Restless

Life isn't a bed of red roses, that is the only lesson which I’ve consistently learnt throughout the years. Living in this materialistic world where people struggling to earn more than everyone else is a sad sad truth that even myself couldnt seemed to run away from it.

I have a long long talk with Buu a few nights before, pouring all my heart out to him without holding back. Being together for 3 and half years now makes our bond strengthened like it was never before, we accept the strengths and the weaknesses in each other, i feel totally at ease when i am with him, i can see myself become a part of his family, i can see us sharing a life together, raising our kids and even to the extent of grow old together.

However, despite of all the good things that we achieved, i still questioned myself, and to him:

Did we bring out the best of each other? Have i become a better person for him throughout these years?

I wished I can firmly say yes without any hesitation. However it came quite clear to me, especially when my career start to build up in a steady pace, that material world seems to occupy most of my time and effort until the point that other things which supposed to be in higher priority in my life such as relationship, friendship, quality times etc. have become secondary to me. We lose our temper more easily nowadays, our topic is always dwells around work, friends, even politics but not much on personal thoughts and feelings. However, one thing which came clearest to me is that we did not spend time doing what we like to do anymore.

Why did I stop to play guitar nowadays?

Why did i fail to pour out my thoughts freely like i used to be?

Why did you stop to pursue your interest in photography?

Why did we stop backpack traveling and exploring new places?

......

Job was never the goal my life, it’s supposed to be the source of income which support me to do other more important things in my life. However, i am working my ass off everyday until i am too tired for other things. Asset is never my treasure in this world, however, having monthly commitments on car loans, insurance, mutual funds has made me poorer than I’ve never been before. I have no desire to pursue a managerial role or in the position of commanding and demanding, but now i am forced to do so cuz if not i will be eaten alive by the people who plays politics in the company.

Life aint easy, and i am feeling that i am losing something important here.

or.....
Should i just go easy with my conscience?

I need to slow down

It has been quite a while since the last time i'm writting in this blog, i realized that i've tendency to switch from my multiply blog to blogspot, and vice versa, and end up having my posts scattered here and there. However, one thing i love about blogging in blogspot is that i have more privacy as not many of my friends/mates knew the existence of this blog. As such i am free to write whatever i want, without much of 'censoring' or re-editing to cater to the liking of some people, who always ever ready to back stab me using the words which i've vented unintentionally out of frustration and anger during the heat of the moment.

Anyway, life has been progressing so much since the past one year that sometimes i felt like i've been consumed alive by its fast pace; its like being sucked into a black hole not knowing where am i and what awaits infront of me. Pieces of incidents flying passed through my eyes in such a speed that its likes watching broken sections of an incomplete movie. Although i am the main actress, however i find it hard to relate nor to comprehend it in a meaningful manner. The sense of purpose is not obvious as it used to be, and sometimes i cant even digest and reflect whether the actions which i have taken are trully edifying to my personal development or its just a waste of time.

To be truth, its scary. Being attached to so many responsibilities, financial commitment; to be given the right to makes informed decision in life; to be given a higher position to command others; to be expected to master in juggling with so many roles (christian, leader, daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend etc.). ALL of these are new to me, its overwhelming (not in a positive context).

I am scared that i might lost the first love, the simple me who appreciates that life is beautiful, that i have so much to give and so much to experience more. And i miss myself who used to be able to connect to people in such an effortless and natural gesture; who used to sing her heart out and able to relate herself to a song easily; who used to have so many wild thoughts and brave to put it into actions; who used to be able to paint out a picture of myself in future with such a clear direction.

I know i need to slow down, not doing things to finish and rush to the next thing but to enjoy in doing it in the first place. I dont want to end up like a hamster running on a treadmill, racing frantically towards the time, knowing it will lead to nowhere, accept round and round.

I need to slow down....