Death

Believe it or not, I am virtually writing this blog in my dream. But it was not a pleasant dream, in fact it was a nightmare. Even now, after 12 hours, when i'm sitting in front of laptop pouring out the dream that came to me last night in words, I felt reluctant. because i fear that by writing it down, it may actually came true like what happens in the movie inkheart.

It was a very realistic setting. We were away from home attending my sister wedding. My brother couldnt join us as he is in the middle of facing some major examination. Everything was jolly happy until we heard news from home that my brother fell down from staircase and situation was not good. My parents asked me to stay behind for the wedding while they are going to fly back home. For some reason i felt that they are hiding something behind me, until i overheard their conversation, of which what i feared the most had happened.

I remembered i started to pour down crazily as my world is breaking apart. Its as though the earth lurched on its axis and taking me with it. I stood stock still, but my strength was leaving me. Every part of me, my body, head and even fingers were etched with devastation. "i want to see him" i heard myself pleading the same sentence over and over again in tears.

In the middle of pain and tears, i woke up, only to find out that its a dream. I was soaked in tears and sweat. Never in my life i thought that one is capable of feeling so heart broken in his/her dreams.

As a child, i had always frightened when people mentioned about death. I've never told anyone about this fear which secretly reside in me but I remembered when my grandpa passed away when i was 6-7 years old, I couldnt slept the whole night knowing my grandpa was lying lifelessly two rooms away from mine. Its very much an unrealistic silly childhood fear, like some kids scared of Ghost, or bogeyman hiding behind closet.

Last night, when i was wide awake with my swollen eyes, this childhood fear returned to me and threathen to break me apart. Only this time, it was a very sober, realistic fear. Fearing that i'll never able to see my love one again.

The problem is when we are alive and breathing, we don't see death as someone who can knock on our doors anytime. Being alive comes natural to us to an extent that we didn't aware that to be alive itself is an active, working subconscious action. It is only when death suddenly snatched someone away from us, we are forced to realize that death can be so close to us, and to be alive was never a certainty in our life.

I still remembered how hopeless I am a few years ago when i received the call that Peter had met an accident. I was thousands miles away from him during that time and I feared so much that his actual situation was worse than what i've been told and his brother was hiding the truth from me. I was disabled completely and do nothing but crying and praying. It was only after a few days that my heart was able to settle when i finally heard his voice.

I experienced the same fear a few months ago when my friend's dad passed away. Throughout the visit, I was disturbed and unable to articulate the insecurity and restlessness inside of me. On the way back from the funeral, i called my mom and was burst into tears the moment i told my mom about the unfortunate incident. It was then i've finally understood the anxious feelings came from the fear that one day, the same unexpected will happen to my dear parents when i'm far away from home.

I do accept mortality as a fact of life, but the acknowledgment doesn't make it any less painful when thinking about the death of my love ones. Even though I am very comfortable with thinking and discussing about death intellectually, but there is always this uneasy feelings encompassed in me which is yet to resolve whenever i think about the matter. I dont fear my own mortality at all but I'm still learning hard on how to face the sadness at the missing of another, well, the least is not to fear for it.