Hey there

Hey there, it has been a while.

Many started to ask me whether or not I have gave up blogging. Well, the answer is definitely not, it wasn't that easy to just simply quit like that after blogging for so long. But on the other hand, for some reason, I failed to find the motivation nor the need to pour out so freely like I used to. It's not that my life has been mundane and uneventful, in fact many interesting events happened in the past 4 months- I have landed myself with a new job (finally after 6 years!); managed to accomplish some of the tasks in my 30 before 30s list; went to Bangkok with the girls and etc., but strangely enough, the need to capture all these moments in words, in sentence, was simply no there. 

For many years, blog has been a very faithful friend of mine. For my friends who I didn't get the chance to talk/ hangout that much, i guess the blogger persona was the outlet for the rest of myself to them. It was a persona which I really enjoyed, cuz in my mind, I am a more interesting person in my blog rather than in real life. I don't know about other bloggers, but most of time, I tend to 'over-writing' it, not exaggerating, but more like accentuating it with flowery vocabulary or beautifying it with some sepia filtered pictures, so that the story is more interesting or appealing rather than just another day-to-day updates.

However, sometimes I wonder for those who read my blog, do they make connection between my writing and the person who I really am? Maybe I should try to engage more with them in real life rather than relying on the writing-publish-waiting for comment-replying comment as means of interaction with them. BUT, whenever I think about quitting blogging, I have to admit that I got a little bit scared inside, if I don't document these event somehow, will I forget about it eventually? will  I simply drift across things, passing through everyday repetitively, and never able to find any significant milestones to define my life?

I think it's only human nature that we like to look into the past to define who we really are today. And for this reason alone, I have diligently and religiously documenting my life for the past 7 years in this little blog, so that I will never forget who I was and what I achieved in those years. But as I'm growing older and slowly going down the path of losing my "innocence", the need to be consistently proving to myself and to others who I really am is no longer essential. 

Is it a cliche to say that I am a more matured person now?  

I guess aging really changes people.

Anyway, I guess I am back to blogging now. 

Embracing a Clean Slate

I was away from blogging routine for quite some time now but not without reasons. Many things occurred lately, some are petty; some are crucial and potentially life changing. And I do felt the immense urge to share, however I have to bit my tongue after some second thought, nowadays internet has become the most convenient space for people to dig for information. I definitely dont want others to use my own words  against me in future.    

If I were to sum up what I felt for the past 2 weeks with a single sentence, This will be the right one. 

"Don't waste your time with explanations, People only hear what they want to hear." Paulo Coelho 

I find that too many effort and time has been vested and wasted in this action called "giving explanation". Whether its through writing emails or speaking through phone or direct face-to-face meeting, people demand some sort of explanation when things went wrong, which in the past I would gladly comply. Many times, I would offer long and detailed explanation, as scientifically and logically as possible. However, one thing which I came to realized is that, no matter how good your explanation is, people only hear what they want to hear.

The realization bugged me for many days and nights, I'm mourning for my stupidity for being the subject of convenient blame, but at the same time, I'm determined, to hold myself back and to explain no more. The next thing come to me is that, I need a clean slate, which does not require begging others to listen to my explanation. 

Anyway, only time can tells whether the slate is truly 'clean'. The good thing about a new year is that whatever happens in the past now is in the rear view mirror. I know nearly a month had passed since the starting of the new year and although I'm still in the shit cleaning state at the moment, but I'm really looking forward to a year with a clean slate whereby there are fresh new opportunities for me to improve myself and my current life.

This year I'm marching into 30s', but I believe that the best has yet to come. 

Yeah, better days are coming.

New year

2013 had started, yesterday in fact. 

For some reason, I feel like I'm still somehow lagging behind when the rest of the world has marched into the new year.I didn't had the moment of epiphany now that I'm finally 30 (by birth year not birth day); 1/1/2013 didn't felt any difference from any other normal day; heck, I still couldn't get used to the "2013" whenever I pen down the date. 

That being said, it doesn't mean that we didn't had a good day on the 1st day of 2013. My family and I went for a good lunch at La Risata, followed by watching The Hobbit yesterday. La Rista's squid ink pasta was superb, and the Hobbit makes me wanna re-watch The Lord of Ring series all over again.

Picture taken from here. CAPELLINI AL NERO CON FRUTTI DI MARE (RM35). Angel hair pasta with prawn, squid & roasted cherry tomatoes in a squid ink sauce

For some, new year celebration can be all about partying and letting themselves loose, but starting a new year on a right foot takes more than just great food and movie. A clean slate I would call it. Like what Pi said in The Life of Pi, “It's important in life to conclude things properly. Only then can you let go. Otherwise you are left with words you should have said but never did, and your heart is heavy with remorse.” So when the world is still basking in the new year celebration, I had my share of quiet time with my close friends to reflect and ponder. 

We talked about how 2012 was for each of us, our gratitude, our gain, our insufficiency, our lost, our fear but mostly our prayer for the new year. It was quite awkward at first, everyone seemed to be reluctant to break the ice. Then, the first one spoke, followed by the second, third, and without even knowing it, the conversation flowed effortlessly, we talked and talked, laughed and cried, one after another, without any cue at all. And then we started to pray. The prayer went on for a long long time, in fact it was the longest that I've ever remembered. When the sound of fireworks came from afar, we were still deep in prayer, and no one realized the fact that we've missed the new year countdown ritual.

In a way I'm really glad that we had that night. Not rushing into new year resolution, but to reflect and encourage one another. And I know it takes a lot of gut to look into whats beneath the layers and layers of pretentious we clothed, everyday in and out. But I knew for sure when we are honest about ourselves in front of others, it brought some form of closure and freedom.

Have a blessed year ahead.