please, not now

Felt really tired today, physically and emotionally. when i told C.fei all i wanna do is to hug and cry with her, its not solely becuse she needs my comfort, its because i need someone to hug me as well.

i miss hugging by my close friends and family.

There are so many emotions tangles and scrambles in my heart, waiting to be solved, waiting to be settled. but i'm just too tired to do so. And most of the time i just suppress the feeling and pretend nothing really happened.

But after i came to UK, suddenly all the problems seems to surpass the caution line and emerge to the surface. what i am doing now is trying to ignore the beeping warning light and silently pray that it will never overflows from the emotional jar.

"just hope that you are fine. I don know wat i should do next. Is that mean the friendship is over?"

i know i should try to sort it out with him face to face although he hurt me so much. i know deep down in my heart i still care for him as a friend of more than ten years although he had violated my faith in friendship.

"以前有个人告诉我，"无论环境如何改变，请你不要放弃"， 但是先放弃的人，最终还是那个人，我不怪那个人，因为环境、时间、心情都会轻易的更新变化。。。"

"以为离开了伤心，这一生不会再有难过，但谁会知道心中深处的伤痕？"

i know Uking's words still has the effect on me, i know i am forever guilty for not trying hard enough nor giving him chance to mend the broken relationship, i know i'm the one to blame for being so cruel to him, i know my head will definitely ache again when i heard that he did noticed that i removed him from my multiply contact list. i know i should at least trying to contact him back as we are stepping on the same solid ground now.

i know i must determine to solve it all or else it will bugging me forever. i know i have to deal with it sooner or later.

i really do know.

But please, not now.

i'm just too tired to make any changes, to take any initials, to make any moves. i'm still trying to recollect the pieces of me, i'm still trying to gather my courage and faith. can i just let it be for the moment?

please, not now.