The brain is wider than the sky

Meet the new love of my life.

His name is Joshua, a 1 year old boy who is super alert, smart and just started to walk! Its not like I understand what's the level of intelligence a 1 year old should have, but I was constantly amazed by the way he responded to instruction and music, and how alert he is to new things happened around him. His spongy brain absorbing tons of knowledge like there is no end. 

Its funny that when we get older we no longer absorb information as well as we used to be when we are young. I don't have a scientific explanation to this but I think it's because when we get older, as we know more and more, it reach a state that we just lose interest with simple things in life. We started to subconsciously filtering information which received by our senses and before we realized it, only sophisticated and extra ordinary things can excite / stimulate us. It's such as pity that our brain is conditioning to only taking in new information when they are so called significant or serve our purpose, for example boring stuff like job related knowledge. I hope we can always remember the inner child in us, not just by heart, but by brain as well. 

I like to play with my mobile phone, yeah yeah

Baby Joshua like to see new things. He got hooked on every little things like the strangers walking passed him; the birds flying in the sky; barking sound of the neighbor's dogs and even how the vacuum cleaner works. 

I like to clap when i heard clapping sound. I like to blow big kiss and making big "puttttt" sound on someone else's arms using my mouth

There is this beautiful poem by Emily Dickinson (1830–86)

THE BRAIN is wider than the sky,
For, put them side by side,
The one the other will include
With ease, and you beside.  

The brain is deeper than the sea,
For, hold them, blue to blue,
The one the other will absorb,
As sponges, buckets do.

The brain is just the weight of God,
For, lift them, pound for pound,
And they will differ, if they do,
As syllable from sound.

The Brain is Wider Than the Sky is not just a sciences of a biological organ, but a state of mind, an attitude and aptitude towards life. I hope as baby Joshua growing up day by day, he will not just continue to learn more and more things, but more so find joy in learning.

Father

Just wanted to share a back-dated post about Father's day. 

I read a touching post written by my colleague recently, its called "Male and Proud of It". Its not my practice to share news or articles related to my work in my personal blog, but i simply love this post. The post was about the pride of a male as a father. My father was never expressive in his words and thoughts, not to his children, not even to his wife. Gifts and words of complements were very rare, even for special occasion. Am not saying that I never felt love from my father, its just that i don't feel the expression of it that often. 

So when i read this post from another father, I do wonder do my father felt the same too? Is he beyond elated when I was born to this world? Does he proud to be a father of his three children? Did he has the same joy the author had when I wished him "happy father's day" recently through the phone? And when he walked down the isle with me one year ago, does he felt sad to let me go? 

".... Sherman made the terrible discovery that men make about their fathers sooner or later... that the man before him was not an aging father but a boy, a boy much like himself, a boy who grew up and had a child of his own and, as best he could, out of a sense of duty and, perhaps love, adopted a role called Being a Father so that his child would have something mythical and infinitely important: a Protector, who would keep a lid on all the chaotic and catastrophic possibilities of life..." quoted from the article

Or did my father experienced the same as what was described by Tom Wolfe, he was trying the best he can, out of love or sheer sense of duty, to be the father we wanted him to be? And how does he felt now that he has to take up another role- father in law to a man he hadn't raised.

And funny thing is, I never asked him those questions. And I dont know how important it was to me until I type it out in words. In fact I wanted to hear from him personally and not from another father's perspective. 

Do you have the urge to know your father more? Or you already have a very intimate father and daughter relationship which is beyond spoken words. Well, for me, I would need to start with the baby steps, which involves basic thing such as talk more to my father. Well, at least its still not to late to start. 

Happy belated father's day.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach

Do you ever see a photo of your love ones that perfectly represents exactly what they look like to you? That perfectly conveys the way you see them in real life?

This is one of those photos.

Doesn't he look very much "Peter" in the photo? 

I know, my husband is a simple person to please, he is happy as long as there is good food. However bear in mind as well that a hungry husband is an angry husband. So woman, work your way to his heart through his stomach!!

Anyway, cooking and baking is part of my routine now. In fact, i enjoy weekend baking so much that sometimes I rather stay in the kitchen the whole day because that's the only time in the week that I can spend long hours with my precious oven. 

This is a baked cheesecake with blueberries and strawberries. I love the hint of the cream cheese at the first bite of the cake. I've over baked the cake slightly as the texture was a bit crumble. However, it become much more solid and firm after refrigerated overnight. 

The vanilla muffins i baked last weekend. Not too sweet, zero butter, very light and filling. 

I also baked a chocolate pound cake layered with chocolate ganache and a coffee cream cheese layered with butter cake (couldnt find the photos) sometimes ago. I know thats damn lot of cheesecakes but i couldn't help it, cheesecakes are my favourite!

Anyway, I bought some remikin last week. Contemplating to try out panna cotta or creme brulee soon, will definitely post some photos ;)  

Miri oh Miri

I spent my Chinese New Year holiday with my family at Miri recently. It is a very warm town. Literally. As the city was surrounded by the sea, it is moist and heaty all the time. It reminds me alot of Penang, minus the char keow tiao and the seas of people of course. 

Not many people knew much about Miri, except the fact its the birthplace of Malaysia's petroleum industry. Since the day the Hollanders set their drills at the coast, Miri has grown phenomenally into a buzzing little city. Do you know that the first oil well (The Grand Old lady) was drilled by Shell in 1910? Gosh, that's like 102 years ago.

My sister married her college sweet heart who is a Miri-an 3 or 4 years ago. Since then, the small town has become a place she called home. I cant speak for my sister, but sometimes, I still find it hard to accept the fact that the home I grew up in in Kuching is no longer my first home. Both my sister and I left the home that was full of our childhood fond memories at early age to study at the cities that was completely foreign to us. Over the years, we slowly get used to the new environment and build our life around it. However, our little home in Kuching always have a special place in my heart, its a place where I can forget the fact that I'm a manager and whine like a 12 years old; its a place where I have to hid all my love letters under my bed from my curious parents; its a place where I wrote most of my songs with my faithful old friend named guitar under the moonlight....

Although I have so much love for my home in Kuching, however I enjoyed my Chinese New Year holiday the best when I was in Miri with my family.  It was when time like this when we were having our sweet reunion again, it makes me feel so much loved and homey, and the physical place no longer seems to be important.

Anyway, just sharing with you some of the picture taken during the trip at Miri.

This is a small cove very near to our hotel (like 5 mins walking) which leads to the sea. The sky was so blue in the morning, and the fishermen sells fishes freshly caught from the sea at the docking platform.

The food we saw at the local coffee shop. We tried laksa only (which was so so and cost a bomb) since we were stuffed. But the rest looks tempting - The red wine fried rice (This is the first time i saw this), the famous Tomato sauce noodle and Roti kahwin. According to my brother, it means butter and kaya toast, perfect marriage!!

The famous seahorse - icon of Miri.  

Dinner with my relatives. Our first ever picture with my grandmother. She is so old (nearly 90s) which I don't think she recognizes me anymore. 

Well, that sums up my Miri trip. Hope to visit the town (and see my dear nephew) again soon!

Post Christmas Blues

Its approaching the end of 2011.

Many had started to write posts such as: 10 most memorable moments in 2011 or 10 greatest achievements in 2011. I don't understand why are people so obsess with the number "10". If I end up writing such a post, I will never limit myself with 10.

Anyway, its two days after Christmas. I'm sitting in the office while my husband went for a shopping spree at KLCC. Thats why i'm blue. Nah, truth be told, am feeling one kind because there were so much of anticipation and hypes building up all the way to the Christmas, and in a blink of an eye, it ended. Don't get me wrong, my Christmas was fabulous. But the fact that it turned into past tense so fast before I can drench myself in the Christmas spirit makes me cant help but sigh.    

In fact, the shopping malls started to play all the "ji ke long dong qiang dong qiang" songs even before the Christmas decoration tears down. Wow, that's fast. I felt i was sorta left behind, while others had started to march towards the new year. 

Often, many feel a sense of loneliness or emptiness after Christmas season. Its like a void deep inside which can never be filled by any Christmas gifts. Some are recovering from the burnt wallet, some are wondering so-what's-next? Some felt a emotion sharp turn which nearly send them into depression. But, my blue was a different kind of blue. 

There were so much to feel, so much to do, so many friends to meet, so much of love to share during the Christmas, but Christmas day is just ONE day in the cycle of 365 days. In fact i somehow managed to stretch the celebration to 4 days by having church Christmas night event on 23/12, Christmas mass and family Christmas dinner on 25/12 and two Christmas gatherings at my home on 26/12. Gosh it was super hectic and I cant recalled the last time I've baked and cooked so much. However, it still felt NOT enough. How I wished the celebration can be extended to the whole year round, and i don't mind listening to Micheal Buble's I'll be home for Christmas for another 365 days. s 

23/12 Church Christmas celebration, all the girls performing mimes for "We are the Reason"

Of course i can still have the gatherings with my friends and families during normal days and not only during Christmas season. But Christmas has this wonderful (and strange) effects on people. I find that people's heart are more open because its the Christmas season. Maybe its the Christmas song, or maybe its white and snowy decoration, or maybe its the peaceful and jolly ambiance. Whatever reason it is, it brought smiles onto people's face easily, it makes you want to skip while walking, it makes your heart felt light and fluffy.

I just wanted this good feeling to go on and on.

2011 Christmas was a special Christmas for me, as I'm celebrating my first Christmas with my 'new' family. Peter and I took up the challenge of cooking the Christmas dinner for the whole family. We had pork ribs, paella, minestrone soup and the cheesecake (which was failed to set, bleh). The food was all gone before I can even take the picture of it. It was a simple dinner with just great conversation and laughters, and I enjoyed the Christmas night with my extended family tremendously. I mean I'm close with Peter's family, but that night, i felt like we were closer than ever. It was finally dawn on me that they are my family now. I guess somewhere along the line after being away from home for 8 years, I've found an anchor and a home here in this city which no longer foreign to me. 

If I sum up one thing which the Christmas this year had taught me, that would be "Cherish the moments of  love". The great moments in our lives are precious, but fleeting. So enjoy and make full use of it when it still last.   

My Nephew

Say Hi to my nephew! 

Frankly, i've always felt like all the babies look the same. But when i finally saw this cute little fella, i was able to identify my sister's mouth and eyes in him. Am totally bias in this but he looks super cute to me, you know being so baby, so little, and ewwwwwww..... i wish i could hold his tiny little fingers now. 

Kudos to my sister as she went through more than a day of hard labour to bring this fella to the world. By the way, there is this question which always lingering in my mind and finally i got the chance to ask the person with the first hand experience.

"There is always a saying that the moment you see the face of the baby after long hours of excruciating labour pain, all the pain just went "poof" and vanished! IS IT TRUE?"  

My sister answer was "Vanish you head la! of course the PAIN is still there".

So here it goes, the myth is now busted. 

Mom

I had started to read "My Sister Keeper" by Jodi Picoult after hearing so much of good recommendation from many bloggers and colleagues. So far, i'm 1/3 through the book, and the message which strike me hard at the moment is that how selfish yet sacrificial a mother's love can be. As contradicting it may sound, it's true.

Anyway, I will reserve my comments until i finish reading the whole book.

I had an 'adult' conversation with my mom last Sunday, not the 18sx 'Adult' type (NO WAY i'm gonna talk to my mom with regards to THOSE topic), but more of the topics related to the adulthood a.k.a. paying bills, owning assets, house renovation etc.

Believe it or not, i seldom talk to my mom with regards to worries and difficulties i faced in my life. Its not that we are not close or i dont trust her enough to share my personal feelings. Its just that i dont want her to be anxious thinking that her daughter is 'suffering' and 'tormenting' at the foreign land 外地 (according to her definition, any place away from home is considered as foreign). It was unnecessary for her to bear my burden as there is nothing much to do when there is a great South China Sea between us.

She always felt that out of her three children, i am the one farthest away from her, hence she felt deeply insecure when she sense the slightest indication of me in depressive mood. In order for her to not fret too much, for years, blogging has been my only outlet to release my true feelings as my mom is a complete Internet noob. Trust me, my mom is good at fishing information from my close friends.

In my mom's eyes, i have ceased to grow since the day i left my family to embark on further studies, that's when i was 17. And to be fair, its really hard to accept your child is a grown up when she was hardly at home. And it doesn't help much either when she only 'heard' from once a week call that i'm had my final examination, i've graduated, i have fallen in love and out of love, i'm flying to UK, i've graduated again, i've found a job, i've bought a car, Peter had proposed to me and i'm getting married soon.

"Eat well, dont take too much of oily food"
"Dont work too hard, sleep early"
"Be careful while crossing the road"..... That's what my mom always told me, in every call, without failed, for 10 years.

And the funny thing is, the more she look at me as a 17 years old hormone ranging teenage, the more i wanted to prove to her that i'm an adult now, by age, by emotional maturity and by financial capability. In short, she don't have to worry because i have everything under control.

"yeah, yeah, am fine, my boss is a headache but i'm dealing with him fine"
"House reno was a mess but peter and I are working on it fine"
EVERYTHING is fine ......... That's what i've always told my mom.

Thats why the tele conversation which we had that night was completely incomprehensible. I dunno what had gotten into my brain but for the first time i was frank with her that i'm fed up with all the adult worries. I've admitted that things are not fine and its not easy to become an adult. And funny thing is, instead of getting all tense up like what i would expected, my mom suddenly talked to me like i'm an adult.

"That's a road where every adult need to go through, your dad and myself were there once, although its frustrating, but its fine, thats all part of the process." She said.

Her words soothes my nerves and frustration almost immediately. I would never expected that my mom is cool enough to talk to me in that way. Finally we are talking at the same level and it really felt like a conversation with a friend.

This bring a whole new meaning to the definition of my adulthood-being an adult means that you can talk to your mom like a friend.

Dear daddy

dear daddy....
i'm leaving, in another 30 days, i'm gonna leave your strong and protective arm, which has been my refuge since the day i was borned. You've become the landscape that is home, the mountain that we look to from afar.

You have never been close to your children, though i know you love us so much but you just dont dare to show your affection to us, i dont know whats the price of this stupid man egoism but somehow i knew you felt lonely when we tend to turn to mom instead of you when we are happy or sad. you never scold me badly before, and you never say you love me before either, you are just being a responsible father, a father that provide me physical and material's need but never try to understand my feeling and longing, a father that insist me to go to church every sunday morning but never tell my why i have to do so, a father that stays awake to wait for me and scold me when i hang out until late night but never admit that its because you concern about my safety... Its obvious that there is an invisible barrier between me and you, and to be truthful, you are the one that build it bricks by bricks.

I know you had never expect me to go that far, cuz' you never believe in my dream and you never thought that its necessary for a girl to have big dreams. Sorry if i failed you for not being an obidient daughter, i had always try to make you proud, i strive for good grades in order to please you. though you never said it out but i can see the appoval and the proud beaming in your eyes at those glorious moment when i went on stage to receive acedemic prizes. That has been my aim for the past 20 years in my life, doing something you want me to do but not something i wanna do.

You know what is the problem daddy? the problem is i love you too much, i can even give up my dream for you. i can never found out who i am if i was being led the whole way, i can never be myself when you are so near to reach, i cannot keep leaning on you when i'm supposed to spread my wings and soars in the sky, cuz' you will always be my easy way out and my refuge. Sooner or later, i will lose the courage to fight, the determination to go alone, i will lose the faith to carry on the quest of serching for my true identity, i can never live my own life.

so daddy, this is time, for me to go alone, for me to go my way, for me to achieve my dream. please bless me and pray for me even though its hard for you to let me go.

dear daddy....i'm leaving.