Since I have officially declare the closure of my multiply’s blog. Well, from now on I will write all my true feelings, regardless happy or sad into my lost world in blogspot. So there will be no mask for me anymore, this the true susan that I will reveal from this moment on.
The decision of shedding the rotten skin of mine and be myself again is not something that come spontaneously. I never thought that some people actually think that all those words I wrote in multiply are fakes. “A hypocrite!” that is what a friend of more than ten years called me, simply because he think that I’m hiding the looser me in my lost world while pretending to be the happy and positive Susan in front of others in multiply. I wish I can feel angry, cuz after the angriness ceases, my mind cleared and I’m back to sense again, I will think that its no big deal and will simply forgive him for the hurt that he cast on me. But what I feel is sad, hopelessly sad and grief. It hurt so much until I suffocated and have to hug myself so tight to stop me from tears.
There is a simply truth that I learnt after the talk with Lyon, that I have to learn to be myself, that I can write for no one but myself, that I can carry on having friends but not completely loving them whole heartly without leaving any space for my own, that I can stop bothering what others think about me and what they expect from me.
Why is it so hard to just being myself?
Well, maybe its because most of the people dunno who are they actually. If I dunno who I am, how can i live for who I am? What make me me? The name “susan”? the meaningless numbers on my ic? the role that I play as a student? a daughter? a friend? My academic achievement? My properties? If I take away all this external factors that makes me me, then will I still be susan?
Actually I found this is fairly intriguing, if one day I went to a whole new place where no one knows me, eg like New Orleans, and I ditch all those external factors that makes me me for all these time, will I still be the same old susan? If the theory works, maybe from totally empty and nothing, I can discover who I am actually. Just like the infant who just parturate from mothers womb, I might be able starting a new life.
Bt I doubt that I can do that, cuz’ eventually the internal factor will still reflecting for who I am, the personality, the emotion state, the past will still bugging me and continue to influence the being of me. So I guess, going to other place thousands kilometers away from home doesn’t makes me a better person neither can make me live a better life, in fact people travels around the world and find that the best place on earth is home.
Maybe I just have to go back to the starting point and try to make a change there, instead of wondering around in the foreign place and lost myself even more.
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