Lost

I hate being so far away from my love, with the distance of South China Sea between us, I feel like thousand miles away from him. Though i can still talk to him through phone, but it really doesn’t make any difference, it can’t even ease a single little bit of miss I felt for him. Its like I can’t feel his presence in my life anymore, I read his letter over and over again, and I felt nothing but pain and the urge to cry. This is not some jiwang stuff that I write simply, i really mean it, its pathetic, its helpless, if I continue to feel this way, I dunno how long I can survive, if the pain of missing a person is too difficult to bear, I might choose to detach the feeling. I hate myself for thinking in that way, but its helpless and I hope its not hopeless.

i still cant figure out why i have no faith for the whole relationship, the deeper i felt for him, the more insecure i am. i trust him, with all my heart. and i knew that he is a man of his words, he hold on to his promise, persistent and always patient. But the point is, i'm never that kind of person. i have no patient at all, especially when it comes to waiting, sometime i'm quite edgy and used to throw tantrum to my close one. although i didnt shout or wack anyone before, but i'm really good at staying silence, remain emotionless and shutting myself in the closet, and i know sometime not speaking at all is worse than yelling and quarelling. Furthermore, i have history of breaking my promise, last time i told uking i will wait for him, well, the day never come.

i can never figure out why he felt so much for such a terrible person like me, sometime i just dont think i worth to be loved by him. During these two months, we never really have serious aguments at all, mostly because he is so patient with me, even at times when i'm depressed and dont feel like talking at all, i know he will always stand there, patiently waiting for me.

maybe insecurities and unsure feelings comes along with commitment.cuz' the more you care, the more you afraid to lose. and somehow this reminds me of how i phobic of commitment.

Being commit so deeply to someone is nothing great,
cuz' emotionally attached to someone makes you felt weak,
cuz' constantly think of someone makes you lose your concentration,
cuz' being too close to someone makes you become less and less yourself.
i know if i stay longer in KL, i wont be able to leave him to pursue my dream anymore, i will be too dependent on him, i will lose my courage to go alone.

how can love being so achingly confused and so awfully sweet at the same time?