Me and the girls went to witness CS baptism in Citychurch last Sunday, we supposed to send our blessing to her on her baptism but instead, we went back home with a heart felt so blessed. i was moved by the testimony of the 4 baby christians that get baptised along with CS that day. i can see the joyfulness that flickering in their eyes and the contagious smile radiance across the miles when they shared in front of the congression how jesus changed their lives. I felt very very honored, for witnessing a holy convenent being made, between the heavenly Father Himself and the people who willing to follow Him.
I never have an exact spiritual birthday like other christians. I did baptized, but with no self conscious nor free will, as i'm baptized at the age of 1. Baptism supposingly is a symbol of spiritual reborn and signify the starting of the christian journey. However those important stage remained missing from my christian life.
Speaking from my own experience, being raised in a christian family or being a life long christian is not a pure bliss as other people might have thought so. in fact it was full of struggling and self-denial. Since i was young, i knew that my life is not belong to myself, and its in The Almighty hand. It was christianity teaching and God's words which had shaped me to the person i am today. with the endless of christian must-do list and not-to-do list, i have ignored my own desires and my thoughts. there is no transformation, no changing of heart i experienced as i lived a perfect christian-like life for 18 years of my life.
I was hemmed in by 4 walls of church, i was very safe, however i still felt that i might fall over the edge. i have all sorts of thoughts scrambled in my minds during that time, what if we live in a flat world rather than a sphere world so that just the thing that seemed so far away were, in fact just on other side? what if on the other side of rules and regulation was possibilities, what if the other side of believe is naive? i felt that i would fall over the edge of the world easily, once i leave the protective wall of the church, and my family.
I never knew that it will screw myself that much until i saw the image of the distorted me shadowed on my closest person-my younger brother. Anxiety had churned him inside out and he suffered insomnia and strung nerve all the time. my heart was torn badly for him and until it came to an extent that i cant differentiate the fact that am i grieved for him or myself.
on that stage, the truth striked me hard on the face, who is God and what He has to do with my life? why am i live for someone that i claimed is my savior yet i never experienced his grace on me before? everyday i felt like losing myself as i was shaped into a perfect christian mold. And at that moment of time i went to attend a christian retreat camp, for a week i was isolated from the hustle and bustle of the city. I reflected on the past 18 years on my life and cried to the Lord to reveal himself to me as i'm in the verge of giving up.
The last day of the camp is the start of the my spiritual journey, I received the gift of holy spirit and was reborn. The love of God touched me so much and i was cried like a baby in front of the Reverent. Words can merely explained what i felt and even now i still felt speechless, stand in awe i am, everytime i'm in the midst of the presence of the Lord.
i didnt lose myself and my identity when i became a christian, in fact HE has found me and i was bestowed with another name beside Susan. the one full of blesses, which exactly what's my name-Susan means.
indeed, i'm blessed.
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