I still remember the night of a few weeks ago, whereby i was on a highway drive from Melaka back to KL. It was an unplanned trip as i've just visited and pay respect to my friend's father whom had passed away. For some reason, along the whole ride my heart was disturbed and I made a call to my mom when we stopped at the rest station along the highway. I told my mom about the unfortunate incident, and before i realized it, my tears started to fall down in pebble size drops.
My mom told me she was the same age with my friend's dad whom had passed away.
I understood that these overflowing emotions came from the naked realization that one day my dear mom will leave me as well. Never ever i felt that death can be so close as if he will come and knock on the door anytime without any warning.
I came across an entry of a blog about the story of this particular blogger and his mother. He wrote it in such a way that the words spell out my feelings in alphabets as if he had read my mind.
父母亲是我们即便在无病呻吟的夜里也很少提及的角色。我和很多人一样，很少有人去感恩自己家里那个养活自己的父母...其实长大一点的时 候，都会内心对家人有着无尽的愧疚。因为良心发现的那些瞬间我们自己心里也很明白，我们平时叫嚣的自由自我为己而活是终极自私的，是他们牺牲自己的自由来换取我们的自由。
.......
On the whole, my childhood days were pretty great, and growing up was easy (despites of all the puppy love/crushes and friendship drama which may seems to be bigger than life during that time), i have the luxury of growing up in church and believe me thats the best place you want your child to grow up in. It required no thought and hard works on my part. It was going to happen anyway. So I’m afraid what follows isn’t that eventful as well. And that’s why part of me always dream and looking forward to something different and great to happen later in my life. To become the extraordinary Christian, to fall in love heads of heels, to become the friends in need and through thick and thin, to travels across the sea and to walk under a different sky…. Well, of course not all things turned out the way i've wanted, and in my mind, life has failed me. It was then I started to blog as that’s was my way out, and that’s why my words from the early days of blogging is full of ranting, complains and dissatisfaction.
Anyway, back to my point, what I’ve intended to say is that, i was a well protected child. Growing up wasn’t much of an effort, as it wasn’t really my responsibility, cuz it was my mom’s. My mom is a giant lady in my eyes. She shared the load of providing the physical needs for the family with my dad, as well as fulfilling the emotional needs for her child, her husband, her in laws, her own parents..... except herself. She always make sure the meals are ready, the clothes are washed, the money is enough for our next tuition fees. However, I can barely remember the last time she sat down and let us made her a meal, or buying something expensive for herself, or going for a pilgrimage trip to mainland china like the rest of her sisters (my aunts) does.
She is the typical conventional Chinese lady, who labors and sacrifices her whole life for the family. Sometimes, I do wished that she can do more for the sake of herself and not for her love ones, which including myself. She grew up in a poor family, and being the eldest and sister for 5, she took care of the younger ones in the family, work day in and day out to make the ends met and never really have the chance to go for higher education. She married my dad and started to live the nomad life as my dad was a government servant who got transferred from one place to another every 5-6 years. From Sibu, they moved to Miri, Semonggok, Samarahan, and now end up settling in Kuching where she is far away from her blood family.
In a way, I felt like we have all robbed away my mom’s life, me, my sister, brother, even my dad and her own blood family. We have robbed her off the chance of pursuing her real purpose in life and she deserve much better than the state she is in now. There was a long period of time, whereby she was frequently in argument with my dad and felt restless at home. I knew she was physically, as well as emotionally drained and wearing out, however I was incapable of doing anything for her and the days just continue to move on. And recently after 3 years I have graduated, I came to know that she spent most of her EPF savings for my UK’s master tuition fees, and today she still working hard to support my younger brother’s tuition fees.
It saddened me the fact that her life was a never ending cycle of labors and sacrifices. She was a proud mother, however being the subject of her love, I know how much we have failed and hurt her with our wrong behaves many times when we were teenagers those days.
Sometimes subconsciously we have forced ourselves to be on the top in our loves one's priority list. As such, they are responsible for our happiness and unhappiness, they supposed to be our providers, they are the venting channels for our grunts and complains. However we failed to register that, Anyone, doesnt matter how important is she in your life, but if she can only live once like any other person, so whats wrong with her pursuing whats she really wanted with this one and only life.
任何人，无论在你的生命中扮演着何等重要的角色？但她自身的生命也仅有一次，如果她用这一次去追寻了自我？不管她的结局是抱憾终老或无悔今生, 她又何错之有呢?
Today, I have live out the life where there is not an hour passing by that I didn’t felt appreciated and thankful for the state I’m in today. However, what about her dream and her life?
心中有这样一片田地，随着时间的累积我更深刻的体会我之所以存在......我不想俗套的歌颂什么是伟大的，别管有没有这个必要，那不是我表达的方式，真的不是...曾有人说中国人是最不擅长赤裸裸的表达爱，尤其在孩子面对亲人的时候，这句话象一双为我定做的鞋子，而我却不会脱掉它......好多事情无法感谢，而我心都了解。
I owe her my life.
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