2010

"Life aint easy, but its a joy to live."

Sometimes words like this just come to me in the most unexpected, enlightenment way.

2009 has been a long but paradoxically a short year as well. Holidays are short and working days are long, so its all about relativity. Things happened, good things, bad things, its all part of the parcel called life, hence i have nothing to complain about.

To be frank there are a few incidents happened in 2009 which leaves a bitter scar in my heart, those are the lessons which i have learnt and hopefully need not to repeat again in future.

I was forced to say good byes to some of my good friends, whom i recognized as my brothers and sisters. We used to fight for the same course and the spiritual bonding which we shared is as deep as blood bonds. Honestly, am not good in communication and sometimes am lack of initiative when it comes to maintaining friendship. I may not be expressive, but i do care. The fact that human are physicals, there is always an inherent barrier in how we are connecting to each other. We are not spiritual beings whereby the emotions can be freely shared or communicated through some magical telepathic manner. There are times when words are simply not enough, and actions are seen as meaningless.

However, though ideology may changed, principles may differed, paths may diverted, i'm thankful that the feeling for each other is always there. Though we are walking on different ways now but our paths still intertwined with each others.

Yeah, we do love each other more than the differences between us.

On the positive side, there are also times whereby i felt like i can never said 'thank you' enough. I had ample of chances in 2009 to travel around, Shanghai, Cheong Qing, Hanoi, Jakarta, Singapore, Langkawi, Hong Kong etc. and the travel experience opened up my horizon and enriched my life like never before. I'd met different people, of all walks of life and all kinds of culture, skin color, profession. And through them i came to realize that what a wonderful world we live in.

I'm also thankful for the change in my career as i'd nearly give up and seriously considered to resign at one point of time. Business speaks selfish languages. In order to protect company's best interest, i'm forced to be part of the game. It was a battle which i faced everyday the moment i stepped into the office, against the enemy i called 'myself'. I'm lucky in a sense that my company had decided to give me the chance to perform to the best of my capability and capacity in the area which i'm comfortable at. I'd changed from my current position of business development to Product portfolio development and management. For whatever reason (maybe its because my boss getting tired of me objecting him all time), i'm thankful.

Anyway, its only a few more hours to go before we wave good bye to 2009. To all who read this, thank you for the companionship we shared in words. I've nearly forgotten how fun it is to write.

Happy 2010!

Merry belated Christmas

Was away for a long Christmas holiday for the past one week, i'm glad to say I AM BACK! finally!

Anyway, have around 60 emails in my inbox to clear off, so I wont be naggy today. Alot of things happened during the trip which i'm eager to share with all my friends in this space, but i do need some time to re arrange my stuff, my room, recollect my thoughts before i'm actually pen it down (or rather type it out).

The funny thing is while i'm away from my laptop for the whole week, i missed being online dearly, i missed checking my friend's blogs, spying on what others did or eat, youtubing, or simply random browsing.... Many times i have this strong feeling of need and urgency to pour out everything i saw, heard, experienced and the expansive dose of words in me. However, when i finally back, my thoughts was so scattered and diffused, and i have to literally cool down and settle my mind before i can throw myself back to the world of blogging.

Anyway, at the mean time, i would like to say THANK YOU, a zillion times to my families and friends who are so generous with their presents and wishes. Its truly a blessing to have you all during this season of love and sharing.

For some reason, i had received alot of cosmetics gifts. However the most unexpected gift of all is from Peter's mom, a cute blue mug which have nice little nose.

Before i got the chance to ask her how come the mug only have a nose but no eyes and mouth, she started to laugh hysterically. You can imagine how confused i am, until I went and checked the prints on the mug, which says:

"Check your breast today"

Avatar, when human become inhumane

* BIG SPOILER * dont read this if you planned to watch Avatar.

I went to watch Avatar yesterday. To be frank, take away the tiny flaws in the plot of the story, i have to say it was pretty entertaining and i enjoyed it very much. Its good that sometime we go to watch movie without any expectation and when its still oven hot, there wont be much reviews from others which may creates certain biasness and expectation in our mind.

The perfect example- New moon, get what i mean?

James Cameron must be really craving for a BIG comeback after the history making Titanic blockbuster, cuz Avatar is a movie with gob-smacking sensory overloaded visuals impacts. It was action packed, full with vivid colors, beautiful and almost magical sceneries, but the most captivating thing about the movie is that the 3D scenes are almost human real without the cartoonish/anime-nish look.

Avatar talks about human invation into a foreign planet of an indegenious species called Na'vi to mine for a precious mineral. Jake Sully, an ex marine who was paralyzed from the waist down was hired as the driver (through neural links) for Avatar, a biological replication of Na'vi species created by human. The Avatar programme aimed at diplomacy between the two population however Jake Sully was the mole who repurpose the programme from diplomacy to espionage.

What's unexpected was Jake fell in love with his new body, new identity, new culture, new home and Neytiri, the teacher and the princess who taught him everything about being a Na'vi. He soon realized Pandora (the greens) and the Na'vis are too precious to be destroyed by humans and the realization led him to road of betrayer for his own species.

My movie kaki felt that Avatar is the Sci fi version of Disney's Pocahantus story, except that Jake Sully become the de facto leader of the indegenious population while John Smith had failed miserably, leaving behind Pocahantos and the colors of the wind. To me, it was not much of a love story, but more of a man whom was given a second chance to live again. In the Navi's body, Jake had experienced the life which he can never experienced in his crippled body, although his physicals was still in the human's world, but his conscious and heart is with the Na'vis. Well, given the chance, who wants to be associated with human whose greed is a never ending black hole.

Avatar was not the first movie which describe cruelty of human against the other life form, the inhuman act of human in District 9 preceeded Avatar in many ways. Its kinda funny to see the crowds in the cinema shed tears when the Na'vis were butchered and cheered when the human troops were killed, what an irony. In my opinion, it wasnt something which is outrageous or absurb, if human are mass killing themselves (genocides, war), what stopping them from killing the 'aliens'?

The movie was indeed an eye opener.

Cone Pizza

It was Peter's birthday a few days ago, and we went for an un romantic dinner at an Italian restaurant. Well the reason why i said it was un romantic its because his friend called up to wish him happy birthday and get to know that we are contemplating a pizza dinner. And his reaction was:

"This is so un romantic!"

well, i guess having pizza sounds cheap and common by many definition. But for a 5 years old couple like us, candle light and sexy lounge music would be good, but not our priority. Of course we have our moments for romantic timeout, but on a Thursday night after a tiring day of work, practicality come first. Well, who doesnt enjoy affordable but tasty food?

Cone Pizza at Sri Rampai is not a fancy place but definitely a good choice for fast dinner and quality food. One thing which is a bit funny is that the design is abit like Secret Recepi with red and white internal deco, i cant help but wonder maybe it's under the same restaurant management chain. The restaurant was named after its signature dish which is pizza in cone shape, like a connetto ice cream. But the sad thing was the dish doesnt really live up to our expectation. The concept is unique, but the bread crust was a bit too thick and the taste was quite bland to be frank.

The birthday boy enjoying his cone pizza (classic peperonni)

However, the fetuccine were great, i've ordered the carbonara while Peter ordered the Arabiata (with olives and dry tomatoes), both of us enjoyed the noodles very much.

We also ordered some sides which was nothing to shout about.

It was a great meal overall, and i wont hesistate to come back for second time.

Becoming 30

Lately, i was talking to different people at different occasion but it was all about the same topic- becoming 30.

Whenever someone raised the topic (unintentionally), my observation is that there is always the same pattern of response. First, everyone will start to nod their head and cant wait to echo with 'amen'. Some will act a bit edgy and soon submerged into depression mode, then followed by the reminiscence epic on "those are the days....", finally the conversation ends with someone letting out a long sigh.

There are also times when the conversation just simply dies off cuz its a silent understanding that no matter how much we fret about getting old and we mourned about the end of our youthful days, we still have to face the fact that its coming, willingly or by force.

Most of friends who are in late 20's, shudder at the thought of stepping into the world of 30 (++) years old uncle and auntie. But i find that ironically, at one hand we fret that clock is clicking too fast, but on another hand we rush to do more things as though we cant wait to become 30's. Remember how we rushed through our secondary school life to get a car license or a boyfriend? how we rushed through college thinking what job to go for when we are out there, and when we finally landed with a job, we start to plan to get next promotion. And at mid 20s, we rushed to get our first 10k, then 100k, then a car, then a house, ohh... not forgetting getting hitched and some toddles by chance. In a nutshell, we work our days in and out so that we can be happily settled at 30s.

But what about living the moment? for that particular of time/phase of your life and enjoy it to the fullest? Sometimes, we rush for wanting to get the next thing which may not be necessary during that point of time.

So is it that sad to become 30? Frankly i dont think so.... if we know how to live the moment and embrace what life gotta offer to us during that stage.

I guess its no longer secret that I have only 4 years to go before i'm qualified for such entitlement. But apart from the extra wrinkles and loosening of muscle tone, am actually welcome the idea of becoming 30s.

I dont feel the need to return to or prolong the estrogen pumping, insecurity and emotional days of my 20s. There are only so many heartbreaks, so many 12 hours a day 6 days a week working madness a girl can take. My life is good, i have good job, good friends, good love relationship and so there are no need for me to dwell in my sweet 20s any longer than it should.

Responsibilities aside, i think 30s is when the true harvesting started. I had learn enough and work enough (and pak tor enough) to be in the state i'm in or with the person i'm with today. I can afford to splurge on a fancy dinner one night without ripping a hole in my budget; i can stay at home potato couch-ing the entire Saturday without worrying of being a loser for not having any plans for weekend; On those cold rainy night, i can cuddled with my love and sigh in contentment instead of msn-chatting with some stranger to fill the blackhole of loneliness inside..

So happy birthday dear, you still have 2 years to go before the sweet 30 comes, but be assure that i'll be there to have the fancy dinner with you, lying on the couch watching tele with you and cuddle you tight through cold rainy night.

am not suicidal

Peter said i sounded suicidal in the previous post ... (-_-''')

To be honest i am not, the post was the output of an impromptu splurge, which was part of the natural reponse of the body feedback loop towards stimulants such as stress and physical fatigues.

In fact i think the 'out of body' experience which i had that night is the natural way of my mind 'rejuvenating' itself, an emotional cleansing process to empty myself and to re fill my chi or chakra in order to fight the physical exhaustion and enervation.

Anyway here comes the proof that i'm still have my sanity firmly intact.

But frankly, i do feel that i'm ready to 'go' during that night. If 2012 was realized during that moment, i think i would extend my arm and welcome the fireballs to engulf me completely.

...... this reminds me of Charlie Frost, the nutty fella who predicted the end of the world in 2012, but turns into ash when the volcano exploded.

I take back my word.

where we're going

I had a long day at work yesterday, an unexpected family crisis happened at noon, a heated debate during management meeting, a series of nasty emails firing to and fro (God forbid me). Its not bitter or resentment which i felt, am just exhausted and drained, inside out, outside in.

I cant find a better sentences to describe this but the reality of life engulfed me.

When i was on Jalan Tun Razak cruising home at 8pm, it was still raining like cats and dogs. My heart was low and my mind was numb. The pebbles of rain drops hitting hard on the windscreen, one moment it was blurred, but clearly wiped the next moment, and the motion repeated, blurred, cleared, blurred, cleared ....

Do you think I'm special?
Do you think I'm nice?
Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces?
Between the noise you hear
And the sound you like
Are we just sinking in an ocean of faces?

It can be possible that rain can fall,
Only when it's over our heads
The sun is shining everyday, but it's far away
Over the world is death.

Ryan Tedder mourned a world goes wrong from the stereo. I dont know why but he sounded so sad in "All the right moves".

They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down

The voice hit me, hard, the sentence was replayed over and over in my head...

Everybody knows where we're going
but we're going down
.......
i know where i'm going
am i going down?

It was a complete darkness which i felt inside, a blank moment, a deafening moment, as though the time stopped, and the world ceased to spin at its axis. It was an undescribable feeling of nothing matters anymore.

It was nothing to start with, and nothing in the end.

And then i realized that i'm driving at the speed of 100km/hr on a dark winding road. i was on auto pilot mode for the past 15 mins. As soon as i've realized this, the moment was snapped and gone.

I still cant articulate in words whats gotten to me that night. It an unutterable and ineffable moment which i feel that i am ready to go, and that nothing matters anymore. Work stress, family matters, religious issues .... am ready to let it go.

And i thought i wont write any emo blog for the time being.

chicken

Am working like mad recently, 12 hours a day, 6 days a week until Christmas week. Hence no serious, emo, mind provoking blogs within the next two weeks.

So here comes another filler.

Peter and I are getting better in our cooking nowadays.


No bluff. The picture says a thousand words.

Compassion

I was having lunch with my colleague and another friend at Sri Petaling last Friday. It was a typical mamak shop, crowded, sweaty, oily and congested with pungent smell of spices and curry. Anyway, while i'm happily eating my briyanni rice, suddenly i felt someone approached me from the sideway. I turned and saw this beggar, a very old man with filthy clothes, holding a cane on one hand and a cup on another asking for money.

To be frank, i usually dont give money to beggar, in my definition, its a crime to give to a person of right age, with no apparent mental in capabilities. But for some reason, i have a soft spot for those old ones/kids. Whenever i look at them, the picture of loneliness and unwanted sprung up my mind.

When i was in Jakarta last year, i have to mentally confronted this feeling everytime the taxi stops, whether its in the middle of the traffic jam or infront of the traffic light, there is always someone, some child, persistently knocking on the glass window, extending their hands out. To turn away my eyes from them is one of the cruelest thing i felt i've done. After 3 days of staying in the city, i felt like wanna run away and never return again.

Back to my story, i was searching my purse for small cash to give to the old man, but only to find that the smallest note i have is RM5, without second thought i took it out and put into his can. and thats when my colleague gave me the "i cant believe you have just did that" look. They were shaking their head in disbelief as though i've done something bizarre and outrageous. In order to knock some sense into me, my colleague told me another incident happened in Bangsar quite sometime ago.

In was the same mamak setting and there was this old man who begged for money from table to table. The only difference was that this old man was hunching, it seems like his back was somehow deformed and he was having difficulties in walking around. My colleague's friend felt pity for him and took out a 50 cents and gave to the old man.

Then miracles happened, as soon as the old man received the 50 cents, he straighten his back and walk out of the restaurant like any other normal person. My colleague was utterly speechless, he felt so amused and told his friend that he is Jesus, cuz he healed the hunchback with 50 cents.

Although it sounds rare, but the fact is there are some people who do feel compassionate towards the disabled and poor. But with these kind of incidents actually occuring, i am sure people's heart will soon be hardened. And this is sad, people cannot do good without worrying being cheated. Good qualities such as compassionate and charitable are killed easily in the society we live today, there are no chance for these qualities to be nurtured so that it can bless more people.

This is definitely sad.

On being Adult

I was rushing in and out of the office for the past few days trying to sort out the accommodation/flight bookings for for my family Christmas holiday trip to Langkawi, as well as their 2 days stay in KL right after the trip. Well, lets just say it this way, its not as easy as log into www.airasia.com, click, click, click, key in your credit card number, click to confirm and wala ... DONE!

Its complicated, headachingly complicated.

My parents are traveling on government servants subsidized holiday package (yes, there are such entitlement for government servants, bet you dont know that!), and there are many terms and condition into it. One of the most difficult term is that there is strictly NO flying with Airasia! (see, not EVERYONE CAN FLY with airasia). On top of that, it was a last minute decision and most of the holiday resort/hotels in Langkawi and around Bukit Bintang area were fully booked, not to mention the rates were sky high since its peak season.

not EVERYONE CAN FLY with airasia

The thing is the Langkawi trip was decided last minute, but the idea of having a family Christmas trip was conceived, lets say ONE YEAR ago. Due to my dad indecisiveness, i'm only able to start the planning and booking a week ago. To make it worse, during that week, my dad was determined to crash my phone (and my sanity) by bombarding me with calls 24-7 to check on the status.

As the result of that, my mood wasnt that pleasant the whole of last week (ok, BAD is the word), when i phone-chit chating with my sister about it, she was laughing her head off as she knows my dad is capable of pussyfooting around when it comes to money spending decision.

It was then a million dollar question crossed my mind: Am i expecting too much from my dad?

Of course i know well that my dad tends to hesitate endlessly before he finally makes a last minute decision. In fact it's already a norm in my family that situation like this happens, whether its buying a new house or a new car, my dad will do his routine of pacing around up and down, in and out before he finally decide. Most of the time, we all felt those consequences, and yes, we grumble, complain, slam doors to vent the frustration, but still, we go through the situation together as a family.

Its funny that we see our parents as someone who is bigger than ourselves as they are the one we always look up to. As we growing up inch by inch over the years, the parent figure was engraved so deeply in our heart to an extent that we perceived them as Giant who SHOULD and WILL always know more and better than us.

When i was young, i keep thinking that one day when i'm finally an adult, i shall be mature enough to have my own child, and i'll be able to take good care of them, just like my mom. So i spent my teenage days counting fingers, waiting for the moment of transformation to come. In short, i was under the illusion that one day there will be an enlightment in a form of sudden ray of thunder or lightnings which able to make this ugly caterpillar to spread her wings and fly.

But the truth is THE MOMENT never comes. In fact, there is no clear demarcation or delinearation which says that you are now an adult and no more child. At the age of 26, when i'm doing all the things an adult does, working, paying loans and bills, buying cars.... it finally occured to me that there is no such thing call "adult thinking" or "adult Modus Operandi" for a person to function as an adult, and there is no one specific changing point whereby things suddenly fall into its place and life become easy.

Of course i'm getting 'wiser' over the years of learning and experience, but when it comes to taking up new responsibilities and to say that i'm my own woman, it doesnt matter whether its 16 or 26, there will still be fears and struggles inside of me. If being adult means keeping ourselves healthy, being financially independent, servicing my car regularly... well, that is no big deal. But if being adult means to become like my mother, who is the epitome of patience momly figure, thats spells I.M.P.O.S.S.I.B.L.E. In fact at my current age, my mom had already conceived her first child. And i asked myself, if i am in my mom's shoes, will i be able to raise up my sister to the woman she is today?

I dont think there is a need for me to repeat the word.

Its indeed a lesson i've learnt today, to never forget that my parents are human being too. There are times when they dont know, and they are capable of feeling hurt just like us.

And a note to myself, being an adult means doing things which i should do and may not be really prepared to do. But its fine as long as i'm taking responsability for my actions, and moreover my life. yes, it’s frightening but am sure its exciting as well.

Medical Anatomy

With my frequent ranting and bitching about my job, i guess its no more secret that i'm currently managing a team in developing a Semantic cum visualisation technology based teaching and learning software for medical anatomy.

A few days ago, my team members and I were in our weekly technical meeting, discussing on the User interface of the software system. As you all know, the best way of brain storming is always through our Master Google. So everyone bring their laptop into the meeting room and surfing for ideas.

Whats in our mind is something like this:

Everyone was professional (FINALLY!!), generously and actively contributing their inputs. All i heard was words of sophisticated and tongue twisting IT jargon, of which 80% i failed to appreciate. But when I stood back and looked at my team, a sense of proudness engulfed me, finally.... my kids have grown up.

Until one of my team member accidently found something interesting on the internet and started to scream at 100 decibel: "holy shit.... this is so cute, come look at this!". Everyone rushed to her side to take a peek at her screen and within seconds, the professional group of software engineers had turn back to a bunch of kids.

In the middle of " ooo... so cute." " kawaiii." ....., I heard the last bit of proudness in me shattered into pieces.

Anyway, this is what they are so excited about: Anatomy of cute toys and stuffed animals by Jason Freeny (moistproduction.com)

Gummy bears and baloon dogs (click to enlarge)

There's even anatomy for Lego!

Seriously, i think medical students will find learning anatomy is fun if they have these compare to the dull and boring human skeletal model we had in our secondary school's old dark biology laboratory.

Anyway, you can buy those online if you are interested. Pretty neat for a wall paper.

A skirt

I've discovered something new yesterday.

Human eyes are easily accustomed to the things we see everyday.

Vision is totally an abstraction. Our brain relates an item with the image captured through our eyes, auto tagged it and stored in our grey matter. so whenever we think of the particular item, our brain will auto retrieve the same image from the database and try to superimpose it with what we currently see.

Some people said its memory (stored in the temporary folder), i called it a perception with inherent bias.

For example,

Jane is the hermit who wears her signature THICK spectacles and hiding behind the cubicles all the time.
John is the fat guy who has a pot belly twice of a 5 months pregnant lady
Jerry is the short hyper guy who jumps while he walks, who laugh while he talks.

So what about Susan?

Well, (i think) in most of my colleague's pre conceived perception, Susan is the one who talks at the speed of light and high desibel when she is excited, sometimes walking around the office in barefoot (because tired of wearing the high heels), always wear dull monochromic suit, very un lady like (hence prefer pants over skirt), even if she is wearing a skirt, is most likely a knee length formal cut black skirt.

Overall she is average lah.

Until yesterday...

When she walked into the office, the boss looking at her with expanded pupils, and started laughing non stop. When he was finally able to catch his breath and gain his composure, he said: "Susan you look like a school girl today."

Throughout the entire day, she received funny stares and comments like "Susan you look young", "Susan you are wearing...."

Whats the fuss is all about!

People getting excited all over because i'm wearing ..... an A line ruffle skirt ..... (-___-)'''

Am totally confused.

Losing faith

I still have hundreds of things in my unfinished tasks list but am too numb to work on it on rainy Friday afternoon. It was pouring like crazy outside. All around me is quiet, everyone was fixing their eyes on computer screen and the entire office felt so cold and tranquil.

Anyway, weather like this always bring out the gloomy side of me.

There is something bothering me like a swarm of fluttering bees in my mind for the past few days. Its about losing faith.

Have a heart to heart talk with a close friend of mine last weekend. She was struggled badly to stay afloat while there are so many different things in her life weighing her down. There was no big dramatic event leading up to this, which made it particularly more difficult to rationalize away. In retrospect, career challenges, financial commitments, peer pressure had outweighs the simple faith she had over the past year or so. I had a bad feeling that she is sinking down fast and the faith which holding her strong all theses while is slowly slipping away.

We used to be fighting for the same course and firmly believed in what we pursuing. In fact we are the witness for each other's faith and its always a silent understanding between us that we will uphold and always be there for each other. It saddened me that since we had departed our ways, i was totally blinded towards her strife and struggles.

Being human, we tend to lose faith easily in many things. It can be faith in a relationship, career, particular interest, religion or even a person. I must admit that i've did it couple of times myself. I lose faith in my first relationship because of the 6 hours unreachable gap between Malaysia and Johannesburg; I lose faith in a friendship because i find myself can never be the perfect person he wants me to be; I lose faith in some big churches because i can only see the four walls and a roof, not the life of the believers.

Frankly its human to err, so as its human to easily lose faith. How many of us are persistent and endurance in our pursue? How many of us are still eagerly pursuing our childhood dreams after years of disappointment/failure? How many of us able to fulfill the vow of loving a person till death do us part? How many of us are still honest in our thoughts/believes and not distracted by other temptations along the way?

I have a friend who switch love target in a matter of days. One day he can boldly declaring his undying love to one, but as soon as he sense a slight signal of 'might be rejected', he will turn 180 degrees and start to look for a new target. I have another friend who finished his bio degree and hooping from one job to another, without staying for more than half a year each. Thinking the next one will be his lucky strike.

Faith sounds ancient and impractical in this age as most of us feel that following the tide as it flows is a much easy way out than battling against the tide.

Honestly I was very much demotivated after the conversation .... until she send me a sms last weekend, telling me that she was strengthen by words from Heb 12:3 "Do not be wearied and lose heart". I opened up the bible and continue to read from there..

7 "Endure hardship as discipline...
11"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it
12-13 "Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees; And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed.

My heart silently rejoice when i see the words. It really doesnt matter how hard will it be in this journey of pursuing the faith, what matters is where it leads us to in the end.

Food vs Man

Am extremely busy this week, this is just a filler to fill the void during my absence.

Hangout with my mates last Saturday at One Utama and having a bite at New York Deli. We've ordered some salad and Junkie Beef Burger.

Except that this junkie beef burger is extremely humongous.. (the price as well of course, the burger alone cost RM43)

The waiter told us that anyone who can finish this burger by her/himself (without sharing with anyone that is), can walk away without paying a penny.

Anyone dare to challenge?

lecturing... again

My boss dropped a bombshell this morning, i was asked to conduct another lecture at University of Nottingham, tomorrow.

Well, since this is my second attempt of guest lecturing, it SUPPOSED to be alright. The only problem is that the topic of lecture has nothing to do with my domain .... "Configuration Management in Software Development". What this biotech fella gotta do with teaching software configuration management to IT student?

I really have to THANK my boss for having so much of confident in me.

The first time in UPM was no sweat as i'm well versed in Molecular Technology, but IT? Well, maybe i should say that my vast experience in IT field came from 5 years of blogging.

......

All in all, it wasn't that bad ... I do know the subject matter and was part of software engineering process group. However, something interesting caught my attention though. "We are looking forward for your ENRICHED (highlighted in bold) lecture for our young minds."

hmm ... enriched ... you bet it, hope my 'enriched' (maybe saturated to an extent of suffocating is a better description) experience in project management would be helpful. Project Management for a bunch of kids that is. Did i mentioned that i'm holding a whip in one hand and sweets in another, ALL the time? Thats my ultimate Project Management skill.

Death

Believe it or not, I am virtually writing this blog in my dream. But it was not a pleasant dream, in fact it was a nightmare. Even now, after 12 hours, when i'm sitting in front of laptop pouring out the dream that came to me last night in words, I felt reluctant. because i fear that by writing it down, it may actually came true like what happens in the movie inkheart.

It was a very realistic setting. We were away from home attending my sister wedding. My brother couldnt join us as he is in the middle of facing some major examination. Everything was jolly happy until we heard news from home that my brother fell down from staircase and situation was not good. My parents asked me to stay behind for the wedding while they are going to fly back home. For some reason i felt that they are hiding something behind me, until i overheard their conversation, of which what i feared the most had happened.

I remembered i started to pour down crazily as my world is breaking apart. Its as though the earth lurched on its axis and taking me with it. I stood stock still, but my strength was leaving me. Every part of me, my body, head and even fingers were etched with devastation. "i want to see him" i heard myself pleading the same sentence over and over again in tears.

In the middle of pain and tears, i woke up, only to find out that its a dream. I was soaked in tears and sweat. Never in my life i thought that one is capable of feeling so heart broken in his/her dreams.

As a child, i had always frightened when people mentioned about death. I've never told anyone about this fear which secretly reside in me but I remembered when my grandpa passed away when i was 6-7 years old, I couldnt slept the whole night knowing my grandpa was lying lifelessly two rooms away from mine. Its very much an unrealistic silly childhood fear, like some kids scared of Ghost, or bogeyman hiding behind closet.

Last night, when i was wide awake with my swollen eyes, this childhood fear returned to me and threathen to break me apart. Only this time, it was a very sober, realistic fear. Fearing that i'll never able to see my love one again.

The problem is when we are alive and breathing, we don't see death as someone who can knock on our doors anytime. Being alive comes natural to us to an extent that we didn't aware that to be alive itself is an active, working subconscious action. It is only when death suddenly snatched someone away from us, we are forced to realize that death can be so close to us, and to be alive was never a certainty in our life.

I still remembered how hopeless I am a few years ago when i received the call that Peter had met an accident. I was thousands miles away from him during that time and I feared so much that his actual situation was worse than what i've been told and his brother was hiding the truth from me. I was disabled completely and do nothing but crying and praying. It was only after a few days that my heart was able to settle when i finally heard his voice.

I experienced the same fear a few months ago when my friend's dad passed away. Throughout the visit, I was disturbed and unable to articulate the insecurity and restlessness inside of me. On the way back from the funeral, i called my mom and was burst into tears the moment i told my mom about the unfortunate incident. It was then i've finally understood the anxious feelings came from the fear that one day, the same unexpected will happen to my dear parents when i'm far away from home.

I do accept mortality as a fact of life, but the acknowledgment doesn't make it any less painful when thinking about the death of my love ones. Even though I am very comfortable with thinking and discussing about death intellectually, but there is always this uneasy feelings encompassed in me which is yet to resolve whenever i think about the matter. I dont fear my own mortality at all but I'm still learning hard on how to face the sadness at the missing of another, well, the least is not to fear for it.

Sweet talk

Peter and i are not the most romantic couple in the world, but we do enjoy occasionally harmless sweet talks (or rather msn-ing).

wilfredj:
hello, the nasi lemak lady cheat me last time
today she charged me 1.20 when i use my own container
last time she charged 1.40 when i use my own container

me:
huh, so inconsistent

wilfredj:
the only difference between then and now was i asked her if she took off for the month of Ramadhan
lol

me:
hahaha
you charmed her, thats why its cheaper
your charm only worth 20 cent, hahaha

wilfredj:
cis, damn sad

wilfredj:
so how much is my charm to you?

me:
it depends
but your charm damn expensive wei
cost me my whole life

wilfredj:
hahaha, that is goood
the charm was well spent on you :D

The end.

individualist

Those who know me would realized by now that i am quite a individualist and self reliant person. i've done countless things which is weird (to others) but strangely satisfying (to me) such as:

1. Buying a Nike man's sports shoes (in fact its a footie boot) despite of all the funny looks i get;

Which was proven to be a good purchase cuz i am still wearing it till today for my aerobic class

2. Flew to Paris alone and staying in a bare minimum 3 star backpackers hotel at the infamous Montmartre street (which was like the old red light area of chow kit street) where Moulin Rouge is, and climb up to Sacre Coer in the middle of the night just to see the Paris night view.

Of course end up nagged by my churchmates endlessly when i came back from the trip because it was quite dangerous for a girl to wonder like that in a foreign place.

3. Playing simple and repetitive Bigfish time management games like Farm Frenzy and Gourmania religiously every night without fail.

I can finish up a game in 2-3 days time, and hook on it hours after hours to a point of addiction

But the most damaging one is:

4. Bearing many strange principles with regards to life, religion, relationship etc. to an extent that sometimes unintentionally, it polarizes people (especially those who are close to me). Well, this blog is the perfect written testimony for me.

I'm honest to myself in my thoughts, my weakness and strength. I tried to live authentically and truthful to myself everyday as much as possible. I dont care too much about what other people think about me, but i do aware that my strong characters may not fall under 'pleasing' category in other's definition. Well, Peter called me 'stubborn' all the times, my mom always called me 'the daughter who makes me worried the most' as i'm physically away from home for a good 9 years now. (But seriously, my mom get worried over far too many things, from the oily food i ate, extra stones (definitely not pebbles) which i've gained, to my driving skill etc.); my team members will think that i'm too 'demanding' and being anal over petty things like project timelines.

All in all (good or bad), i do enjoy being me...

However the problem is that it does worry me sometimes that deep down in me, this well fed individualist will slowly transform into an egocentric bastard one day. The flesh (or the brain rather) is hedonistic in nature, and it feels good when you do something you like to do; when you can be self approved rather than rely on others recognition; when you live your life idiosyncratically without having the need of companions to feel complete.

However, I'm glad that i have my love ones and dear Lord to keep me at balance. They've taught me the joy of sharing and communion, that i'm incapable of many things if i am an island; that its ok to have difference opinion but still love each other; that no matter how stubborn i am, they will still accept the person i am. Hence, I do believe that being an individualist who advocates independent course in action and thoughts doesn't mean that she/he is or will eventually become a self absorbed, egotistic narcissist .... as long as you have someone.

Urband Legend

This is a weird 2 (stories)-in-1 blog post. It was supposed to be a fiery post but somewhere along the process, the story took a 180 degree turn and ends with a humorous twist. As weird as it sound, i felt as though i was toyed by own emotions and have to bite back all the mixed feelings. Anyway, read on and you will get what i mean.

I was attending this particular training on Export Requirements and CE Marking (of Medical device) organized by this GLC. Well, it was an all paid for kinda training, conducted at some fancy hotel in the middle of hustle bustle of KL city, plus there was free buffet lunch, and morning tea, and evening high tea, so why not...

Well, its a dry and boring topic and i was battling myself to stay awake until the speaker touched on this particular topic on product liability in CE marking. In EU directory on Product liability, it stated that for for all exported goods, any "damages" caused by defective goods may leads to possible lawsuit. In which for those mortality injuries related case, the compensation is not lower than a whopping 70 millions!

One thing which i need to clarify before continue this is that in Quality Assurance terminology, "defect" does not necessarily means faulty, but considered as 'not safe' as the general public is entitled to expect (from the user instruction, labeling etc.)

The speaker quoting this supposedly well known lawsuit which happens in the states to strengthen his case on the product liability subject. An old lady trying to dry her poodle after a bath, she was in a hurry hence she put the poodle into a microwave (thinking that technology do wonders).

The poor thing was poodle no more.

The end.... not quite yet, the traumatized lady went to sue the microwave manufacturer for not putting up "do not microwave your pets" in the user instruction, and won millions.

Everyone was laughing at the story, except me.... in fact i was furious.

Do you think the woman was justified to receive the compensation due to "inadequate user instruction" of the microwave? Hell NO! Because its a sheer stupidity! How can a person be compensated for her own stupidity? Its even more stupid for the jury to allow the lady to take advantages of the loophole in the legislation framework. In my definition, for such cases, stupidity IS a crime. The owner should not only be punished because of her animal abuse act, but also on her attempt to beat the system and make a quick buck out of it.

Another classic examples was discussed: Cigarette smoker and Lung cancer.

It was a clear cut causal relationship between the lung cancer and cigarette smoking. But how on earth there was no lung cancer patient ever successfully sued Dunhill or Marlboro in human history?

The answer is because the smoker never use the same brand of cigarettes throughout their smoking history. In order to sue the manufacturer, the injured person must prove the the causal relationship between the damage and the defect of that specific (brand of the) product. In another words, using the particular brand of cigarette leads to lung cancer.

Again, another example of sheer stupidity! The cigarette companies just maneuver themselves through the system's loopholes and get away with no sweat at all. Whether its to the consumer or to the businessman's advantage, the fact that people can manipulate the truth and fool the legislation system to their whim and fancy is simply stupid.

Example 3, another lady won $2.9 million against McDonald's for spilling a cup of coffee on herself while driving, the accuse was the hot coffee was not labeled as hot.

Do i need to repeat THE word again?

.......

Ok, here come the twist.

I'm still in rage as i spill out the boiling emotions in me words by words ...... until i googled "poodle in microwave". It was like a sudden cold shower treatment and i dont know whether to swear or to laugh.

Poodle in the microwave story is an URBAN LEGEND , a.k.a. an apocryphal, wild exaggerations or a simple hoax which made to believe or plausible enough to be believed.

They even have a photo for it, there goes my photoshoped image

Mr. Google continue to enlighten me that these stories which purport to be geniune legal cases, are phoney lawsuit labelled as stories of Stella Award. The Stella came after a genuine litigant, Stella Lieback which really did sue McDonals's over the coffee spillage, BUT, the truth and nothing but the truth was she didnt win the 2.9 millions and she was severly (third degree) burnt.

Hence, the system wasnt that stupid after all. In fact, the Association of Trial Lawyers of America (ATLA) is upset about the misinformation which undermine the people confidence in the legal system and litigation.

So, i was angry and bewildered with all these excessive emotions, for absolutely nothing. The morale of the story:

One, ALWAYS Read the fine print of user instruction in product packaging

And Two, ..... never believe what Quality Assurance Consultant tells you, although he (self) claimed that he has 20 years field experience.

E2 Why my Job is insanely.... NUTS

Episode 2 of Season 1 Why my Job is insanely (driving me) NUTS.

I was watching "The proposal" a few nights ago. I cant contained my laughter when it reached the scene in the wood where Margaret (Sandra Bullock) turned a Native American thanksgiving dance into some hilarious rapper bogey dance with Gammy.

And somewhere between the laughter and my junk food, a thought sprang up.

With all the headaches of the delays in project deliverables which my team members are giving me now, can this project manager do some kind of rain dance during the weekly team meeting so that the team can deliver on time?

"To the project! To the Bangalore!
Till my team re-turn my calls!
all my cli-ents crawl!"

.....

I'm officially walking down the road of insanity.