Good bye UK

30th December 2006. 8:35 pm.
Thats the exact time when i first set my feet on a middle east deserted place called Doha. i knew nothing about this city except the fact that it is transiting me back to my home, Malaysia.

yes, i am coming back home. after one and a half year of wandering in the foreign lands, finally i am coming back home.

As i sat on the comfy seat on the airbus, suddenly i just have that de ja vu kind of feeling. Everything just felt so familiar, the anticipation, the eagerness of getting to the destination, its almost felt like i was in that same seat of MAS airbus when i first fly to UK. How fast the time passes, and yet how many things that happens in just 365+1/2(365) days. if i am closing my eyes now, i can still hear the sounds of the pipe organ of the graduation ceremony a few months ago, i can still smell the rich aroma of the pine trees in the summer, i can still felt the chill when the first snow flakes kissing my nose..... This is life, pieces of my life that makes the person i am now.

Am i the same little girl before i fly alone to the other side of the globe? external appearance maybe, but inside, there is something that is changing. something that made me not the same person as i used to be. The perception towards life, the feelings i have towards some people whom i thought initially were just some pass-byers in my life journey, the picture of my dreams which was so vague a year ago.... and that something was even blossoming in my heart now, at this moment, as i typing it down into words.

a part of me mourned that this part of life in UK is reaching the end now. but another part of me rejoicing cuz i had gained so much and i am prepared to start a new chapter in my life now, and this time the difference is i have my love ones standing right beside me as i continue to walk down this road.

'you will never walk alone'. thats what Liverpool whispered softly in my ears as i am taking the first step walking out of the end.

Pre-christmas in France

Tomorrow, exactly this time, this moment... i will flying across the britain mainland to...... PARIS, Yuhuuuuuuu!

this is my long-waited tour, i'm extremely excited about it. Paris the city that never sleep, Paris the city of glamour, Paris the city of designers and fashion...... This is THE PARIS that i am talking about here. Gosh, writing about it already makes my adrenaline runs wild, imagine when i am really there......imagine when i step on the same solid ground of the birth place of Vincent Van Gogh. Imagine the feelings of being in those incredible and historical buildings such as Louvre, Eiffel tower, Notre dame, Arc de Triomphe, moulin rouge....

One thing for sure, i will enjoy myself to fullest when i am there.

The highland tour 2

The highland trip wouldn’t be perfect without the visit to the lochs. ‘Loch’ is another term for lakes in Scotland. Well, instead of went to the Famous Loch Ness, the lake which the myth of bizarre sea creature took place, we went to another Loch, known as Loch Lamond. The lake is so wide that without viewing from the top of the mountain, you might mistook it as the shore which open to the sea. We took some marvelous pictures on the top of the hill with the loch down below our feet.

We were so absorbed in the stunning scenery and as if it’s not exciting enough, we actually end up……… lost in the wood. There was no ending to the jungle treks and we have no choice but to keep walking the trail until it leads us to some river banks, and eventually to the main road. Luckily Mr Tour Guide did came back and searched for us and he claimed that he will never leave the ladies behind. Gosh, what an exciting incident.

The last stop was the Glengoyne whisky distillery. It is one of the oldest working distilleries in Scotland. First, we attended a short video tour which briefly explained the history of the Glengoyne whisky factory while we were treated with a shot of single highland malt Scotch whisky. It amazed me that this ‘awful’ spirited tasted drink actually made up of just water, barley and yeast. Next, we went around the factory to view their massive fermentation tanks and distillation equipment, although it wasn’t really that interesting but it was indeed informative.

By the way the guy with its back shown to the camera in the picture is none other than our Mr tour guide.

Well, that marked the end of our highland trip, but before we left, we took a nice group picture with the rest of the team members. Although there arent that much of interaction among the group members due to the language barrier (most of them were from Europe countries), but they are certainly very friendly and all of us enjoyed ourselves to the fullest.

The highland tour 1

It was the highland tour that gave us the chance to experience the Scotland’s historical story to the full. On the second day of our trip, we had decided to go for a 1 day highland tour for the price of ++£20 per person. The highland tour covered the famous Stirling castle, Loch Lamond and Glangoyne Scots whisky distillery.

Throughout the highland tour, we were entertained by the tour guide. He is a young Scottish lad, with shoulder-long hair and great humor. We heard the stories about William Wallace immortalized in the film ‘Braveheart’, but the true story behind the freedom fighter was actually related to the legendary Robin Hood. Mr tour guide talked with such a zest and enthusiasm that it makes my adrenaline run wild while listen to the brave stories of the freedom fighters such as William Wallace and Robert the Bruce.

Mr Tour guide claimed that there are 3 things that must be done during the scotland visit. First, eat their famous local delicacies, Haggis (shown in the picture beside which taken from wikipedia). When i first know what it really was, it makes me felt like puking. Basically, it is made with ingredients such as sheep's 'pluck' (heart, liver, and lungs), minced with spices, and traditionally boiled in the animal's stomach. We even found some weird looking haggis keychain which looks like a pouch (Intestine), yucks!!! According to the history, the scottish do in such a way as the ingrediants which is conviniently packaged in a sheep's stomach allowing for easy transportation and last long during the journey.Well, i wasnt sure how it actually tasted cuz i only have a small bite, but Jiavern should know better than me as she finish the whole portion.

The second thing to do during the Scotland trip is to drink their very own scotch whisky while shouted 'Slaintemhath’. For Chinese, we might be familiar with ‘YUM SENGGGGG’ during the drinking session in those boring wedding reception dinner. English might be familiar with ‘cheers’, But for Scottish, they have a unique gealic term-‘Slaintemhath’ which means Good health.

And the last but not list, is to give a kiss to the Mr Tour guide. what a cheeky tour guide we had. (^.^)

On our way we passed by the Linlithgow palace where Mary the Scots was born. According to Mr tour guide, the story of Mary the Scots was the saddest in the history of scotland. She was one of the most fascinating and controversial monarchs of 16th century Europe. She lacked the political skills to rule successfully in Scotland which was mainly due to her bizzare love relationship. Her second and third marriage was unpopular and ended in murder and scandal. She fled to England in 1568, hoping for the help of her cousin, Elizabeth I, the famous English queen. However, the English queen, who feared Catholic plotting on Mary's behalf, and she end up imprisoned for the next nineteen years. She was executed in 1587, only 44 years old, by orders of the English government. However, the most interesting fact is that in 1603, upon Elizabeth's death, Mary's son became king of England as James I as he the only heir that left in the royal family.

It really made me amazed that what kind of story that hidden behind those solid, massive walls of the castle. Imagine centuries ago, how the blood had sheered and all these exciting historical story we hear today really happened. The realization moved me in an undescribable way.

Stirling Castle was said to be the grandest of all Scottish castle. Instead of going in for a rush visit inside the castle, we decided to spent the time wandering around and admire the scenery from the esplanade. The scenery from above was simply stunning. The hills and the sky were like inches away, and it feels like I never been so close to the nature before.

After that, we stopped for lunch at one small café, that’s when we have the chance to see the most amazing creature in the whole world. Hemish- the highland cow. I bought a pack of vegetables which consist of some carrots and potatoes to feed the creature. The massively big creature was surprisingly very tame and friendly. He even licked my palm and leave me a handful of saliva as the welcoming present.

To be continue....

the first step

I guess the experience of the first step is always unforgettable. I came to realized later that never again, at any other point in the same journey, I will have this much to gain. Its natural for one to feel vulnerable when just starting out on a new journey, especially when there weren't that much of experience and preparation before hand. In fact, I’m only able to sleep for 4 hours the day before the travel and I wasn’t really sure that if I had brought all the travel accessories and enough clothes. However, travel with housemates somehow makes me felt more secure I think.

Furthermore, Scotland was a ‘safe’ target to start with, the Scotts speak the same language (although they do speak an ancient language called Gaelic), eat the same English-like food (bread and steak, what else?) and using the same currency, so there are less possibilities of the occurrence of the ‘unexpected incident’. After all, it may seem that I don’t have much to lose as well, sometimes the unexpected can even adds excitement to the trip, a serendipity perhaps.

5/10 morning. The trip started with the 90 mins train travel from Newcastle to Edinburgh, Scotland. The scenery along the journey was absolutely stunning, with the wide open fields, edgy cliffs and seashore. After we stepped out from the station, the first scenery came into my view is some big department stores and elegant building, well typical city view, that was my first impression. However, the BIG surprise came when i turned around, the opposite side is a massively packed old town, with the castle standing proud over the hills. i cant suppressed the adrenaline running through my veins and the excitment that treatening to jump out from my chest. awestruck i am.


It was later that i finally understand that Edinburgh city is divided into two parts, new town and old town, connected by a few bridges. The one that i am standing on is called the waverley bridge. Edinburgh's elegant Georgian New town is in stark contrast to the compact, narrow closes of the old town. Personally, i think the old town is more beautiful than the new town as it preserve the original scent of the Scotland.

The first destination was our hostel- caledonian backpackers. it was really cheap with only £8 for b&b per night. The hostel itself was a Georgian style building beside the corner of the busy edinburgh street. This hostel is probably tries hard to maintain its ethnicity and character as there are some odd, gothic painting all around the walls of the building. Our excitement was washed away by horror when we see some guys sitting inside the dorm, it was then struck us hard that the dorm that we booked is actually a mixed dorm. i wasn't totally satisfied with such arrangement but i have no one to blame but myself, well, i guess if you don't mind sharing a room with some foreign people from all over the world then it do has a communal-like atmosphere with colorful cultural diversities (yeah, i am comforting myself).

To be continue.........

The beginning of the end

I decided to write in multiply again. Something on the days of the remaining three months of my stay in UK. I knew that i have limited time left in UK, and all i can do is to explore as much as i can and write it down when it still freshly lingering in my mind. i know i will never come back again, as a tourist maybe, but it will never be the same. so here you go, this is the beginning of a series of the end.

Before i started my series of blogs on the scotland trip, just wanna spill out some of my current feelings and the whole after-trip dilemma. i always have a deja vu kind of feeling after an intense trip, i may looked a bit spaced out for a while due to the saturation of my senses, well, its just me i guess.

i'm gonna write the blogs slowly, no rush cuz i hope to recollect every little piece of memories i had, every scent that i absorbed and every sight that i saw during that 4 days scotland trip.

Back to my after-trip dilemma, i wasnt aware that the whole UK is turning into the season of fall now, the fact that i'm living in north west means that for the most part-i dont get that season that early, compared to Scotland or south of United Kingdom. The night i reached in Liverpool after the 4 days trip, the sky was all misty and the weather hard turn numbingly cold. yeah i do miss the autumn red leaves and the chill in the air dearly. I guess the weather too, had some ripple effect on the weird mood i have now. i'm not sure whether this emotion is good or bad, but it had sure influenced me in a certain ways. i will reveal them slowly in subsequent blogs.

Some feelings last for eternity. The reason eternity is so hard to grasp is because we try to understand it in terms of time. However, when the feelings remain vivid and endures a life time in your memory box, it is eternity.

Hence, this after-trip-feeling-blog is the introduction of my scottish experience. It is the beginning of my travel diary, ironically only written after the end of the trip.

The feelings of the after-trip can all be summarized in just one picture.

5 CommentsChronological Reverse Threaded

delete reply lyonlionel wrote on Oct 9, '06 Sometimes memories are just all that we have to hold onto. I feel you.

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Oct 10, '06 and you know what, memories last longer than the reality.

delete reply lyonlionel wrote on Oct 10, '06 and yet it's the most painful

delete reply ahlok2003 wrote on Oct 10, '06 every story has to come to an end; the new chaptrer is waited for explore again...i feel it all the times.

delete reply eugenetwj wrote on Oct 11, '06 There are happy memories too, but its usually hard to let go as well

Boring???

Finish my 100++ pages thesis.

Housemates got drunk.

me going to Scotland.

life aint so boring after all.

why i miss kokkers so much

Life has been in a serious mode with endless works and thesis writing. A short chat with anthon reminds me of how crappy i can be. miss the crappy me.

>Counte®-Bay< says:
we can do lotsa catching up when you come back
>Counte®-Bay< says:
can go genting drink shitty vodka again
atlantisian says:
-_-'''
atlantisian says:
and lose my self to another guy
atlantisian says:
no thanks
atlantisian says:
i think its a curse
>Counte®-Bay< says:
??
atlantisian says:
the first time i get drunk. the first arm i grab become my bf.
>Counte®-Bay< says:
LOL
>Counte®-Bay< says:
not curse la
>Counte®-Bay< says:
a blessing
>Counte®-Bay< says:
mahai i still remember peter
>Counte®-Bay< says:
pau my jacket left me in the cold
>Counte®-Bay< says:
and giv u
>Counte®-Bay< says:
basketball he
atlantisian says:
hahahaha
>Counte®-Bay< says:
nah nv la
>Counte®-Bay< says:
a few hours in the cold
>Counte®-Bay< says:
brought out much warmth in another persons life
>Counte®-Bay< says:
i think its worth it
>Counte®-Bay< says:
perhaps i shall rent jackets in genting
atlantisian says:
the love jacket or something
>Counte®-Bay< says:
heheheh
>Counte®-Bay< says:
big enuf 4 2 ppl
>Counte®-Bay< says:
and the the emblem at the back
>Counte®-Bay< says:
i would put a green jambu as the logo
>Counte®-Bay< says:
cool
atlantisian says:
-_-''' okok, fong ur IT job
atlantisian says:
open the love jacket business in genting
atlantisian says:
i will advertise for you free through blogs
atlantisian says:
'find your true love with love jacket'
atlantisian says:
lol
>Counte®-Bay< says:
cold on the out, hot in the in
To not wear it would be a sin
So , come and get 1
come on in!
atlantisian says:
so fast got so many motto/ logo already
atlantisian says:
anthon, sinful wei to waste the idea
>Counte®-Bay< says:
mabye i can make a quick buck then cannot ler
>Counte®-Bay< says:
dowan ler depressing to do that bvusiness
>Counte®-Bay< says:
see so many couples
>Counte®-Bay< says:
after they say , u sell so many love jacket
>Counte®-Bay< says:
but u yourself no love life
>Counte®-Bay< says:
there goes my business
atlantisian says:
hehehe, well, you see
atlantisian says:
you have brought so many couple together through your love jacket
atlantisian says:
you can become cupid wei
atlantisian says:
never mind, God see you so nice, will prepare a cuped for you
atlantisian says:
cuped--> female cupid
>Counte®-Bay< says:
lol
>Counte®-Bay< says:
cuped
>Counte®-Bay< says:
crap
.....


thats why i miss the crappy msn chat so much.

Things i miss the most

i can't remember when is the last time i have a decent laughs with someone. Decent in a sense that its the kind of smile which bring out the the inner child. the kind of smile when you see a children giggles gleefully and innocently.

The smile i miss the most is the smile that glowed on your face everytime you see me from afar.

i miss the serenity of the state of my mind. last thursday during my bible study class, a question was raised. what is the true riches? i remember a guy from cyprus, saying its the contentment, the state of mind which makes you feel contented, its not happiness though, its more or less a feeling of gratitude. i cant agreed more, why would i asked for more when i already have the best?

The serenity i miss the most is simply the content tranquility of the night with you sitting beside me.

i miss the fragrance of the spicy and aromaticity of Malaysia local dish. The smell that makes my salivary gland go hyper and my stomack growls. The simple pleasure of enjoying a good meal and not just eating to stuff the hunger.

However, the food i miss the most is the food i shared with you.

i miss your presence in my life,
i miss the song that you hummed when you are bored,
i miss the stillness in the air when you look into my eyes,
i miss the shirt which has your smell on it.

i miss you.

'Kepo'ism

Nowadays, 'Kepo'ism has became a culture, especially in the chinese community. Not sure whether this is an evolutionary trend or not, cuz 'kepo'ing other's business had became an interaction pattern among any peers group, from the youngsters to 70 years old ah ma. In order to gain acceptance in the group, a person simply have to adapt and pick up the kepo attitude. The one who kepo the most will outbeat all others and survive in these kepo age and hence this proved Darwin 'the fittest will survive' theory.

Ok, thats all crap. But seriously, this blog isn't meant to critisize anyone, in fact the subject of this blog is me myself, and the person i'm kepo about is the famous blogger Kenny Sia. I was first introduced to www.kennysia.com by Peter. He emphasized greatly on the fact that he is a SARWAKIEN. and i was thinking, hmmm.... not bad, someone from Sarawak finally make his way to the blogger stardom, Sarawak Boleh!! However, i was a bit disspointed when i first visited his site, the layout was quite ok, nothing special, the blogger quite ok, cute and chubby (no offence, i like chubby guy, my bf used to be chubby boy too), the content quite ok, funny and talks a lot about Sarawak. Well, at least, no vulgarity, thumbs up! Vulgarity is such a corrupted and shallow way used by the youngsters nowadays to express themself in the blogs, its a shame really.

Days passed by, to my own surprise, i was hooked. (*HOOKED* means that i become a constant visitor of his site, not with the person himself). I enjoyed the great depth of humor and creative in his words, and as a blogger my self, i recognize the heart and sweat a person pours into words when i read one.

So come back to the kepo thing, One day, (God know why) the kepo bug had tempted me to look back at Kenny Sia's old entries in his blog. Surprise, surprise, surprise, i was deeply touched by the sentimental side of him under the camouflage skin of his humorous blogs. Those reflection and memories from Perth really make me nearly shed a tear. Hence, without hesitation, i wrote an email and asking him for password to read some of his password restricted entries.

So here i am now, a victim of the keposim culture, not sure why, The personal stories of other people is always intriguing and mysterious. i guess curiosity indeed kills the cat.

NEW project

Yes, i am having a new project, but thank God, for the first time, the project is not the usual laboratory academic style project that i am having all these while. it might be educative, informative and hmmm.... it does have some entertainment value as well.

*drumroll*

*deep breath*

i am having a food review blog with my dearest buu!

*wuahahaha*
ehem, sorry for the not so gracious laugh, but finally, our first baby blog was born. Have been planning for a while now, but never put into real action. Both of us have the same crave and appetite for food. In fact, our usual date always end up with bloated stoamch. Buu used to be a cute chubby fat boy during his puberty days, However, he had put a lot of effort and thousand hours of jogging to get to his current shape, *see, not only gals wanna stay pretty and thin*. i do worried that i might cause all his effort going down the drain, BUT amazingly, he still able to stay fit with our constant 'grandous' dining out, thanks to thousands hours more of jogging.

Thank God that I have the advantage of not easily get fat. Eat thousands calories of pork fat and yet it didnt turns into lipid. thats why i must have this food blog project with buu, so that i can eat more and blog more to ensure that this heavenly gift does not wasted.


*Gosh, i do look like a profesional food taster right?*

cant wait for the entry of the first post. OH, by the way the link is alimento.wordpress.com.

Alimento para todos!!

silent

Speechless, thats the constant feeling i had, not sure whether it is a state of mind or an action to be exact, but it serve me well, i found the ease and peace when my world went silent. i felt more comfortable when i dont have to talk in order to fill the lag in the air. Silent and speechless, a familiarity, a constant friend of mine.

And to be truth it works fine with my way of living all these while. when i feel like words is nothing but disturbance, i stayed silent. When i was surrounded by the noisy crowd, i will screen off the conversation, and only listen to the faint music from the background.
have you ever had to hide your silence?
have you ever had to say something to camouflaged the silent you felt inside?
have you ever sigh when you have nothing to say and yet people expecting some words from you?

Being silence usually relates me to being an introvert. it is not neccessary in that way though. However, IF i am an introvert, i wished to be a quiet introvert anyway.

i feel like silence, but never silence enough.

Final days with scott and Craig

Just ended both of my tuition with Craig and Scott last week, felt so touched and contented. i'm not boosting in saying that i felt proud of myself for able to acomplish my resposibility as a home tutor. Seeing them finishing their last examination and now heading towards Oxford and Liverpool University, i just felt so contented. Being a tutor to two 18 years old English boys was my greatest achievement for 2006, its even more meaningful than me getting a distinction for Msc. They are the best students that a teacher can ask for, and i'm trully flattered and thankful that God led me to meet all the nice people in UK.


me with scott

The gift that he gave me-£20 waterstone voucher

me with craigeeee, thats what his mom called him, damn cute.

The thank you card he gave me, sweet and simple.

Life is great, isnt it?

homeless

House hunting now.

being shooed out by the landlord due to the fact that he morgaged the house. To be truth, i dunno whether this is a good news or a bad news, being kicked out when there is still 4 months left for my acedemic semester, yeah, homeless i am *sob*. However, when i think about the fact that finally i'm able to quit living in kensington, i am somewhat happy.

Kensington is a hell like place to live. The street is full of rubbish, youngsters loitering around, cursing you with lame chinese words they picked up from jacky chan movie, mother yelling outside the house to the children on the second floor... in fact, me and the gals get thrown by eggs last time, not sure whether it stinks or not cuz we fast enough to avoid it.

There was one incident happened a few weeks before in the kensington area which left a bitter scar deep down in my heart. It was 5 o clock in the morning, the street was chilling cold as the rain poured crazily, and i was waiting at the bustop hooded by only a poor umbrella when a girl came and approached me. she is around 17 or 18 and looks mentally retarded. she spoke to me with a language which sounded alien to me, and all i can see was the rain dripping from her messy red hair, and the bottle of alcohol hid in her coat pocket.

'They thrown me out of the house.'

she kept repeating that, with a sad tone as her tears fell down from her eyes.

i was stunned, too stone to think of any response, and when bus came, she followed silently behind me to board the bus. The bus driver was kind enough for not asking any bus fare from her. she continued to mumble and shaking badly, and my heart was in all mess, i dunno what to do at all.

when the bus reached city centre, i told her to stay on the bus, cuz it was still raining heavily and there will be no shop opened at 5 am. she looked at me with a blank expression and i really dunno whether she understood me or not. As i went down the bus, i have to bid back my tears threaten to fall, i hate myself for not able to do anything to help her but watching her went far and far away taken by the bus to the no destiny. Silently, in my heart, i prayed to The almighty to look after the small girl.

Living in such a distorted place makes me realized a hard and cold truth. its a cruel world.

My spiritual journey

Congrates CS for joining the body of christ!


Me and the girls went to witness CS baptism in Citychurch last Sunday, we supposed to send our blessing to her on her baptism but instead, we went back home with a heart felt so blessed. i was moved by the testimony of the 4 baby christians that get baptised along with CS that day. i can see the joyfulness that flickering in their eyes and the contagious smile radiance across the miles when they shared in front of the congression how jesus changed their lives. I felt very very honored, for witnessing a holy convenent being made, between the heavenly Father Himself and the people who willing to follow Him.

I never have an exact spiritual birthday like other christians. I did baptized, but with no self conscious nor free will, as i'm baptized at the age of 1. Baptism supposingly is a symbol of spiritual reborn and signify the starting of the christian journey. However those important stage remained missing from my christian life.

Speaking from my own experience, being raised in a christian family or being a life long christian is not a pure bliss as other people might have thought so. in fact it was full of struggling and self-denial. Since i was young, i knew that my life is not belong to myself, and its in The Almighty hand. It was christianity teaching and God's words which had shaped me to the person i am today. with the endless of christian must-do list and not-to-do list, i have ignored my own desires and my thoughts. there is no transformation, no changing of heart i experienced as i lived a perfect christian-like life for 18 years of my life.

I was hemmed in by 4 walls of church, i was very safe, however i still felt that i might fall over the edge. i have all sorts of thoughts scrambled in my minds during that time, what if we live in a flat world rather than a sphere world so that just the thing that seemed so far away were, in fact just on other side? what if on the other side of rules and regulation was possibilities, what if the other side of believe is naive? i felt that i would fall over the edge of the world easily, once i leave the protective wall of the church, and my family.

I never knew that it will screw myself that much until i saw the image of the distorted me shadowed on my closest person-my younger brother. Anxiety had churned him inside out and he suffered insomnia and strung nerve all the time. my heart was torn badly for him and until it came to an extent that i cant differentiate the fact that am i grieved for him or myself.

on that stage, the truth striked me hard on the face, who is God and what He has to do with my life? why am i live for someone that i claimed is my savior yet i never experienced his grace on me before? everyday i felt like losing myself as i was shaped into a perfect christian mold. And at that moment of time i went to attend a christian retreat camp, for a week i was isolated from the hustle and bustle of the city. I reflected on the past 18 years on my life and cried to the Lord to reveal himself to me as i'm in the verge of giving up.

The last day of the camp is the start of the my spiritual journey, I received the gift of holy spirit and was reborn. The love of God touched me so much and i was cried like a baby in front of the Reverent. Words can merely explained what i felt and even now i still felt speechless, stand in awe i am, everytime i'm in the midst of the presence of the Lord.

i didnt lose myself and my identity when i became a christian, in fact HE has found me and i was bestowed with another name beside Susan. the one full of blesses, which exactly what's my name-Susan means.

indeed, i'm blessed.

resolved

Happy birthdy to you. May 5, '06 10:57 AM
Happy birthday.

It has been ages since i talked to you. this is not a carefree action or something that i do spontaneously. i have been thinking of email you for ages, yet it seems like i'm seriously lack of courage.

well, its has been years since the whole incident happened, no point in keep dragging it for another 4-5 years. I heard that you will be going back to Malaysia soon. well, just dun want to lose the chance to resolved this matter with you when we still can. wanna say 'i'm sorry' for every incosiderate things that i've done when we are still together. i always treasure you as a good friend, and the hurts that we went through was regrettable but unavoidable.

i dunno whether we will still have chance to become friends again or not, with time and distance between us, with so many empty years that missing between us after the breakup. well, i just let Our heavenly father decide it all. see hows He lead us. But just wanna let you know that i'm greatful for the times we once had together, and it shall remains secure in my memory box.

all the best my friend. wherever you go, may good shower you with blessing and endless love. again, happy birthday.

ming.

yeuking wrote today at 11:25 AM
Thanks for your blessing... I'm really good... Can heard from you is my great great present on this year.


something i should do ages ago, say sorry to my ex. and yes, after 4 years of seperation, i finally able to do so.

*feel proud of myself*

now i'm finally free from my past. i always blamed myself for not being a good girlfriend and i hated him cuz he made me became that not-a-good-girlfriend. after the harsh breakup, the days passed by dreadfully, and i started to ask myself, why on earth i have to carry those hurtful accusation with me, those words that cut me so deep over the years. and yeah, i tried my best to forget about it, but running away is never a solution to a problem.

*phew*

knowing that it hold no power to me anymore just makes me felt free. i'm relieved, its all past tense now and i have a better life to look ahead to, with someone that loves me and appreciates me.

*felt contented*

The nottingham trip 2

Went to meet an old friend, Daniel last week in Nottingham. He is a friend that i'm quite close to, sometimes... and sometimes not. we were in different groups during our college years, we have totally different interests and characters (well, mostly because he is a bit 'soft' externally). Two complate strangers but have our life intersect due to the fact that both of us originate from the cat city, Kuching. i still remembered the endless long talks we had in the KLIA airport while waiting in the queque to squeeze our butt into any available seats for MAS flight to Sarawak. well, its all history now as airasia bloody cheap ticket came to save the day.

We spent quite a few sunset together watching aeroplane flew and landed, the nicest environment to have decent conversation and for friendship to bloom. and yet we remain as flight mate for the four years of our college days. I guess some friends are meant for the 'moment' and not always.

come back to my story, The nottingham trip was alright, went to the nottingham castle, saw the Robinhood statue, wondering around the city centre. The most interesting part is the visit to the Nottingham university. With the lake and swams swimming gracefully, the greenest and widest fields, rows and rows of cherry blossoms, nice hostel, the university looks like a holiday resort than a place to study.

we have a nice double scoop ice cream while watching the ducks diving into the water showing their butt to us. walking through fields and fields watching couples laying on the grass sunbathing and hot blokes playing footballs. Gosh, it reminded me of the Beverly Hills 90210, feels like the heavenly university life. And of course we have lots and lots of picture taken.

The whole trip was in a rush though, cuz we have to catch the train back to liverpool at 6pm. That night, when i looked through the photos taken during the trip, warm feelings blossomed inside of me. We were smiling so happily in the picture, just like the good old days when we were still in college. i like to believe that the me on that day were frozen in time forever when the photos was snapped. Apart of me will always remained in that moment of time. The smile that we had will last for eternity in that picture.

Nottingham trip

having a day trip to Nottingham last wednesday. the detail will be in the next blog. here are some of the pictures.


the four girls

with the tour guide, Daniel

i like this picture the most....

devastation

It was sad sad day, the rain poured crazily from the sky, so as my heart.

Saturday dawn
I woke up with cold sweat after a bad dream in the middle of the night. Had a bad, bad feeling. I wished to call you during that time. However my impromptu act was called to a halt when sensibility strikes me. What for I’m bothering you with such a tiny winy matter. Hence, I went back to sleep.

It was 530am when I first called you on early Saturday morning. The calling tone dies in silence, it went countless times until I started to felt frustrated. I remembered last night that you told me you left the charger in office, I make a very bad assumption that your phone run out of batteries. Hence I tried your house phone number, the silence is deepening. I went through a very lonely and quiet Saturday early work without your usual morning and I love you greeting.

Reach home at 930am after work, still cant get you through the line. Lose all the patience by that time. Telling myself that even if you called, I will tell you that I’m too busy to talk with you now cuz I have to revise. A lousy excuse, another pathetic women egoism. 1030am, your-sorry-i-m-out-that-time call never came. I tried to call your home again. Still, silence prevailed. You have never been such inconsiderate before. Even if you are busy you will message me to call back later. I can analyzed my feelings no more, upset, worried, distracted.

1130am, I tried to call again, telling myself that this will be the last time I call you for the day. Still, no one pick up the phone, my mind drifted off, imagined kui kui and miko will be barking like crazy when the phone rang so frequently, but the hall will still be empty and silent. Started to wonder why your mom was never at home as well for the whole day. Doubts and worries continue to churn me, the words on the revision note looked alien to me. In the midst of the mixed feeling, my mind was busied thinking about all the ways to make you feel sorry when you called back later.

But your call never came.

12pm. An unfamiliar Malaysian phone number appeared on my phone screen. Its your brother, I felt more confused than surprise.

‘Peter met an accident’

My brain went blank, I experienced a momentary brain paralysis. The sentences echoed in my head.

Peter met an accident
Peter met an accident
Peter met an accident
Peter met an accident
Peter met an accident……

And then, my world went silence.
Devastatingly silence.

The egg breaking

need no further elaboration, the video itself says a thousand words.

my EGG

Craig gave me a pleasant surprise after the tuition class last monday.
'Susan, here's an easter present for you.' He said to me with a pretty-boy-shy-smile.
i went totally speechless watching the L-A-R-G-E purple egg he handed to me. *sob* i am very very touched indeed. Hugged and wished him and his mom happy easter day in advance and i went off to the train station with a heart blossomed with warmness.

*satisfaction sigh*

i'm not bluffing in saying that i had the best two students in the whole world. Craig is always the shy one, with the thick liverpoodian accent and typical english boy smile. He is one head taller than me and its quite hard to tell that he is only 16 from his matured outlook. Although he didnt talk too much but from the response i do feel that he understood what i am teaching. Ocassionally, he will asked some funny questions to me, like 'is this word mispelled?' lol. maybe he just wanna ask some questions to his chinese tutor and apparently thats the best question he can come out with.

Felt no regrets that i'm accepting the home tutor job in the first place and decided not to give up when i find its quite difficult for me to travel for an hour by train every week to go to his house, not to mention the amount of time and effort that i have to put in to prepare the notes for the tuition. Chemistry a level, it has been ages since i did chemistry module last time in my degree studies.

i will blogged about another student of mine, scott (whom his parents owns a massive 4 floor banglo and 5-6 cars) next time.

david gray 'babylon'

remember listening to this song ages ago, but i can never understand the true meaning of the lyrics. well, according to bible, babylon is the most civilised city with the finest education during ancient time, ironically was ruined by God due to the same reason, intelligent leads to proud, proud leads to ignorant, ignorant leads to destruction.

anyway, i still cant find the connection between Babylon and the description of a man which desire for love as described in the lyrics. But still, i like the verse 'Let go of your heart, let go of your head, and feel it now'. Too much of rationality and emotional sometimes is a barrier of love. love now, by instict, no hesitation!

Artist: David Gray
"Babylon"

Friday night I'm going nowhere
All the lights are changing green to red
Turning over TV stations
Situations running through my head
Well looking back through time
You know it's clear that I've been blind
I've been a fool
To ever open up my heart
To all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule

Saturday I'm running wild
And all the lights are changing red to green
Moving through the crowd I'm pushing
Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream
Only wish that you were here
You know I'm seeing it so clear
I've been afraid
To tell you how I really feel
Admit to some of those bad mistakes I've made

If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now

Babylon, Babylon

Sunday all the lights of London
Shining , Sky is fading red to blue
I'm kicking through the Autumn leaves
And wondering where it is you might be going to
Turning back for home
You know I'm feeling so alone
I can't believe
Climbing on the stair
I turn around to see you smiling there
In front of me

If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now

Babylon, Babylon, Babylon

content part 2

'I may have looked lonely, but I never felt insignificant or alone. Sometimes letting my mind wander and I was suddenly glad it was just me. I'm very rarely alone in the sense that another person's physical presence is usually with me. Then again, sometimes no matter where I go or who I'm with, I'm alone. I can be in a room with a hundred people and still I'm completely alone."
~I felt alive, Jan 22, '05 3:01 PM, atlantisian@mutiply.com

that's what i wrote a year ago in my first blog, when i looked at the verse today, i still find the contented feeling within me when i am alone, yeah, the solitude, the loneliness still moved me the same way as a year before. I think living in UK for a year didnt really change me much then.

Most of the people measure the sparks and glorious moments in their life with excitement and extreme experiences. For me, the most contented moments in my life are the most typical incidents that happens in daily life.

This morning at 5.58am, while walking down the usual route to M&S, the familiar street that i walked countless times everyday looked alien to me. i guess the texture of night can create an alien landscape, even though you might be in places that are familiar and comfortable during the daytime. And when i looked up the sky, i saw the most astonishing scenery, the moon started to streak as if she is going somewhere, while on the other side of the earth, the sun started to emerge from the horizontal line. I stood in awe, absorbed the sudden peaceful feelings blossomed inside of me, and i am content.

yeah, a new day had began.

content

Going through a bad bad week, the pressure from coming examination and massive workload just blown me off. suffocating.

Thinking of get rid of the music player from my blog, cuz everytime when i log into the page, the depressed music that i had uploaded just make me more tense than ever, lose all the appetitite to blog. i'm gonna take a leave from the world of pop or contemporary music for a while. In fact i'm having a good time listening to a very nice instrumental album at the moment. Laura Sullivan 'Hawaiian island'. A pianist and composer which has a very unique touch for new age music. nice. soothing.

anyway, was browse through some rare blogs today, taking a leave from those frequently-updated popular blogs as well. eg. xiaxue bimbo blogs and kenny sia blogs, yeah its bitchy, its entertaining, its humurous, it bring pleasure to my senses and yeah it even make me choke once in a while. but somehow i do think that their appearance glimmers much more than its subtance. its nice to read when its still fresh, but after awhile, like the after taste of drinking coke, bland sweet, it shucks.

talking about the rare blogs that i browse through, there is a verse from a not- really-a-friend's blog that moved me so much.

Was driving back on monday and suddenly decided to make a pit stop at Bukit G-Spot. The soft humming of the engine, the rustle of the leaves, the bright flickers of the city just out of reach, smoke swriling around my fingertips, the slow laboured inhalation/exhalation of smoke, the whipers of cars cutting thru the silent still air, and most important of all, the sweet sounds of Feist gently pouring out my speakers.

"I ain't no vision, I'm the girl
who loves you inside and out
Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out
I love no other way
What are we gonna do if we lose that fire?"

I think this is how infinite feels like. I may not have a pickup truck, a tunnel to zoom through, the silent vacuum right before the explosion of color and sound, but this is good enough for now and I am content[http://bending0ver.blogspot.com/]

The words just moved me, yeah, i miss the solitude, the content feeling. i miss the unstirred emotion, i miss the fact that i hear nothing from the crowd but the sounds of the wind blows softly beside my ears.

i miss just being i-am-alone.

chenaniah

The Christian life that I experienced in the Liverpool Christian disciple church is like an enthralling journey. 5 months… had made me realized that although I am a life long Christian, my knowledge towards the words of God was so scarce and vague, and yet I proclaimed that I knew exactly what bible is. The depth of the bible teaching that I had in this church overwhelms me, and I started to see the bible in a different and new angle.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I wished I could experience the spiritual joyfulness when I worshipping Him again. Of course the words of God are powerful and soul touching, but sometimes, I do need to feel the presence of the God. I want to dance and sing whole heartly when I worship Him, I want to cried and touched by Holy spirit during singspiration, and to be truth, I wished i could stand on the altar, leading the church to experience the spiritual revival through singspiration.

When challenged about the proper place for worship, Jesus replied that there was coming a time of new worship; and yet, that time is right now. What is this new worship? It's the worship where "the true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and truth" (John 4:23). Jesus makes His point even stronger by saying; "those who worship Him MUST worship in spirit and truth" (John 4:24).

Is our worship spiritual and true? We should note that the words worship and worth come from the same root meaning. Worship then becomes acknowledging God's worth by acknowledging who He truly is; "Your word is truth" (John 17:17). We only know who God is by how He has revealed Himself in His Word.

But worship is more than simply a mental exercise. Study is important, but only as a beginning not as an end. Worship is entering into the presence of God and being in love with Who He is, with the overflow of our heart; "In Your presence is fullness of joy" (Psalm 16:11). This is how we must worship (or it is not truly worship) - and this worship is not determined by location or time, but by the condition of our heart.
taken from God's daily word

I miss singing and dancing in the house of God.

The ODDS that makes me EVEN

Today is not a fine day for me.

first i got an ulser in my mouth, which sort of gave me a bulge at my lower jaw. i have no one to blame except myself, i'm having too much chocolate bars and chocolate drinks lately. Wait, i can blame the free hot drinks vent in Marks and Spencer staff cafeteria, its simply sinful to pass the thick, creamy, yummy chocolate drink without a sip!!

Secondly, i lost my marks and spencer swipe card today, i only discovered it when i reached library after the job. first i went panicked, how on earth i'm gonna enter marks and spencer tomorrow 6 in the morning??? then i went all the way back to the city centre to find the card, but to my dissapoinment, some old brats must have taken it when they saw the card lying on the road. so i went back to the management office of the M&S store and asking for the card to be replaced, and they charged me £2 for it!!!!! *sob sob* i can buy a subway marinated meatball sandwich with that amount of money.


my swipecard

thirdly, i sprained my fingers while swipping the floor today, i swear i didnt curse, but i knew my facial expression had betrayed me, Dork. i wonder would it leads to arthritis???

but i do get some great things happened as well...

firstly, i get my grant proposal done today. Professor Collin is quite satisfied with it and asking me to go ahead prepare for the presentation. yuhuuuuu! well, my research topic is the x ray crystallization of a non mammalian protein called retinol binding protein. i'm supposed to investigate on the ligand binding ability of the protein at low temperature. sounds dry right... well, thats what research work spell for: B-O-R-I-N-G.

secondly,i might be accepted for a ECG pyscology testing on next tuesday which entitled me a £10 amazon voucher in return, spledid! i'm planning to buy an mp3 player or a motorolla mobile phone with that. Finger cross.

thirdly, its stop snowing today!!! never thought that i will felt happy because of that, but the cold breeze and the wetness of the snow really pissed me off for the past two weeks. today, while bathing under the shower of the sunshine, GOsh... i'm just felt fresh, feeling rotten for the past two weeks.

i guess God is a fair God, He gaves me suffering (if what i encountered today is considered as suffering), He gaves me joyfulness, this is how He keep my feet on the ground.

a new insight i learnt today, He gives me ODDS to makes me EVEN.

The March snow

Never expect that it will still be snowing when the spring is just around the corner, in fact this is not the typical snow that we get during the winter. It poured like rain, along with the freezing cold wind that gives chill to the bone. Moreover, the snow flooded the whole street until you cant even see the boundaries between the street and the road clearly.

Actually a small incident happened on last heavy snowing Sunday, I’m risking my life tried to shoot some photo while nearly being blown away by the strong wind. I guess I’m too concentrated in snapping the picture while walking on the road, and suddenly I heard a loud hone from behind, and without realizing I was walking more and more towards the centre of the road…

This is how the road looks like…

My housemates will sure nagged me till i'm deaf for not being careful while walking on the road if they were with me during that moment. Anyway, thank God that I’m still able to breath soundly now…

Snowing is fun, but walking in the snow on 530 in the morning is a torture, it feels like skating on the ice, but certainly not in an enjoyable mood cuz the road was so slippery. You might get your head over the heels anytime (but not because of guys) if you are not careful. Sigh, when will the March snow melt?

Freezing CoLdddddd!!!


snow fight!

vanity

This is a neat piece of work, watching the animation just reminds me of how meaningless a life can be if we live a life only to complete the life cycle. We cant change the fact that death will be the end of the life journey, and the pathetic fact is that the world doesn't stop very long for grief, your love ones weep, curse, maybe they will pray.

and then they move along.

just like the picture that was shown in the animation. its cruel but its true that the time reserved for mourning lasts barely as long as a red light. whats the meaning of life then? to bear children so that they can mourn infront of your picture when you passed away? so that they will carry the mission to continue the life cycle?

"Vanity of vanities! All is vanity (futility)!'" says Solomon in Ecclesiastes.
I guess Solomon's picture of life's vistas is not uplifting. But it really makes me think, how futility our life can be. i had walked through 1/3 of my life journey, and yet i still felt like i was wondering around, thinking about the purpose of life most of the time.

i treasure those precious moment, in which i called that 'the time of my life', but are those moment able to fill the blanks of the meanings of my life? i guess i need much more than that. its human prime instict to seek for fulfillment in one's life.

To love and to be loved, thats remain my purpose and passion of life, But i knew for sure that i love, because God love me first.

The end

have you ever felt that you are completely devastatingly dissapointed by someone that holds a place in your heart?

everytime you told yourself, its only human that he felt and acted in that way, and everytime you told yourself to have more patience, and everytime you try to find a sensible excuse to make yourself believe that the person had a reason for acting that way, but again and again the person violated and stomped on your trust with no mercy.

'i dont trust that she is the one that can help me from drowing.'

initially, you felt shocked and disbelief. how can a dear friend of yours didnt have any trust in you at all. Then the evil one came and sowed the seed of distrust and suspiscious in your heart, you started to hold back your heart, you started to distant yourself, you started to talk less and without realizing, you become a total stranger to the person.

Once in a while, you felt guilty.

is it alright if i'm treating him like a total stranger? you keep asking yourself.

is this the end of the precious relationship that once i'm treasure so much? you keep asking yourself.

were did all those great times and tears we shared together dissapeared? you keep asking yourself.

yet, silence is the only answer that you get.

which can cuts the deepest?

The sarcastic grin that sends shivers to your spine?

The emotionless cold face that makes you wanna turn away?

That ain't called pain.

The cruel reality of the end of the friendship is something that hurts you so much that you wanna make the person feels that same intensity of pain too.

yeah, you are not a life savior, you cant help him from drowning. cuz you are just a friend.

But now, the friend is dead.

5 CommentsChronological Reverse Threaded

delete reply lyonlionel wrote on Jan 31, '06, edited on Jan 31, '06 It is one's choice to choose one's own path no matter how clear we can foresee what is to come and no matter how hard we rally to help. I'm sorry. Be well soon.

delete reply nightscamp wrote on Jan 31, '06 I know exactly how you feel Susan... My 'friend' put me through the same thing bringing me now facing the same decision, that it's best I walk away than drowning myself trying to save someone who doesn't believe and doesn't want to give me that chance to even save him. Instead he wants the person who drowned him in the first place. Our death is not worth holding on to strands of a friendship which no longer exists.

delete reply ahlok2003 wrote on Feb 2, '06 "have you ever felt that you are completely devastatingly dissapointed by someone that holds a place in your heart" yes. it hurt and forgive and forget.

delete reply eugenetwj wrote on Feb 2, '06 Whats going on? Im sure there are many ways to look at things. Cool down and think back. Is what happened worth ending a once valuable friendship? Really? Think of those times you had together, surely you know that person well enough to expect such a reaction. She must have her reasons, and you two must talk nicely before you can understand and end the friendship properly. Consider carefully. If you must take a step back then try to do it, its in your heart that you are humbler.

delete reply pohmui wrote on Feb 2, '06 Drowning? erm... he? she? I think both of you must have gotten some misunderstanding.. or maybe he or she doesn't mean that way? Let us calm down and step back to see the whole thing as one whole picture..

opportunist

'opportunist', thats what businessman called themself.

This morning, my business lecturer keep repeating the words until it makes me felt sick. He claimed that there were tons of opportunities or huge market for the survival and disaster planning, or self sufficiency products, as the extreme and bizzare winter in UK and the perceived threat from terorrist attack (eg. the 11/9, London bombing incidents) had created a 'survivalist' mentality in population. And as a true enterpreneur, this is a golden opportunity to make money!

Taking advantages of these disasters and sad happenings as an opportunity to get big pounds, how sickening is that! which reminded me of how much i dislike business. i knew the business itself is a neutral thing, but the way that some businessman over-emphasizing on the profit than the business ethics and integrity just makes me feel sad. The tactic that they use to lure and to manipulate the customer, the way that they perceived these sad happenings as a potential market and a source of innovation...

sigh....

living in this world is no longer like the cavemen world, what brings foward the existence of businessman? in fact its us, ourselves, cuz we need providers for the community. And to be truth, without customer, they wont even exist, hence we do need the businesman to ensure the continuity and the survival of human race. so should i blaming the businessman for taking advantages of every opportunity to earn profit for themselves??? Apparently, they did no wrongs in the eyes of the law. you cant get prosecuted for being selfish nor money minded. Being moral and yet profit minded at the same time, thats spells for I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E.

Hence, the perfect society remains an utopia.

pathetic. living in such a distorted world.

... yet unseen

Why do we close our eyes when we sleep? When we cry?
When we imagine? When we kiss?
This is because the most beautiful things in the world are unseen.

Showering in God's bless, how beautiful yet how easily we were blinded by it,
all the bliss and bless that we received everyday,
all the air that we breath in everyday,
all the colors that we see everyday,
all the people that we meet everyday,
its not just serendipity, its not just a sheer coincidence,
and its not just something we can take for granted.
its God's grace. so true yet unseen.

Dear heavenly father, open my eyes...
to see the beauty inside,
to see the bless in disguise,
to see the wounded soul beneath the smiley face,
to see the truth and rightenous in this sinful world.

and the most important of all,
to see love.

beauty versus pain

It is well accepted that in any kind of religions and believes, the existence of the positives always accompanied by the negatives, the yin and yang, God and demons, good and evil, life and death etc. The flowers will always bloom and wither, babies born and old man dies… cuz that’s the principle that guides the continuity of the harmony and even the survival of the universe. In fact, there will always be a mid point which will ensure that the balance between the positives and negatives is not overthrown.

However,
Is there really a balance in relationship?
Will a relationship last if the guy loves the gal much more than she does or vice versa?
why is the good times always seems to be shorter?
why is the sadness always last longer?
why is the feeling of pain is more intense than joy?

Why did I felt jealous so easily?
Why am I so demanding?
Why can’t I compromise and tolerate a bit more?
Why am I always gloomy and emotional over tiny issues?

I always thought that the balance theory will works well for the emotions and feelings experienced in the relationship, eg. the joy and the pain, the ups and downs… The two counteract elements will always balance out each other, in a way that, the more happy you are, the greater the sadness you will felt afterwards, the more you love a person, the easier you will feel upset over some tiny flaws which usually wont affect you with such a dense impact.

Hence, should I welcoming the negatives instead of trying to avoid it?
Somehow I’m not quite sure.

There is something called pain within the beauty,
And sometimes the things that really shake the human soul aren’t beauty or kindness
although those things are certainly moving, but they didn’t last long,
anger and sadness is different,
they leave an indelible mark,
even after the wounds heals,
you can never forget about the pain completely.

I acknowledge the fact that there will be down moments in our relationship, but still, the sadness that felt inside of me is real, so real that it causes the sensation of heartaches become more intense than ever.

which reminds me of how much I love you

I guess there is a balance point in the relationship after all…..

how i wish

how i wish i can kiss you good morning when u wake up,
how i wish i can do some nice sandwich and a great cup of tea for your breakfast,
how i wish i can walk with you into the sun welcoming the starting of a brand new day,
how i wish i can feel your strong hold around my wrist when the crowd are pushing each other inside the train,
how i wish i can give you a misscall when i reach my office safely,
how i wish i can secretly send you an i-miss-you message in the middle of the busy working hours just to relax my strung nerves,
how i wish i can call you just to tell you what i have for lunch today,
how i wish i can look foward to the dinner that we will have together at the end of the day,
how i wish to see you with your warm smile and wide open arms when the door of LRT opens,
how i wish to hold your hands while we take a slow walk back to our home sweet home,
how i wish i can kiss you goodnight before we roll together under the duvet sheets,
how i wish i can enters your thoughts before you fall asleep and is still there when you awake.
how i wish to spend my everyday with you.

how i wish....

A kiss from peter a day, keeps the calories away

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Peter!

1. About 100 people choke to death on peter each year!
2. Peter is the sacred animal of Thailand!
3. Never store peter at room temperature.
4. A lump of peter the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court.
5. If you lie on your back with your legs stretched it is impossible to sink in peter.
6. Some birds use peter to orientate themselves during migration.
7. Europe is the only continent that lacks peter.
8. If you kiss peter for one minute you will burn six or seven calories!
9. Peter is actually a fruit, not a vegetable.
10. The Australian billygoat plum contains a hundred times more Vitamin C than peter.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

Peter is actually a fruit, not a vegetable. lol
this is so accurate, hehehe... ;p

and the days pass by...

it had been 12 days....

12 days since i waved goodbye to 2005, the year of transformation, the year that changed my life and path forever.... 2005 was a history now, i'm supposed to reflect on the good and bad deeds i have done for the past whole year, the things that i'm felt thankful and the matters that i regret the most so that i wont repeat again in the future.

and yet, i havent done any of them yet. i use to keep the tradition of sharing of the reflection and the new year's resolution on the new year's eve with my church mates for years. But this year, 2006, my new year's eve was spent infront of my books burning the midnight oil.

i didnt felt very thankful nor sad practically. Watching the sparks of the beautiful firework from afar, i was abit numb... what's a new year spell for me? this year i'm turning 23, where the life leads me to starting from now?

i think i have to be thankful for being in the state that i am now, no one predicted that i would come so far to this foreign land, no one even knew that me and bull will still go strong after 6 months of seperation... in fact, when everything was so undetermined and unpredictable, what for to squeeze my brain to think of something to do for the next 365 days??

23 years had passed, and i survived through it. Hence, for many years to come and many years to go, i think i will still be safe and blessed if The heavenly father allows.

a song dedicated to my bull, happy new year bull!

another year has gone by~Celiendion
So many 1st of january
Just as many 25th of december's
And we're still holding it together
It only comes down to you and I

I know you can still remember
Things we said right from the start
When we said that this could be special
I'm keeping those words deep down in my heart

Another year has gone by
And I'm still the one by you're side
After everything that's gone by
There's still no one saying goodbye
Though another year has gone by

I've never been much for occasions
You never let a birthday go by
With announcing how much you love me
But the truth was always there
Right there in your eyes
And we're still holding hands when we're walking
Acting like we've only just met
But how could that be
When there's so much history
Guess that's how true lovers can get

Another year has gone by

stary stary night

i was reading a blog about Vincent Van Gogh posted by a friend that i came to know during the three month stay in Marybone student hostel. i never knew him that close, but he is a nice lad, a person who carries the love for brother and sister on his shoulder, a person who had walked through a distorted path but now live with passion and purpose.

i heard about the story of the great painter Vincent Van Gogh, but i never knew the detail of his life, except some of his famous paints, eg The scream, which is full of sorrow and pain.

'....All his life he is trying to chasing after his dream, trying to become somebody. He had been worked unsuccessfully as a clerk, as an art salesman, and even as a preacher whereby he was kicked out by his church due to his overzealous act such as giving his own and only cloth to the poor during winter.

Finally he become a painter, a successful one many will assume he will be, but for his entire life he sold only one painting to his own brother. And one day, he cut his ear, send it to his friend through mail, and to end his tragic life, he shot himself...'

to be truth, i was depressed after i read his life story, how can a person lived such a tortured life even when he knew the love of God?

'....As I have been like Vincent Van Gogh, a madman whom losing hope and being ignore by all I considered dear, but I was saved and I witnessed the love of God.

The gift that we need to be ever prepare...is to bring love to the others...so that there wouldn't be too many unfortunate one like Vincent Van Gogh, if there is anyone had shown him such love, his life will be bright and sparkle just like one of his painting, the flaming flowers that brightly blaze.'

Below is the song sung by Don McLean dedicated to Vincent Van Gogh:

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night
You took your life as lovers often do
But I could have told you Vincent
This world was never meant for one as
beautiful as you

Starry, starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget
Like the strangers that you've met
The ragged men in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know
What you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they're not listening still
Perhaps they never will

To those who caged in their own mind and live a distorted life, may God bless you all.
ps: thanks for the heart-touching words of yours, ah liew.