desperation

(T.T)
it has been a long long night,
my tears falls in exaperation,
my heart torn into pieces,
sorry mom, i'm really really sorry,
i had never meant to make you sad,
i know i had dissapointed you by saying you and dad dont understand me,
i know i had broke your heart by saying you didnt support me,
but you know its just craps that came out from my mouth without going thru' my brain,
its as meaningless as a muscle stretch reflex reaction,
how i ever dare to cast the blame on you,
you are my mom, my family,
i'll never stand against my family,
i love you guys so much until i can give up my dream,
i will not going to UK if you say no,
i had craved for your recognition since the day i was borned,
and i still striving very hard today....
i knew you really listen to me when you said you will talk to daddy about this,
i'm really sorry to push you to this far,
it's just that i had suppressed the despairment and anguish for so long,
without realizing, it snowballing in fits of tit for tat,
and the outcoming is some bloody fool accusation and harsh words,
i'm really sorry for being a jerk,
you know i love you,
i always do.

Cried again after the phone call,
In front of you, Cp
though you never knew from the distance of miles away,
You are the only one that I can turn to,
I cant talk to peter about this,
Cuz’ although he always tell me I should do what is the best for me,
And he would support every decision that I’ve made,
But I know he will be devastated,
He would still say "never mind, as long as you are happy"
even though he really dont want to utter those words,
I started to felt guilty myself,
Where the hell I put my relationship at?
how can i totally ignore the fact that the fate of our relationship is bleak if i decided to go,
my failure with uking already proved that long distance realationship can never be worked,
why would i wanna went through the whole desperation and struggling again?
i felt selfish and hypocrite,
cuz' i'm trying to show my affectionate more to him later that night in order to shield my guiltiness.
i'm scared that he found out i talk to you instead of him,
cuz' i knew the left out feeling when your one communicates to someone else about an issue that you feel that you should know.
But CP,
i'm glad its just you,
i'm glad i had talked to you about the whole matter,
you understand me more than anyone in this world.