at you, but its how u judge yourself uncounsciously based on the marks that gained in the exam. its funny yet true that how easily our emotional state can be manipulated by those numbers.

this is sucks! now i'm not only feel sorry for doing bad in exam but also feel pathetic cuz i'm easily agitated and disturbed by the system.

Maybe its not entirely about the exam, to be precise its the fact that the marking system which utilizes 'numbers' that makes it the most solid way to value a person is pathetic. If the person is successful in life, well, how did people measure and define 'success'? normal one will certainly goes for how MANY car he has? how MANY figures he earns a month? how MANY condo he has? ok, maybe you will think its the quality of life that's matters not the quantity. then, how MANY friends he has? how MANY good things he had done to the community? how MANY hours he spent with his family a week?

its ironic that the quality itself can be measured by quantity.

Cant really deny the fact that 'numbers' is the best way to measure the value of something, in fact it can be the most efficient and precise way. We can even apply the statistical analysis to count out what are the standard deviation and error in order to justify the appropriateness of our measurement.

imagine one day if people speak like this.
Abu: So Ali hows your day today?
Ali: i have spent 4:15(std dev.0.02) hours feeling happy, while 19:45 (std dev.0.43)hours feeling sad. According to ANOVA test(T=0.02,p=0.005,df=10), there is a significance difference(P>0.05) of 63.75% between feeling happy and feeling not happy, therefore, my conclusion is i am not happy today.

it seems like the world is stuck with figures.

anyway, i know the topic deviates again. and yes, i still hate exam and i'm 100% sure of it. No need to apply ANOVA test to prove that.

Ps: dont ask me how did i know how to do statistical analysis, i do the calculation everyday, B-L-O-O-D-Y scientific reports.

you had a bad day

you have been dear to me, you had been always there for me when i needed someone, i remember back on those days when i'm down and not myself, you making a fool of yourself just to cheer me up.

you have been bold and sincere to me, you share your inner feelings with me. one thing you have done that moved me the most is you always have the faith in me, "things will be alright, i know you." thats what u always say.

now, you are having a bad day, you felt like crying but no one seems to care. me, the lousy me unable to do anything but helplessly watching you falling down.

just wanna tell you,i know how u feel. i dunno whether this will makes you felt better or not, but emotionally, you know you are not alone.

i wish you well, CP and Lyon, my dear friends.

"Bad day" Daniel Powter
Where is the moment when needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

'Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work on a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

Sometimes the system goes on the brink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well all that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work on a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

blogging

well, sometime i'm just wondering...

is blogging do more good than harm?

i remember those days when i'm still blogging in multiply, which is the most no-privacy-at-all blogsite that i've ever known. i am brutally and honestly say out all my thoughts and mind without any refinement. i talk about my passion for music, my constant depression, my purpose in life, anything that come across my mind. and yes, i did felt satisfied when i was able to express myself in a way that i am more comfortable and organized since i'm not very good at speaking. in fact it serve as a way for me to vent my frustration and tension as well.

But the problems come in when people started to see me in different ways after they read my blogs. Some may kind enough to agree with what i am thinking. But some just feel that i'm faking up myself cuz sometime they cant relate the me in the words and the me in the reality.

and this leads to one thing that i hate the most. judging me.

am i really contradicting myself with my words and my action? dont worry, i am sure that i dont have distorted personality although i do think that sometime i am quite paradoxing. But who cares, i may sound different in this blog from the person that you have known for years. well, maybe you just dunno me well enough.

Is blogging really a free channel where people can say anything out without having to think or responsible for the consequences? Do we really have the freedom to say and write everything we want in blogs? well, thats comes to the defination of freedom. what freedom means to you? to do anything you want to do?

for me, freedom is not doing something that i dont want to do.

i wouldnt want to cause any nuisence or making others having unpleasant feelings or feel offended after reading my words. cuz it will be a violation of my freedom.

Therefore i shall only keep all the secrets and the dark side of mine in my lost world, atlantis. and only share it with a few people that i trusted wholeheartly and confidence that they will never felt disturbed with whatever craps that i wrote.

yeah, i'm referring to you.

words are the voice of the heart~Confuscious

Ps: did a stupid test.

I am 29% Asshole/Bitch.

I may think I am an asshole or a bitch, but the truth is I am a good person at heart. Yeah sure, I can have a mean streak in me, but most of the people I meet like me.

Take the
Asshole/Bitch Test
@ FualiDotCom

glimps of truth

You will never be happy if you continue to search what happiness is consist of.

You will never live if you keep on looking for meaning of life without living it.

worn out

i wish i had greater control towards my emotional fluctuation. lost my self control again today due to some misundertsanding with my friends regarding the ticketing problem. looks like now i have to travel back from Malaysia to London alone next month. But they didnt really noticed that i'm actually felt disturbed and upset over the whole incident, which is good. there is no point letting the whole universe gloomy and mourn with me when my milky way had gone rancid at one point.

my tears really doesnt mean anything nowadays. its so hard to suppress the secretion of the tears from the tears duct when my emotion is overflowing. i used to restrain myself from crying cuz i used to think that crying is an act of cowardism which doesn't help to solve the problem at all except making myself feel more pathetic. i dunno since when my tears had become a frequent company of mine. when i'm lonely, i cried; when i miss someone, i cried; when i felt touched and moved by simple things like a song or some words, i cried; when i listen to the voice of my love one that sounded so distant away, i cried.

sometime i even cried for no reason. i wonder why. i guess it really doesnt mean a thing anymore.

i know my emotional state is floating easily with the wave, i cant even feel the firm base under my feet that can hold me and make me stand still. i dont even know will i able to withstand the next wave without falling down. every little incident which occured out of my expectation can disturbed my emotion so easily. i have no control over how i feel and how it influence my rationality.

i recognize the depression hit very well now. and everytime after combating the emotion turmoil, i felt so worn out. yeah, i'm sober now, thats why i'm able to reason out the whole thing well and determine to solve the whole problem rasionally. Its ironic that how easily my consciousness can be distorted and manipulated by my own emotion and recollect the pieces back again.

i guess i'm just human.

i'm coming back home

19 days to go.

just a thought

astonishing picture. mind stimulating words.


The picture reminds me of a line that Joe once wrote.
"Do you believe there is a lmit to how fast man can run?"

To be truth, i do belive that there is a limit to everything. (well, there is one thing which last for eternity~God's love.) so is this confined and shallow thoughts is the restraining force that prevent me from going far? from being the best i can be? (well, of course, if everything is limitless, then i can never be the best, as there will be no defining end for what the best will be.)

our attitude detemines our altitude

i guess it is true, our mind and will determine the output and the fruit we bore. but i think i dont have that determination or capacity to have great success in my life, i dont crave for fancy life nor a name that will be remembered forever. i only have a tiny and simple purpose and passion for life, to love and to be loved. and you tell me that's noble of me.

But to love someone, it takes my whole life to do that; and to be loved by someone, i will have everything in this whole world.

i am nobody, not micheal jordon, nor micheal johnson. i am only a girl who dreams for everything in this world, that is to be only loved by someone.

something missing

"I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
Something's different
And i don't know what it is" John Mayer

listen to a friend muttering about a love that went wrong at the early dawn of a friday morning. seeing his tears run down his face as he fumble for something to wipe it off. i wonder does the hurt that cut deep in his heart will ever be wiped off as well.

a man's tears, i never expect that from him, a friend that always jokes around and cheer me up whenever i felt down. But today i saw him pathetically sitting on the floor, using drunkenness as an excuse to mask his broken heart.

It amazed me that how hunger each and everyone of us crave for love. whether we actually realised or not, there is a longing deep in the core of our heart that craved to be loved, to be recognized and to be appreciated by someone. It's an innate desire. something that u need to comprehend in order to fill in the incompleteness in your life.

now i have you, i felt like going back home. the pieces of me that once were seperated from my body and soul on the last day of genesis had finally came home. my soul searching for its counterpart intuitively as my rationality and physicality went through everydays life unawarely. and now she had finally grasp it and will never let it go again.

She once know that something missing and she dunno what is it and how to fix it. But now, she just happily being homed.

turbulence

its nearly dawn.
my mind is in turbulent state.
i wonder where all my insecurity come from.
i dont mean to be melodramatic, but the thoughts of my love one will leave me someday made my chest aches considerably. and the next thing i know, my cheeks wets.

"I have the sense to recognise, that I don't know how to let you go." Sarah McLachlan.

i am no saint.
i dont have the unconditional love that can tolerates love without able to tell you "i love you".

am i sound paranoid? it doesnt matter.

what matters is i love you and i will never let you go.

blogging about marriege

Summer is the wedding season, everyone is getting married. Dorcas, Bull's bro, anthon's bro... i think its something to do with the biological rhythm, the cyclical nature of biological phenomena, whereby mating and breeding season is entrained to the zeitgaber. maybe there is a linkage between the pheromone secretion and season changes, i wonder.

Never cross my mind the possiblities of me getting married in early twenties like my best friend Dorcas did. marry a man and having my own family is something that will only happened in light years away. well, that was what i assumed. But lately, to my surprise, the thought of marriege keep popping up my mind whenever i start to day dreaming during Prof Alan's lecture. what the heck! this is definately mind poisoning. but mind you, thinking not necessary means craving. i'm just curious of what it is like being waking up beside my love one, cooking dinner for him and kissing him goodbye before he leaves for work.

if i can have a glimsp of my future life as wifey, i just wanna know will i be happily ever after? Its good when you have something that worth to wait for.

damn, my mind drifted so far again. this is dangerous. have to stop wrting about this. Before me sign off, just wanna congrates John and Jenny who tie the knot today. God bless you two with ever lasting love.

insignificant entry

i seldom read the foward email actually, for me its just some junks that eat your storage, most of the time i just delete it without bother to have a look.... BUt today, i did discover something meaningful from those foward email, small surprise did come in the most unexpected time. Its a simple yet thoughtful comics about a typical girl's life. which remind me of myself.

what a simple life all of us lived, sometime its 'not-adventurous' and so typical that u might think its meaningless to carry on living such a monotonous life. But yet what i came to realized is, there are so much life lessons we can learn from all these simple and routine stuff that we went through everyday.



Me tend to appreciate more the life in UK now. partly because i knew all these sucky feelings that i had now in this foreign land will never serve any harm to me, unless i let the feelings control and conquer my rationality. Everyone feels sucks now and then, its nothing abnormal with that, sometime i just subconsciously manipulate and enlarge the negative feelings under microscopic lense and let it prevails me.

Why mourning for myself for having bad days in UK when i'm not even really 'live' it. in fact the days i had in UK will be very memorable if did try to live the best of it. Ironically i can picture myself one day in twenty years later, when i look back all these, i might just shrug, laugh at myself and say: 'all these sucky things i faced twenty years ago when i was in UK were really petty and insignificant, so simple like swapping a fly!'

When a kettle boils, steam whistles through the spout.
When we reach the threshold of what we can cope with we complain.
This means we need to increase our capacity in that area.
Complaining is the language of victims.
We complain when we feel we have no control over negative circumstances.

True survivals don't complain,
they give thanks and see the upside.
To the positive mindset solutions appear.
The negative complaining mind fails to see any way through.

'In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.'1 Thess 5:18- 19


focus on what i have, and go. simple as that.



p/s: To kokkers, Gambate o! enjoy and do your best in the DOTA competition!

I dont have a reason to love you

Lady: Why do you love me?
Man : I can't tell the reason, but I really love you.
Lady: You can't even tell me the reason.how can you say you love me?
Man : I really don't know the reason, but I really love you.
Lady: No! I want you to tell me the reason.
Man : Ok...ok!!! Because you are beautiful, because your voice is sweet, because you are caring, because you are loving, because you are thoughtful, because of your smile, because of your every movements...

One day, the Lady met with a serious accident resulting in permanent injuries. The Guy then placed a letter by her side, the letter says:

Dearest,
Because of your sweet voice that I love you...Now can you talk? No! Therefore I cannot love you. Because of your care and concern that I like you... Now that you cannot show them, therefore I cannot love you. Because of your smile, because of your every movements that I love you... Now can you smile? Now can you move? No, therefore I cannot love you... If love needs a reason, like now, there is no reason for me to love you anymore. Does love need a reason? Never! Therefore, I still love you... and will love u forever!

"True religion is the life we lead, not the creed we profess.~Louis Nizer"

Sometimes its really hard to confine the special feelings i have for someone or something into a defined reason. If you ask me why did i wear black all the time? why did i favor chocolate more than vanilla? why did i fall easily for guys who know how to play guitar? why did i like to stay alone rather than in the crowd? To be honest, i really dont know. The sense and the perception of certain things makes me happy, and when i'm happy, i think i will just like it.

Why is it love have to be restricted in a confined reason? if one day the reason no longer existed, does it means the love will also dies as well? if that is true, then i dont want to love for a reason.

Why did you love me? u asked.

i love you for no reason.

silence means consence?

Infuenza attacked.

Have running nose for more than a week now, i think my immune system went low nowadays. blame it to the weatherman. The torturest thing is not the sticky fluid that keep running down my nose, nor the feeling of the rough tissue brushes over my smooth and sensitive nostrils over and over again. its the fact that i really cant stand my own voice, sound like a frog's croaks. Furthermore, cough will surely tailing behind my every sentence, which really makes me dont feel like wanna talk that much nowadays.

i never realized that talking can become such a foreign task.

Actually, something awful happened last sunday. When i was enjoying singing the hymns in the church. suddenly, to my horror i realized that i'm actually singing out of tune, its one octave lower than the right key for the melody and my voice crakes whenever it hits the high notes. i think i'm innately gifted with a very sensitive and fussy ear. my friend who sit beside me didnt even notice about it but i'm 100% sure that i am singing out of tune.

This is my worst nightmare, i have lost my sense of music, i can't even sing properly for 1 week now. If Bebo Norman knew i sang his "dissapear" with such a croacky and cracky voice, i think he will definately regreted that he actually composed the song in the first place. Feels like spoiling and dis-appreciating such a great piece of music.

Unable to sing or listen to music is one of the thing that i cannot tolerate with nor sacrifice in my life. imagine living in a world without music, the world will become monochromic and dull without colors. Yet, by theory it seems to be possible, cuz then human may have to speak toneless, church bells wont be ringing, birds wont be singing, crowds wont be cheering, trees wont be flapping and swiftly swaying as the wind blows.

Well, maybe u wont agree that all these sounds can be define as music which has different tone color and pitch. But for me, a music is defined as any sound that has rhythm, which called melody and when words are added meanings to the melody, it become songs.

i miss my own voice.

Life goes on

Went to bank-in the deposit to the landlord today. which mean i had decided and i will stay in Liverpool to continue my master studies for another 1 year. I have to say its really not easy for me to reach until this stage, went through alot of doubts and struggle. in fact i nearly give up halfway.

Firstly, as in certain period of time i'm really not sure whether my emotional and physical state allow me to withstand another year of life in UK or not. Being nearly 2 months in UK makes me realize that i had became more easily depressed nowadays. in fact just a few days before, my friend scolded me for spending all my time in the room when i supposed to enjoy the UK's summer breeze outside. well, really had to thank him, he had reminded me to enjoy my life in UK instead of shutting myself and mourning and griefing all the time in the closet. But cant deny the fact that i'm easily getting flu and feeling dizzy nowadays.

well, another reason is i started to wonder what "dream" really spell for me. Why did i crave so much for study aboard in the first place? cuz now i really dont think study aboard in a western country is really that superb or enjoyable anymore. although i still appreciate the beautiful scenery and the relaxing and easy going life style here in Uk, but sometime i just think that being here in the foreign land didnt really makes me feel satisfied nor trully happy. When i am far away from home, it makes me realized that being together with the people that i care and love means much more to me than having a UK certified master cert. If i have to be so far away from them in order to achieve my dreams, maybe its really not worth it.

Well, i'm walking on this path now, i guess its too late for me to feel regret. i cant let my parents down. They have such a high hopes for me and wanted so much to see me excel in my studies. So i might as well try to live my life here in UK to fullest and enjoy the UK's unpredictable weather and sucky coldness as much as possible.

anyway, i'm personally think that i'll be more happy if i just come here for the travelling purpose and not for study, less pressured i guess. Pretty much enjoyed my last week visit at Chester. anyway, enough crapping. lights off now.

please, not now

Felt really tired today, physically and emotionally. when i told C.fei all i wanna do is to hug and cry with her, its not solely becuse she needs my comfort, its because i need someone to hug me as well.

i miss hugging by my close friends and family.

There are so many emotions tangles and scrambles in my heart, waiting to be solved, waiting to be settled. but i'm just too tired to do so. And most of the time i just suppress the feeling and pretend nothing really happened.

But after i came to UK, suddenly all the problems seems to surpass the caution line and emerge to the surface. what i am doing now is trying to ignore the beeping warning light and silently pray that it will never overflows from the emotional jar.

"just hope that you are fine. I don know wat i should do next. Is that mean the friendship is over?"

i know i should try to sort it out with him face to face although he hurt me so much. i know deep down in my heart i still care for him as a friend of more than ten years although he had violated my faith in friendship.

"以前有个人告诉我，"无论环境如何改变，请你不要放弃"， 但是先放弃的人，最终还是那个人，我不怪那个人，因为环境、时间、心情都会轻易的更新变化。。。"

"以为离开了伤心，这一生不会再有难过，但谁会知道心中深处的伤痕？"

i know Uking's words still has the effect on me, i know i am forever guilty for not trying hard enough nor giving him chance to mend the broken relationship, i know i'm the one to blame for being so cruel to him, i know my head will definitely ache again when i heard that he did noticed that i removed him from my multiply contact list. i know i should at least trying to contact him back as we are stepping on the same solid ground now.

i know i must determine to solve it all or else it will bugging me forever. i know i have to deal with it sooner or later.

i really do know.

But please, not now.

i'm just too tired to make any changes, to take any initials, to make any moves. i'm still trying to recollect the pieces of me, i'm still trying to gather my courage and faith. can i just let it be for the moment?

please, not now.

Love is worth a try

Dear C.Fei...

My heart ache so much when i see your message saying you wanna hug and cry with me. i still remember at those nights when i really dunno how to use my words to console you anymore, all i can do is be by your side and hug you so tight so that you wont feel alone. But now, with the thousand miles between us, i can't even give that simple warmness to you.

i felt helpless cuz i can't be there for you when you need me. i know you had lose faith in love and had decided to give up to love someone wholeheartly. i can't do anything to make you believe in love again, but my dear friend, all i'm asking you is to raise your eyes and look at the sky.

did you still find solace in the sky?

If the answer is yes, then you know somewhere behind the clouds our heavenly father loves you still and He would want you to love and to be loved.

I said it before and i will say it again. my dear friend, love is worth a try. you may fall down very hard, you may be torned apart, you may feel self-doubt and insecure because of love. but in the end when you find true love, all those hurts and pain that you went through before will all be worthwhile. five years six years from now, when you walking down the aisle, showered and blessed with love, you will know love is worth a try.

Everyone has their past, you just have to love for the present him, you are SOMEONE, please dont think yourself as a replacement. Those past will forever remained as memory in his heart, but you can always make more memories together with him. If you think he is not the one, then maybe its time to let go, but please dont give up to love the next him. Love will strike you at the most unpredictable way.

Love is worth a try

love,
Ming.

a self revealing test

Read a post in mei ling's blog just now, a so-called self revealing test that helps people to understand more about their current state of inner needs and emotional state. the only requirement is to be completely honest and spontaneous about what you are writting. Well, just wanna see whether this can really help to unveal myself or not.

Here it goes.

i am not: going to stay in UK forever
i am hurt: when the friendship that i thought once was so special turn out to be nothing in the end.
i love: to sing in the house of God.
i hate: when i saw my love one through web camera but can't touch him.
i fear: being alone for the rest of my life
i hope: to gain my acedemic success soon and make my parents proud.
i crave: for my friends and family acceptance.
i regret: when i didnt do what i'm supposed to do because i dont have the courage to do.
i cry: only when i can hold my tears no more.
i care: if my words unintentionally offends or hurt others feeling cuz i was once hurt by others words.
i always: try to be the better me although i knew its damn hard to meet everyone expectation.
i long: for a hug at the end of the day.
i feel alone: when i surrounded by hundreds of people but they are all some blurr images that i feel not connected at all.
i listen: to "cold water" when i'm on the verge of breaking down.
i hide: my irritation and sadness by being quiet and stoned.
i sing: "disappear" by bebo norman when i feel the need to let go.
i dance: when I'm on the stage leading praise and worship because those are the moments i feel so close to God.
i write: blogs to express my most private and bluntest thoughts.
i breathe: air that still remains foreign and uncertain to me.
i play: the guitar only once in the church since i came to UK and i was overjoyed.
i miss: my family and friends in the church when i felt so cold and alone in this foreign land.
i search: for other positive ways to vent my frustration other than being quiet and cold.
i learn: how to cope with feeling of being so screw up.
i feel: i didnt fit in UK at all though i have been here for nearly 2 months.
i know: God has His purpose on me. although i dunno what is that at the moment but i just had to keep walking down this road of life.
i say: i dont care but i really care inside.
i succeed: acedemically in TARC, which once i thought was the goal of my life. But now, i knew i have more meaningful things to do instead of that.
i fail: in relatonship once and i will certainly not repeating the same mistake again.

why

who am i?

who am i to you?

what will happen tomorrow?

why did i come to UK in the first place?

will i still recognize you when i see you in heaven?

why the earth is spinning 365-24-7 everyday every moment without ceases? (dont tell me its to prevent from sucking into the sun by its gravity attraction. then what about the whole milky way? the universe?)

why the hell i'm still studying when my brain already paralyzed. (yeah, i know the answer for this, cuz tomorrow got freaking exam.)

why am i asking stupid questions?

some question are not meant to be answered, some question are meant to be searched for answers.

i wonder why.

I am a girl

PC breakdown

frustrated.... exhausted.... helpless... devastated.

i didnt expect that the emotional turmoil will be that great last night, feels like almost unbearable. ironically at the same time, i felt pathetic for myself for being so easily emotionally disturbed and turbulenced, especially by a lifeless stupid electronic gadget. I thought i was independent and strong minded all this time. In the history of my whole life, i rarely allow myself to act like a 'weak one'. and i always think that a person's mind and will determine his/her altitude.

"Some people tend to forgot about others when they are to busy dealing and complaining about themselves. They tend to complain and nag or express anger, dissappointment and other sort of insignificant emotions that they forgot that the people who they vent their things to is also a human being. They are so immensely concentrating on being a drama queen and indulging in themselves they tend to think that the world revolves around them. "Oooh I am so sad, Ooh I am so dissappointed, Why dont you understand and yatta yatta yatta.........." Its not my fault that shit happens, its your fault, its the worlds fault its that taxi drivers fault and exhuming the same old sappy teart story from the past again and again and again."~Sinatraz

yeah, i was trying hard not to be THAT kind of person, in fact sometime i think those kind of people are really pathetic. Relying on other's comforts to assure their self-worthness, do nothing but pitying themself. and though i'm not those extremes that fight for WOMEN POWER or equality, but i always hate those prejudice who strereotypically labelled women as the "weak one". Through years, i had learnt not to express my emotion too much infront of others, not asking for help easily, even trying to be alone and enjoying my solitude.

But without realizing, i was tagged by "cold-blooded" by some of my friends.

The incident last night taught me something about myself that i had tried to ignore all these time. At the moment my tears fell down my face the minute i hear my love one's voice, i had came to realize one thing. I was trying to be strong, but i can't be strong all the time, i'm only a girl, a girl that crave for acceptance, a girl that need the tenderness and care, a girl that wish to stay in her father's protective arms forever, a girl that secretly hope for someone that she can depend on, someone that can be her santuary and refuge.

i know this really doesnt sound like me, but can i just be a little girl for a while?

A tribute

Finally finish with all the reports, takes me three days to get it all done before i went to exam hall next week to test my luck. Can barely breath nowadays, the workload is unbearable, the weather is unpredictable, the depression is snowballing, the missing is so great, everything feels not right, tragedy happened at the most unexpected time. Yesterday the brits still cheering and celebrating for London had received the honor of hosting the Olympics 2012, today the whole London was in grief and despair.

Who knows how would one handle the situation if it happens again? Would it really be different?

Reading Lyon's words always makes me think a lot, what if i was in London today, what if i was one of the victim of the dreadful incident? Life is so fragile that i might just leave this earth called as home any moment, any time, any place without leaving a trace. The ironic thing is earth would still spining, the sun still rise and set in the same pace, life still carry on. Does it really make a difference if i'm not a part of the cycle of life anymore?

Supposed that now i know life is precious, i should appreciate it and stay away from anything that might be harmful. But what if all these incident are unavoidable, something called fate. Would it makes a difference even if i have the first hand experience? In reality, sometimes learning from experience isn't really practical. There are some lesson that u can never understand, things like life and dead, love and hate, right and wrong.

May all the lost souls rest in peace tonight.

paradox

current mood: turbulent and confused
song currently playing: DJ Tiesto "Close to you"

My friend always tell me that i am a paradox and a confused person,"giftpid", that was what they call me, cuz according to them, i am a gifted and a stupid person at the same time.

Well, i have no words to defend myself, cuz i am a PARADOX. Some said that i'm good in leadership, but some say that they choose me to become a leader because its easier for them to tolerate my way instead for me to tolerate their way; Some say that i am confident, but at times i feel like wanna hide in the closet cuz' i have no faith and guts to face the cruel world outside; Some say that i am affable and easy to socialize with, but some people think that i am an introvert that always keep all the thoughts to my own.

i think i'm charged with guilty and should be subjected to penalty of life long prison. i know that i am good at remembering facts and doing exam, but i am sucks in anything to do with figures like remember phone numbers; i am sensitive with what others had done wrong, but i often blindfolded by my own wrongs and takes others for granted; i always console others and tell them dont think too much,just stay happy, but actually i find it's extremely difficult to stay happy all the time and i frequently struggling and torturing myself with nonsense thinking that does no use except kills my brain cells.

Lately, i just discovered another bad bad character of mine.(when i say bad, i do mean its BAD) i always felt empty and lonely when i supposed to feel happy and satisfied. Everytime when i seems to very much enjoy the happy moments, like hanging out with friends, celebrating my birthday etc, then out from no where, the question "is this happiness real?" will certainly popped up in my head and instantly the next thought that comes into my mind will be, "this is way too much, i dont deserve this."

CP noticed that i always suddenly going silence or hold back myself at unexpected moments. My ex told me that i'm phobic to commitment. i always try to define what are the restraining force that prevent me from enjoying those happy moments and events to fullness, I know its just something called as character whereby people deal things in their own way, but where did this attitude came from? i'm an insecure person that live in a secure surrounding, what a paradox. i have a loving family, a caring bf and lots of friends, i got the opportunity of studying at overseas and might as well have a bright future ahead, but why did i still feel that there is something wrong when everything is right?

"i was incredibly moved,
maybe a little frightened by the depth of the emotion...."
~Todd Herzog, Walking across Walden

I see the glimpse of the answer when i first read through the line. at times, i'm just frightened by the depth of the emotion that i felt. its pretty amazing that there seems to be no limit to how much human can feel, how happy a person can be? extremely happy? exhilaratingly happy? so damn happy? well, its funny to confine the happiness into words, cuz its simply undescribable. I think i have limited emotion state, which cannot sustain too much happiness i guess. when the feeling went overboard, my heart will subconsciously shut the door and make me feel no more.

i wish i can be more happy, but my heart tell me not to do so, paradox.

Todd Herzog

Tonight, i shed a tear as i read through a book Walking across Walden (download here) written by Todd Herzog while listening to his song If i only had the words.

Music, touches the core of my soul where no one can reach.



a study in alchemy… that's what Todd Herzog does.
(al•che•my: the power to transform something base into something precious.)

Todd Herzog is an artist who takes the raw material of his life experiences and creates inspirational, emotional pop music that affects his listeners.Herzog’s own wake-up call came when a dear friend passed away from Leukemia. Instead of losing faith in life, he chose to take this tragic loss and use it to motivate and inspire others to take full advantage of the time they are given. His healing process took the form of his debut album entitled “What I Wouldn’t Give.”

"If I Only Had The Words"

I feel you all around me
I know you must be here
Your beauty still surrounds me
Your voice is in my ears

I see you in the ocean
You're dancing on the shore
The sunset on the water
Makes your spirit soar

And your laughter lifts me up along the way
There're so many things I still have left to say

If I'd only had the words to tell you half the things I feel
you'd have understood so clearly
that my love for you was real
and I wish i'd had the courage to open up my heart
you'd have known that we could never be apart

The colors of your palette
Your canvas filled with greens
The strokes of your emotions
I see you in my dreams

Now the rose has finally opened
The petals filled with light
Now the vase is no longer broken
The thorns are out of sight

And your laughter lifts me up above my tears
I can hear you whisper softly in my ear:

If I only had the words to tell you half the things I feel...
you might understand the difference
Between illusion and what's real
then you'd finally have the courage to open up your heart
'cause you'd know that we could never be apart

now at last I have the words
to tell you all the things I feel
I still don't understand the reasons
and perhaps I never will
but I finally found the courage to open up my heart
because I know that we will never be apart
now I know that we will never be apart

A day called birthday

current mood: mixed feeling
current song playing: Martina Mcbride "concrete angel"

Part 1:
As the clock finally tickling from 11:59:59pm to 12:00:00am, I heard the shattering of your heart into pieces, sorry for unable to share the sadness that you felt, Lyon. How I hope my sincere birthday wish will ease a tiny little bit of the disappointment that you had, how I hope your one and only wish will came true at the last minute of this meaningful day. But like what you always said, both of us know it won’t happen.

It was indeed a great coincidence that our birthday is just differing by one day. And it was indeed an ironic to see myself in your shoes even before my birthday reached. The impatient and endless waiting, the jolt and the increase of heart rate each and everytime the phone rings, the fear that our love one might really forget about us… All of these feelings are tugging the inner core of our heart. There’s no point of saying “I don’t care!”, cuz that will be apparent as counterfeit coin. We really didn’t ask that much, aren’t we? The only birthday present that we hope to receive is our love ones will remember our birthday, cuz that somehow prove that we are still SOMEone in their heart. With the distance between United State and United Kingdom between us, I felt no boundaries towards what you feel.

Lyon, happy birthday!

Part 2:
It’s a pure joy to receive the birthday wishes from my family and friends back in Malaysia, even from those that I thought they will never know what spell 25th of June for me. The only thing in my mind is “gosh, I’m so blessed.” I find myself laughing to my own like a dumb while listening to anthon’s birthday song. That was the cockest birthday song that I ever heard in my whole life, thanks u so much buddy.

A song for Susan
Susan, you're such a beautiful girl
your're my friend and part of the band,
you make me become a better man

i met you at the ohana nite
we clicked like tmnet, i played the chords
so you wouldnt be sad
impressed me with your beauty of humbleness from above
that you didnt need the postino that joe loves

now that you're gone to UK
I really hope that you are OK
you should just fong your masters degree in chemistry
and we can go sailing even though i dono how to sail in the tiomans sea

i hope your love life dont stink as much as mine
if sombody could offer their heart to me
it would be so kind
best of luck and wishes to all the things you that you do
happy birthday ong su ming,
this song is for you

22nd birthday is indeed not an ordinary birthday for me, this is the first time I have a lonely birthday in UK, this is the first birthday i felt that I really had grown up, this is the first birthday I didn’t celebrate with all my love ones. But what makes it meaningful is that I know far away at the other side of the earth, there is still someone that miss me and wanted badly to be by my side on this meaningful day. Thank you for the birthday song bull, it meants a lot to me. This is the first time in my 22 years of my life that I felt so much in love and so loved by someone. You are the greatest gift that I have ever received in any of my birthdays.

Part 3:
It’s really hard to believe that I actually had live an incredible 22 years on the earth. This morning, nearly 2 am, while I was lying on my bed, Memories rush through my head like a tidal wave of euphoric colors, its like a brief look-back at some of the milestones along the 22 years of my life.

my childhood~
I remember growing up like most of the people,
Stayin’ at a beautiful countryside called Kota Samarahan,
With a lot of playmates and bushes to explore,
Running barefoot with the innocent laughters echoed over the hills and rocks.

I remember this great swing under a massive giant tree,
An old one with ropes as thick as my wrists,
Where we take turns to swing each other as hard as we could,
Yelling and shouting each time the pendulum of swing carried us high up to the sky.

My school days~
I remember those sleepless night lying in bed with all sort of visions in my head,
and in the blackness of my room I let my imagination run wild,
Sometimes falling asleep replaying the day in my head,
Hoping that charming prince will awake me from dream with a sweet kiss on my lips.

I remember going home after a tiring day in school,
no one awaits except cold lunch served on the table,
flipping through channels letting out sighs.
I’m just waiting for the years to pass.

My college days~
I remember sitting with my ex on the bench,
Savor the breeze of the night as we making silly future plans,
The devastation I felt when i wave him goodbye,
And the heart breaking moment when we called it an end.

I remember having this beautiful Ohana prom night,
Seeing others shine in their saucy night gown and seducing make up,
under the sparkling lights my heart sang out I believe I can fly,
Awaiting for some breath taking moment so that I can cherish forever in my heart.

I remember the first time I met you after the Ohana night,
Together me, you and anthon jokes about my lab partner Mr Toady,
Never cross my mind that later you will become someone that meant so much to me,
Maybe it is destiny and I thank God for leading you to me.

Well, all of these precious moments had become past tense now, something called memories, which were meant to fade away with time. But its incredible that i can recall everything so vividly tonight.

Happy birthday to me.

Fruiting effort

current mood: happy, very happy and damn happy.
current song playing: Counting crows "accidently in love"

From: Sneddon, Jennifer
Sent: Fri 24/06/2005 11:27
To: Ong, Su
Subject:Seminar marks
Attachments:
MISS SU ONG
Is the lung an athletic organ? 87%
Entertaining and informative - covered a wide range of relevant literature in depth. A bit on the long side but we forgave you! Only tick not in very good column was on time keeping.

After 3 sleepless night, critical brain damage, bugging by frequent migrane and loss of appetite due to excessive reading of journals, finally my labour has bore fruits, Wahahahaha.... 22% contribute to the finals.

Well, UK sucks, but at least the lecturers are very generous with marks.

Days in UK

Current mood: tired, gloomy, retarded nerve response, feeling kind of blue.
current song playing: Anthon's "Sad song"

The feeling of blogging at 1am after a tiring, exhausting 9 hours of lectures in Uni is undescribable. A bit numb, apathetic, it's like my brain had turn to the sleeping mode already but my fingers are still typing subconsciously by itself.

its quite amazing when i realize that it has been nearly three weeks i'm in Liverpool now. Gosh, its seems like ages. After the excitement of exploration, the thrill of being in a new place ceases, now all i feel is "i miss home". Its nothing to do with the cold weather, foreign place or the depression of being unable to adapt to the new environment or the different learning style. In fact living in Liverpool can be quite leisuring and enjoying, no 37 degress hot humid weather, no traffic jam, the scenery in Liverpool here is breathtakingly awesome compare to Malaysia, here got beautiful docks, a lot of victorian style building, nice pub and the never sleeping saturday night fever. The whole city itself is a display of art and culture.

Well, for all the goodness that can be simply reached by just walking out through the door, why did i still felt that this is not right? I cant figure out what has gone wrong, it seems like the dreams that i craved so much since my younger days is not really quite my dreams anymore.i keep asking myself isn't it all of these is what i want? why i didnt felt the joy that i thought i should have?

If i really have to confine the root of my restlessness into a define reason, then i have to say its a simple feeling of not belong to here. This is not my home.

All these time, i never realized how much home meants to me. and when i finally understand and appreciate it. i am thousands miles away from home, How pathetic.

music~passion of my life

Today i am outrageously, overwhelmingly and exhilaratingly happy.

Well, its supposed to be another boring brit brat afternoon. Long hours of lecture, piles of home works waiting to be finished, haiz.. life can’t be more boring than this. And when I look up the sky this morning, and realize the weather in UK changes like women's mood in oestrus, and all I can feel is , oh this is damn annoying.

But, good things do happened in the most unexpected moments, while I was on my way back from buying some groceries, I had witness a spectacular street performance by a group of hippies. GOsh, they are fabulous! They were using all those trash like pipes, pail, broken pots and etc as their musical instruments. Its like an unplugged concert, the most intriguing sights among all is the massive pipe in orange color whereby they tab on it to produce different pitch of musical notes. They even have three set of it so that different layers of music just like soprano, alto, tenor and bass were merge together in its most harmonic way.






The most interesting part is actually they make the music become some sort of art presenting. They sway along the music, move their body to the rhythm, even went into the crowd to interact with them. and yes, the samba music makes me wanna shake my butt in public and dancing all the way.



Life in UK sucks, but at least I still have music.

me, myself and i

Since I have officially declare the closure of my multiply’s blog. Well, from now on I will write all my true feelings, regardless happy or sad into my lost world in blogspot. So there will be no mask for me anymore, this the true susan that I will reveal from this moment on.

The decision of shedding the rotten skin of mine and be myself again is not something that come spontaneously. I never thought that some people actually think that all those words I wrote in multiply are fakes. “A hypocrite!” that is what a friend of more than ten years called me, simply because he think that I’m hiding the looser me in my lost world while pretending to be the happy and positive Susan in front of others in multiply. I wish I can feel angry, cuz after the angriness ceases, my mind cleared and I’m back to sense again, I will think that its no big deal and will simply forgive him for the hurt that he cast on me. But what I feel is sad, hopelessly sad and grief. It hurt so much until I suffocated and have to hug myself so tight to stop me from tears.

There is a simply truth that I learnt after the talk with Lyon, that I have to learn to be myself, that I can write for no one but myself, that I can carry on having friends but not completely loving them whole heartly without leaving any space for my own, that I can stop bothering what others think about me and what they expect from me.

Why is it so hard to just being myself?

Well, maybe its because most of the people dunno who are they actually. If I dunno who I am, how can i live for who I am? What make me me? The name “susan”? the meaningless numbers on my ic? the role that I play as a student? a daughter? a friend? My academic achievement? My properties? If I take away all this external factors that makes me me, then will I still be susan?

Actually I found this is fairly intriguing, if one day I went to a whole new place where no one knows me, eg like New Orleans, and I ditch all those external factors that makes me me for all these time, will I still be the same old susan? If the theory works, maybe from totally empty and nothing, I can discover who I am actually. Just like the infant who just parturate from mothers womb, I might be able starting a new life.

Bt I doubt that I can do that, cuz’ eventually the internal factor will still reflecting for who I am, the personality, the emotion state, the past will still bugging me and continue to influence the being of me. So I guess, going to other place thousands kilometers away from home doesn’t makes me a better person neither can make me live a better life, in fact people travels around the world and find that the best place on earth is home.

Maybe I just have to go back to the starting point and try to make a change there, instead of wondering around in the foreign place and lost myself even more.

Let me go

This is a place called Atlantis,
my lost world, my solitude, my one and only refuge,
Its a place that i really wanna say all my thoughts out,
Its a place that i am free to vent all my frustration and anger,
Its a place that i share my true happiness.

its supposed to stay lost and undiscovered forever,
but somehow i lose my guard,
and i let some people come into my territory,
i block my consciousness for a while,
and let others dwell into my most privacy,
cuz'i trust them wont do any harm to me.

But eventually i was wrong,
instead of trying to understand me,
they crash me down and burnt me,
they drown me in and choke my last breath away,
they take away all my belief and faith,
they snap away my last hope.

and now i have nothing left behind,
i have lose the courage to believe again,
i have lose all the trust i build for 10 years,
i have lose someone that once meants an awful lot to me.

so, from now on i am just myself,
i dont have friends anymore,
i will have to go strong and carry on,
and i have to say no to those hurt me
i have to close my doors from those who tore me apart,
cuz' thats the only way i can survive.

so, if you still grab a piece of me,
please let me go,
please free me from this suffocation,
if you once were my friends long time before,
i beg you to just let me go.

this is my lost world,
you can come in if only you really care for me.
or else, leave me alone,
i deserve other things that better than your sympathy.

the end of the road

i started to know why people stop writting blogs. Because they lose the inspiration, like my friend Joe, because there is nothing more to say, like Lyon. For me its because the road had come to its end.

my friends deserted me, my motivation to write left me, my love for doing something i love to do is gone.

Therefore this is the end.

Someday i might write again, or there will be no someday.

These are my final words.

i'm sincerely sorry, if i'm bossy, self centered, selfish, inconsiderate, stingy, cool etc. i never wanted to be that way, but if i have done so, please forgive me, these are my final plead. I am the decendent of Eve, and i'm weak, i do sin all the time, i'm no perfect, i'm just a worthless clay in The potter's hand. But this is who i am.

i'd never been a good friend, i didnt even have a proper farewell with my friends when i left and flew to UK, cuz' it was to painful for me to say goodbye.Once i thought a friend can loves you for all the goods and flaws in you, but the truth tell me, its never that way. People might get dissapointed with you eventually, sooner or later. i did try to be a better person, for my familiy, my friends and my loves one. But sometime its just not easy, sorry if i failed you, i can never be a person that i can't be.

Its hard for me to get till this far, i thanked God if you supported me all the way, and i hope you can whisper a silence prayer to me even when i write no more.

Good morning, good afternoon and Good night, before my lights burnt out, i wish you well.

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17 CommentsChronological Reverse Threaded

delete reply nightscamp wrote on Jun 9, '05 hey babe... Sorry you feel you have to go. But anyway, it's a new chapter of life you're working on now. Leave what you have to behind, and ensure that you do move on and move strong! I wish you all the best in your every endevioure. May the light and love of God be with you, guarding and guiding you always through your journey. I hope that you acheive what you've left to achieve, and I hope that you do so to the highest form of excellence! May you always walk in light! May your days always be bright! God be with you. Take care and be well! Sincerely Lanis P.S. you're a wonderful person.

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jun 9, '05 nightscamp said hey babe... Sorry you feel you have to go. But anyway, it's a new chapter of life you're working on now. Leave what you have to behind, and ensure that you do move on and move strong! I wish you all the best in your every endevioure. May the light and love of God be with you, guarding and guiding you always through your journey. I hope that you acheive what you've left to achieve, and I hope that you do so to the highest form of excellence! May you always walk in light! May your days always be bright! God be with you. Take care and be well! Sincerely Lanis P.S. you're a wonderful person. thanx for the words, i get touched when people wish me God bless cause thats what keep me going strong for all these years, i'm amazed that i still survive well in UK now, its really God bless.

delete reply pohmui wrote on Jun 9, '05, edited on Jun 9, '05 GoD bLeSs.... (get touched) well, susan, we stop writing not because of the world just ended, not because the light goes off but because the new chapter had not began. Hope to see you blogging your new chapter of life when it began. Your light will never burnt off. Hmm.. it reminded me of a poem "Angels of peace.." Anyway.. Your new chapter will begin real soon.

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jun 10, '05, edited on Jun 10, '05 tammy, its great getting replies from you now and then. just wanna say thanx. well, indeed my new chapter of life have begin, but with alot of tears and heartache. words have powers and its harmful when people mis-use it. one things stopping me from blogging is because words hurts me so much until i have no will to write anymore. to any bloggers out there, blogging is not an easy tool to vent your frustration or complain towards particular someone when you can't do it in reality. its done more harm to the person than you can ever imagine.

delete reply nightscamp wrote on Jun 10, '05 atlantisian said thanx for the words, i get touched when people wish me God bless cause thats what keep me going strong for all these years, i'm amazed that i still survive well in UK now, its really God bless. I Always believe that God is there for His children, even if they don't believe in Him... God IS always there for you and that's why you've survived and will continue to survive... You are strong within. Always believe and always grow stronger... You have what you need to always make the best of life. hugs* God bless and love be with you always! Lanis

delete reply eugenetwj wrote on Jun 10, '05 Susan... you still owe me a song. Dont just leave like that. Sigh.. Well susan, whats gotta come gotta come. All of us bloggers experienced it sometime. Bloggers block i call it. Hehe... But anyway, you're welcome back to blogging anytime ya. Will read your articles anyday. Except for the day that im most busy writing my own :)

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jun 11, '05 eugenetwj said Susan... you still owe me a song. Dont just leave like that. Sigh.. Well susan, whats gotta come gotta come. All of us bloggers experienced it sometime. Bloggers block i call it. Hehe... But anyway, you're welcome back to blogging anytime ya. Will read your articles anyday. Except for the day that im most busy writing my own :) yeah, i constantly read yours too. and it makes my days shine just to read your stuff, but for the mean time, pen off.

delete reply eugenetwj wrote on Jun 11, '05 Or more like, Keyboard Off. ;) Listen to Lanis

delete reply banana2 wrote on Jun 9, '05 yesterday still got post, today say don't want to write anymore... wonder why... anyway, ur blogs are famous and u have some loyal readers, and i am look forward to ur next story! enjoy writing! have fun! don't be stressed! amatuer don't write everyday!

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jun 9, '05 banana2 said yesterday still got post, today say don't want to write anymore... wonder why... anyway, ur blogs are famous and u have some loyal readers, and i am look forward to ur next story! enjoy writing! have fun! don't be stressed! amatuer don't write everyday! jinhaw, you have been a great friend to share my blog with, and i am thankful for that. Things happened and hurt was done, its something that i least expected to received. and i dont have the will to carry on blogging anymore. anyway, i will still felt happy to read constantly what you write, at least its reminding me the pleasure of blogging that once i loved so much.

delete reply lyonlionel wrote on Jun 9, '05 as others have said, you will be missed. perhaps one day....

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jun 9, '05 lyonlionel said as others have said, you will be missed. perhaps one day.... lyon, i'm stepping the same road as once you went through and now i really understand why you do that. guess we are the same kind. cheers, life sucks.

delete reply yjunhan wrote on Jun 15, '05, edited on Jun 15, '05 Hey susan, u kno wat?? I alwiz find u bloggers interesting people!! The way u guys write about & describe juz most of the things fascinate me & i'm dead serious!! I really do enjoy reading ur pieces!! i dun really kno wat u've been thru, but i wud think its quite a harsh thing that u came across...nevertheless, stay strong!! i alwiz thought u were a happy person with strong will & determination! Don't let an obstacle stop u from wat u've been doing! It's not worth it! Continue writing, when inspiration comes! Like Lok Cheng's favourite quote: Never stop to begin; Never begin to stop! Best wishes =)

delete reply pohmui wrote on Jun 15, '05 Never stop to begin; Never begin to stop! good quote.... never begin to stop..

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jun 15, '05 yjunhan said Hey susan, u kno wat?? I alwiz find u bloggers interesting people!! The way u guys write about & describe juz most of the things fascinate me & i'm dead serious!! I really do enjoy reading ur pieces!! i dun really kno wat u've been thru, but i wud think its quite a harsh thing that u came across...nevertheless, stay strong!! i alwiz thought u were a happy person with strong will & determination! Don't let an obstacle stop u from wat u've been doing! It's not worth it! Continue writing, when inspiration comes! Like Lok Cheng's favourite quote: Never stop to begin; Never begin to stop! Best wishes =) thanx for the words, it meant alot for me. at times, i thought that life can be so much easier if i care less and just do whatever i want to do, but the fact that when we living in this earth, circle by so many people, its hard to practice detachment. for the moment, the feeling still bugging me, guess i just have to hibernate for a while first.

delete reply garypkh wrote on Jun 15, '05 I really think that you should take things slowly and RELAX... No point rushing to something and end up regretting it later in your life. Maybe you should stop thinking too much, relax for a while and let the fate deals with it. Very often things will turn out to be just fine...

delete reply john3sixteen wrote on Aug 17, '05 atlantisian said For me its because the road had come to its end. my friends deserted me, my motivation to write left me, my love for doing something i love to do is gone. Therefore this is the end. Someday i might write again, or there will be no someday. These are my final words. For someone who has only began to really read multiply blogs, your last entry has really come unexpected. Two months have passed since this journal entry. Have things changed for you? We all lose our motivation to write. Sometimes life deals us a bad card and we feel like leaving everything behind and moving on without getting over things. Have your friends deserted you? Fear not and look around you, there are new friends to be made. Better that you stop writing than you to stop hoping. It is not the end. I refuse to believe that it is the end for you. For we are made more than conquerors and we will never be alone though circumstances seem to tell us that we have nothing to look forward to anymore. No how bad things go, you still have friends like us madcap CB coursemates. We may be poor substitutes to those you left behind in Malaysia, we all learn to make do and make more of our surroundings. You are a strong person. You have a strong personality. Blogs reveal the personal side of you, a page of truth in your life. But never forget to be truthful to yourself. If you have any problems or sorrow, friends are here to share them with you. I won't be seeing you soon when you return to Malaysia and back here to Liverpool, but I will never give up praying that things will be fine for you. Life has much to offer a daughter of God. Be strong. I know you will make it.