worn out

i wish i had greater control towards my emotional fluctuation. lost my self control again today due to some misundertsanding with my friends regarding the ticketing problem. looks like now i have to travel back from Malaysia to London alone next month. But they didnt really noticed that i'm actually felt disturbed and upset over the whole incident, which is good. there is no point letting the whole universe gloomy and mourn with me when my milky way had gone rancid at one point.

my tears really doesnt mean anything nowadays. its so hard to suppress the secretion of the tears from the tears duct when my emotion is overflowing. i used to restrain myself from crying cuz i used to think that crying is an act of cowardism which doesn't help to solve the problem at all except making myself feel more pathetic. i dunno since when my tears had become a frequent company of mine. when i'm lonely, i cried; when i miss someone, i cried; when i felt touched and moved by simple things like a song or some words, i cried; when i listen to the voice of my love one that sounded so distant away, i cried.

sometime i even cried for no reason. i wonder why. i guess it really doesnt mean a thing anymore.

i know my emotional state is floating easily with the wave, i cant even feel the firm base under my feet that can hold me and make me stand still. i dont even know will i able to withstand the next wave without falling down. every little incident which occured out of my expectation can disturbed my emotion so easily. i have no control over how i feel and how it influence my rationality.

i recognize the depression hit very well now. and everytime after combating the emotion turmoil, i felt so worn out. yeah, i'm sober now, thats why i'm able to reason out the whole thing well and determine to solve the whole problem rasionally. Its ironic that how easily my consciousness can be distorted and manipulated by my own emotion and recollect the pieces back again.

i guess i'm just human.