2010

"Life aint easy, but its a joy to live."

Sometimes words like this just come to me in the most unexpected, enlightenment way.

2009 has been a long but paradoxically a short year as well. Holidays are short and working days are long, so its all about relativity. Things happened, good things, bad things, its all part of the parcel called life, hence i have nothing to complain about.

To be frank there are a few incidents happened in 2009 which leaves a bitter scar in my heart, those are the lessons which i have learnt and hopefully need not to repeat again in future.

I was forced to say good byes to some of my good friends, whom i recognized as my brothers and sisters. We used to fight for the same course and the spiritual bonding which we shared is as deep as blood bonds. Honestly, am not good in communication and sometimes am lack of initiative when it comes to maintaining friendship. I may not be expressive, but i do care. The fact that human are physicals, there is always an inherent barrier in how we are connecting to each other. We are not spiritual beings whereby the emotions can be freely shared or communicated through some magical telepathic manner. There are times when words are simply not enough, and actions are seen as meaningless.

However, though ideology may changed, principles may differed, paths may diverted, i'm thankful that the feeling for each other is always there. Though we are walking on different ways now but our paths still intertwined with each others.

Yeah, we do love each other more than the differences between us.

On the positive side, there are also times whereby i felt like i can never said 'thank you' enough. I had ample of chances in 2009 to travel around, Shanghai, Cheong Qing, Hanoi, Jakarta, Singapore, Langkawi, Hong Kong etc. and the travel experience opened up my horizon and enriched my life like never before. I'd met different people, of all walks of life and all kinds of culture, skin color, profession. And through them i came to realize that what a wonderful world we live in.

I'm also thankful for the change in my career as i'd nearly give up and seriously considered to resign at one point of time. Business speaks selfish languages. In order to protect company's best interest, i'm forced to be part of the game. It was a battle which i faced everyday the moment i stepped into the office, against the enemy i called 'myself'. I'm lucky in a sense that my company had decided to give me the chance to perform to the best of my capability and capacity in the area which i'm comfortable at. I'd changed from my current position of business development to Product portfolio development and management. For whatever reason (maybe its because my boss getting tired of me objecting him all time), i'm thankful.

Anyway, its only a few more hours to go before we wave good bye to 2009. To all who read this, thank you for the companionship we shared in words. I've nearly forgotten how fun it is to write.

Happy 2010!

Merry belated Christmas

Was away for a long Christmas holiday for the past one week, i'm glad to say I AM BACK! finally!

Anyway, have around 60 emails in my inbox to clear off, so I wont be naggy today. Alot of things happened during the trip which i'm eager to share with all my friends in this space, but i do need some time to re arrange my stuff, my room, recollect my thoughts before i'm actually pen it down (or rather type it out).

The funny thing is while i'm away from my laptop for the whole week, i missed being online dearly, i missed checking my friend's blogs, spying on what others did or eat, youtubing, or simply random browsing.... Many times i have this strong feeling of need and urgency to pour out everything i saw, heard, experienced and the expansive dose of words in me. However, when i finally back, my thoughts was so scattered and diffused, and i have to literally cool down and settle my mind before i can throw myself back to the world of blogging.

Anyway, at the mean time, i would like to say THANK YOU, a zillion times to my families and friends who are so generous with their presents and wishes. Its truly a blessing to have you all during this season of love and sharing.

For some reason, i had received alot of cosmetics gifts. However the most unexpected gift of all is from Peter's mom, a cute blue mug which have nice little nose.

Before i got the chance to ask her how come the mug only have a nose but no eyes and mouth, she started to laugh hysterically. You can imagine how confused i am, until I went and checked the prints on the mug, which says:

"Check your breast today"

Avatar, when human become inhumane

* BIG SPOILER * dont read this if you planned to watch Avatar.

I went to watch Avatar yesterday. To be frank, take away the tiny flaws in the plot of the story, i have to say it was pretty entertaining and i enjoyed it very much. Its good that sometime we go to watch movie without any expectation and when its still oven hot, there wont be much reviews from others which may creates certain biasness and expectation in our mind.

The perfect example- New moon, get what i mean?

James Cameron must be really craving for a BIG comeback after the history making Titanic blockbuster, cuz Avatar is a movie with gob-smacking sensory overloaded visuals impacts. It was action packed, full with vivid colors, beautiful and almost magical sceneries, but the most captivating thing about the movie is that the 3D scenes are almost human real without the cartoonish/anime-nish look.

Avatar talks about human invation into a foreign planet of an indegenious species called Na'vi to mine for a precious mineral. Jake Sully, an ex marine who was paralyzed from the waist down was hired as the driver (through neural links) for Avatar, a biological replication of Na'vi species created by human. The Avatar programme aimed at diplomacy between the two population however Jake Sully was the mole who repurpose the programme from diplomacy to espionage.

What's unexpected was Jake fell in love with his new body, new identity, new culture, new home and Neytiri, the teacher and the princess who taught him everything about being a Na'vi. He soon realized Pandora (the greens) and the Na'vis are too precious to be destroyed by humans and the realization led him to road of betrayer for his own species.

My movie kaki felt that Avatar is the Sci fi version of Disney's Pocahantus story, except that Jake Sully become the de facto leader of the indegenious population while John Smith had failed miserably, leaving behind Pocahantos and the colors of the wind. To me, it was not much of a love story, but more of a man whom was given a second chance to live again. In the Navi's body, Jake had experienced the life which he can never experienced in his crippled body, although his physicals was still in the human's world, but his conscious and heart is with the Na'vis. Well, given the chance, who wants to be associated with human whose greed is a never ending black hole.

Avatar was not the first movie which describe cruelty of human against the other life form, the inhuman act of human in District 9 preceeded Avatar in many ways. Its kinda funny to see the crowds in the cinema shed tears when the Na'vis were butchered and cheered when the human troops were killed, what an irony. In my opinion, it wasnt something which is outrageous or absurb, if human are mass killing themselves (genocides, war), what stopping them from killing the 'aliens'?

The movie was indeed an eye opener.

Cone Pizza

It was Peter's birthday a few days ago, and we went for an un romantic dinner at an Italian restaurant. Well the reason why i said it was un romantic its because his friend called up to wish him happy birthday and get to know that we are contemplating a pizza dinner. And his reaction was:

"This is so un romantic!"

well, i guess having pizza sounds cheap and common by many definition. But for a 5 years old couple like us, candle light and sexy lounge music would be good, but not our priority. Of course we have our moments for romantic timeout, but on a Thursday night after a tiring day of work, practicality come first. Well, who doesnt enjoy affordable but tasty food?

Cone Pizza at Sri Rampai is not a fancy place but definitely a good choice for fast dinner and quality food. One thing which is a bit funny is that the design is abit like Secret Recepi with red and white internal deco, i cant help but wonder maybe it's under the same restaurant management chain. The restaurant was named after its signature dish which is pizza in cone shape, like a connetto ice cream. But the sad thing was the dish doesnt really live up to our expectation. The concept is unique, but the bread crust was a bit too thick and the taste was quite bland to be frank.

The birthday boy enjoying his cone pizza (classic peperonni)

However, the fetuccine were great, i've ordered the carbonara while Peter ordered the Arabiata (with olives and dry tomatoes), both of us enjoyed the noodles very much.

We also ordered some sides which was nothing to shout about.

It was a great meal overall, and i wont hesistate to come back for second time.

Becoming 30

Lately, i was talking to different people at different occasion but it was all about the same topic- becoming 30.

Whenever someone raised the topic (unintentionally), my observation is that there is always the same pattern of response. First, everyone will start to nod their head and cant wait to echo with 'amen'. Some will act a bit edgy and soon submerged into depression mode, then followed by the reminiscence epic on "those are the days....", finally the conversation ends with someone letting out a long sigh.

There are also times when the conversation just simply dies off cuz its a silent understanding that no matter how much we fret about getting old and we mourned about the end of our youthful days, we still have to face the fact that its coming, willingly or by force.

Most of friends who are in late 20's, shudder at the thought of stepping into the world of 30 (++) years old uncle and auntie. But i find that ironically, at one hand we fret that clock is clicking too fast, but on another hand we rush to do more things as though we cant wait to become 30's. Remember how we rushed through our secondary school life to get a car license or a boyfriend? how we rushed through college thinking what job to go for when we are out there, and when we finally landed with a job, we start to plan to get next promotion. And at mid 20s, we rushed to get our first 10k, then 100k, then a car, then a house, ohh... not forgetting getting hitched and some toddles by chance. In a nutshell, we work our days in and out so that we can be happily settled at 30s.

But what about living the moment? for that particular of time/phase of your life and enjoy it to the fullest? Sometimes, we rush for wanting to get the next thing which may not be necessary during that point of time.

So is it that sad to become 30? Frankly i dont think so.... if we know how to live the moment and embrace what life gotta offer to us during that stage.

I guess its no longer secret that I have only 4 years to go before i'm qualified for such entitlement. But apart from the extra wrinkles and loosening of muscle tone, am actually welcome the idea of becoming 30s.

I dont feel the need to return to or prolong the estrogen pumping, insecurity and emotional days of my 20s. There are only so many heartbreaks, so many 12 hours a day 6 days a week working madness a girl can take. My life is good, i have good job, good friends, good love relationship and so there are no need for me to dwell in my sweet 20s any longer than it should.

Responsibilities aside, i think 30s is when the true harvesting started. I had learn enough and work enough (and pak tor enough) to be in the state i'm in or with the person i'm with today. I can afford to splurge on a fancy dinner one night without ripping a hole in my budget; i can stay at home potato couch-ing the entire Saturday without worrying of being a loser for not having any plans for weekend; On those cold rainy night, i can cuddled with my love and sigh in contentment instead of msn-chatting with some stranger to fill the blackhole of loneliness inside..

So happy birthday dear, you still have 2 years to go before the sweet 30 comes, but be assure that i'll be there to have the fancy dinner with you, lying on the couch watching tele with you and cuddle you tight through cold rainy night.

am not suicidal

Peter said i sounded suicidal in the previous post ... (-_-''')

To be honest i am not, the post was the output of an impromptu splurge, which was part of the natural reponse of the body feedback loop towards stimulants such as stress and physical fatigues.

In fact i think the 'out of body' experience which i had that night is the natural way of my mind 'rejuvenating' itself, an emotional cleansing process to empty myself and to re fill my chi or chakra in order to fight the physical exhaustion and enervation.

Anyway here comes the proof that i'm still have my sanity firmly intact.

But frankly, i do feel that i'm ready to 'go' during that night. If 2012 was realized during that moment, i think i would extend my arm and welcome the fireballs to engulf me completely.

...... this reminds me of Charlie Frost, the nutty fella who predicted the end of the world in 2012, but turns into ash when the volcano exploded.

I take back my word.

where we're going

I had a long day at work yesterday, an unexpected family crisis happened at noon, a heated debate during management meeting, a series of nasty emails firing to and fro (God forbid me). Its not bitter or resentment which i felt, am just exhausted and drained, inside out, outside in.

I cant find a better sentences to describe this but the reality of life engulfed me.

When i was on Jalan Tun Razak cruising home at 8pm, it was still raining like cats and dogs. My heart was low and my mind was numb. The pebbles of rain drops hitting hard on the windscreen, one moment it was blurred, but clearly wiped the next moment, and the motion repeated, blurred, cleared, blurred, cleared ....

Do you think I'm special?
Do you think I'm nice?
Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces?
Between the noise you hear
And the sound you like
Are we just sinking in an ocean of faces?

It can be possible that rain can fall,
Only when it's over our heads
The sun is shining everyday, but it's far away
Over the world is death.

Ryan Tedder mourned a world goes wrong from the stereo. I dont know why but he sounded so sad in "All the right moves".

They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down

The voice hit me, hard, the sentence was replayed over and over in my head...

Everybody knows where we're going
but we're going down
.......
i know where i'm going
am i going down?

It was a complete darkness which i felt inside, a blank moment, a deafening moment, as though the time stopped, and the world ceased to spin at its axis. It was an undescribable feeling of nothing matters anymore.

It was nothing to start with, and nothing in the end.

And then i realized that i'm driving at the speed of 100km/hr on a dark winding road. i was on auto pilot mode for the past 15 mins. As soon as i've realized this, the moment was snapped and gone.

I still cant articulate in words whats gotten to me that night. It an unutterable and ineffable moment which i feel that i am ready to go, and that nothing matters anymore. Work stress, family matters, religious issues .... am ready to let it go.

And i thought i wont write any emo blog for the time being.