Frustration. I know its not reasonable to feel this way, but if i had to rationalize all my feeling into a confined reasonable way, that is pathetic. If i dont have the free will of living the life i want, at least allow me to think whatever i wish to think.
I've been waiting for his call for the whole day, but when i really get to talk to him when he called, i just felt the urge of wanting to hang up the phone. Its like we tried to finish off with the routine report of what we do today, who we meet today, what we gonna do tomorrow, and that's it. the silence will trailing behind as we run out of topic. I just felt that this kind of phone to phone conversation are useless, the everyday routine report we did is meaningless. I need the closeness, the sharing, the intimacy, but somehow, i can't feel either one of it.
i recognized the feeling and the situation too well. it is exactly what happened last time with Uking. i dunno since when we started to talk only about our friends, church activities and etc. we didnt share each other feelings anymore, we didnt talk about oursleves anymore, and without realizing, he had turn into a blurr image that i can hardly recall how he look like, an image that i can't relate to someone i loved so much last time, an image that cannot make my heart beat in the same frequency as old days, an image that i can't recognize at all. I'm really trying, but i just can't suppress the dissapoinment which seems to be overflowing day by day. I hate this kind of communication, it mirrors the truth of how distant we are from each other.
I hang up the phone straightly after he said good bye, without giving him a chance to say he miss me and he loves me. I dont want to hear it when he really didint mean it, i dont want such a meaningful words to be said just because it has become a usuality, a habit. I really miss those moments when he hold me tight, look into my eyes and whisper that he loves me, cuz' thats when i know he really mean it, thats when i will feel the same way as him.
Depressing i am, cuz' i will never ever allow myself fall into that kind of dillemma again. thats what i told myself after i broke up with Uking. the dissapoinment and frustration are too much to bear, i felt suffocating for that 10 months and when i get to breath again, the aching is still there, it is something that i can never let go for the rest of my life, something that i regretted so much i wish i never met him before.
i felt hopeless, cuz' i know he felt nothing and know nothing for what i feel now.
He keep teling me if i had the will, sure i can overcome this , if both of us do our part, sure our relationship will able to stay strong. But i really scared that i will dissapoint him eventually, If the intense feeling is too much to bear, i might choose to give up. although my consciousness telling me that i must not screw up this time, but my heart telling me that i'm too tired to try for the second time, that i had lose faith in loving someone wholeheartly.
i'm really unhappy, cuz' i know exactly what will happen in another 2 months time, so, i'll get used to something that i not used to: the seldom phone calls, the ache of being so far away fom each other, the loneliness, the dissapointment, the endlesss waiting and finally, the day that will never come.
I've been waiting for his call for the whole day, but when i really get to talk to him when he called, i just felt the urge of wanting to hang up the phone. Its like we tried to finish off with the routine report of what we do today, who we meet today, what we gonna do tomorrow, and that's it. the silence will trailing behind as we run out of topic. I just felt that this kind of phone to phone conversation are useless, the everyday routine report we did is meaningless. I need the closeness, the sharing, the intimacy, but somehow, i can't feel either one of it.
i recognized the feeling and the situation too well. it is exactly what happened last time with Uking. i dunno since when we started to talk only about our friends, church activities and etc. we didnt share each other feelings anymore, we didnt talk about oursleves anymore, and without realizing, he had turn into a blurr image that i can hardly recall how he look like, an image that i can't relate to someone i loved so much last time, an image that cannot make my heart beat in the same frequency as old days, an image that i can't recognize at all. I'm really trying, but i just can't suppress the dissapoinment which seems to be overflowing day by day. I hate this kind of communication, it mirrors the truth of how distant we are from each other.
I hang up the phone straightly after he said good bye, without giving him a chance to say he miss me and he loves me. I dont want to hear it when he really didint mean it, i dont want such a meaningful words to be said just because it has become a usuality, a habit. I really miss those moments when he hold me tight, look into my eyes and whisper that he loves me, cuz' thats when i know he really mean it, thats when i will feel the same way as him.
Depressing i am, cuz' i will never ever allow myself fall into that kind of dillemma again. thats what i told myself after i broke up with Uking. the dissapoinment and frustration are too much to bear, i felt suffocating for that 10 months and when i get to breath again, the aching is still there, it is something that i can never let go for the rest of my life, something that i regretted so much i wish i never met him before.
i felt hopeless, cuz' i know he felt nothing and know nothing for what i feel now.
He keep teling me if i had the will, sure i can overcome this , if both of us do our part, sure our relationship will able to stay strong. But i really scared that i will dissapoint him eventually, If the intense feeling is too much to bear, i might choose to give up. although my consciousness telling me that i must not screw up this time, but my heart telling me that i'm too tired to try for the second time, that i had lose faith in loving someone wholeheartly.
i'm really unhappy, cuz' i know exactly what will happen in another 2 months time, so, i'll get used to something that i not used to: the seldom phone calls, the ache of being so far away fom each other, the loneliness, the dissapointment, the endlesss waiting and finally, the day that will never come.
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