current mood: turbulent and confused
song currently playing: DJ Tiesto "Close to you"
My friend always tell me that i am a paradox and a confused person,"giftpid", that was what they call me, cuz according to them, i am a gifted and a stupid person at the same time.
Well, i have no words to defend myself, cuz i am a PARADOX. Some said that i'm good in leadership, but some say that they choose me to become a leader because its easier for them to tolerate my way instead for me to tolerate their way; Some say that i am confident, but at times i feel like wanna hide in the closet cuz' i have no faith and guts to face the cruel world outside; Some say that i am affable and easy to socialize with, but some people think that i am an introvert that always keep all the thoughts to my own.
i think i'm charged with guilty and should be subjected to penalty of life long prison. i know that i am good at remembering facts and doing exam, but i am sucks in anything to do with figures like remember phone numbers; i am sensitive with what others had done wrong, but i often blindfolded by my own wrongs and takes others for granted; i always console others and tell them dont think too much,just stay happy, but actually i find it's extremely difficult to stay happy all the time and i frequently struggling and torturing myself with nonsense thinking that does no use except kills my brain cells.
Lately, i just discovered another bad bad character of mine.(when i say bad, i do mean its BAD) i always felt empty and lonely when i supposed to feel happy and satisfied. Everytime when i seems to very much enjoy the happy moments, like hanging out with friends, celebrating my birthday etc, then out from no where, the question "is this happiness real?" will certainly popped up in my head and instantly the next thought that comes into my mind will be, "this is way too much, i dont deserve this."
CP noticed that i always suddenly going silence or hold back myself at unexpected moments. My ex told me that i'm phobic to commitment. i always try to define what are the restraining force that prevent me from enjoying those happy moments and events to fullness, I know its just something called as character whereby people deal things in their own way, but where did this attitude came from? i'm an insecure person that live in a secure surrounding, what a paradox. i have a loving family, a caring bf and lots of friends, i got the opportunity of studying at overseas and might as well have a bright future ahead, but why did i still feel that there is something wrong when everything is right?
"i was incredibly moved,
maybe a little frightened by the depth of the emotion...."
~Todd Herzog, Walking across Walden
I see the glimpse of the answer when i first read through the line. at times, i'm just frightened by the depth of the emotion that i felt. its pretty amazing that there seems to be no limit to how much human can feel, how happy a person can be? extremely happy? exhilaratingly happy? so damn happy? well, its funny to confine the happiness into words, cuz its simply undescribable. I think i have limited emotion state, which cannot sustain too much happiness i guess. when the feeling went overboard, my heart will subconsciously shut the door and make me feel no more.
i wish i can be more happy, but my heart tell me not to do so, paradox.
2 comments:
It sounds like symptoms of being afraid of getting hurt. Perhaps past experiences has scarred your subconcious, and made you more defensive of yourself.
Im a self prescribed psychologist, hehe... so heed with caution. You could try hanging out with very close and trustable friends, those who knows you inside out. And from there, get used to being extremely happy, sad, tired, satisfied, bitter, etc etc... when you know that you can feel "normally" again, thats when you're cured from emotional paradoxia.
As Tiesto puts the words in his epic Close to You.
"Do you believe there is a limit to how fast a man can run?"
The mind is more powerful than a thousand men with brute force combined. If you believe that you cannot be happy, then rest assured, you will not be happy.
Who am i to tell you what to believe in when i myself feel excatly the same way you do?
But someone once told me this. Someone very dear to you.
He said, "if you cannot be happy with what you have, then you can never be satisfied with yourself, for as long as youre aliver"
I try hard to hold on to that. Goodluck trying to find yourself in the unknowing abyss, Susan.
Joe
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