I write...

I write not to convince, to convert, to persuade or to inspire.
Although sometimes you may choose my writings to convince, convert, persuade or inspire you.

I did neither write to criticize, to contradict or to disagree nor even to agree.
Although sometimes you may find my words contradicting, critical, disagrees or even argue with yours.

I did neither write to define what is good or what is not good, what is moral or what is immoral or to set new standard although you might find it that way.

I write to express and to clarify my thoughts, feelings and experience in Words.
I write to better understand my self and my world in Words.
I write to discover new realities from others.
I write to learn, to grow and to create and re-create my reality in words.
I write to discover and rediscover my self and my world in Words.

Why did i blog

Read my kokker friend's blog (no life blogger) just now, they are hitting the 10000 loyal visits in only a year, I would say thats quite an achievement. By the way, that really prove a thing, people like to peek at other people's life, curiosity indeed kills the cat, that's human nature. It is ironic when all the while we are wondering how other's life goes everyday, we didn't realized they live exactly the same life as we had. Same 7 days a week, same 24 hours a day, same route of sleeping-working-eating-sleeping, but other's life is always seems to be more interesting than ours, i wonder why that so. Well, it really makes me think why did i blog in the first place anyway.

Open the memory book, i remember the effort starts in the final third of my 21st year. For a long time I carried all those precious memories in my brain, store it in soft copy and so whenever I feel fine I just have to retrieve and replay it. But ironically I find that this unlimited-capacity-brain sometime can be really choosy and fussy, well, it ONLY selectively store some of the incidents while ignoring other insignificant one. Moreover, as time flies, some of the memories will faded by it self. Well, driven by the urgency of wanting to keep the memories last longer, i keenly started to blog. It seems presumptuous to think that my life's notes will have any value once I am gone. But at least after 100 years my cucu and cici will read through this and feel impress that their great great grandmother did lived a crazy life also.

Sometimes, i just felt that blogging is like talking to oneself in the mirror, you knew all those feelings and thought, but when you put it all into words, it can help us to concentrate, to get in touch with the deepest stirrings of our hearts, to clarify our minds, to process confusing emotions, to reflect on our experiences, to give artistic expression to what we are living, and to store significant events in our memories. Moreover, a Blog is more than a mirror, i think. It is a tool to reflect on experience and assess their significance.

For once i thought i have nothing original to write. Whatever i might write someone else has already write it. But each human being is unique and original, and nobody has lived what i had lived, so it really doesn't matter how well actually other write compare to me, its the expression of the mind and feelings that is mattered, and that's already a unique. While there are many pages of my journals I once hope no one but those closest to me would ever read, I guess i have stopped worrying about the potential exposure. Anyone who wishes to know can find out my worst secrets anyway. The self-consciousness? It simply went away over the time. and somehow, blogging really help me to express myself more bravely and openly.

Would i stop blogging one day? maybe yes and maybe no, but for this moment, hell no.

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delete reply pohmui wrote on Mar 23, '05 yes.. you had my little heart's voices out. that is actually some of the reason y i started a blog anyway.. erm.. well, curiousity does kill a cat. but i wonder is that the reason y the cats have 9 lifes? anyway, human are even curious, or else no technologies like this ever existed.

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edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Mar 24, '05 pohmui said yes.. you had my little heart's voices out. that is actually some of the reason y i started a blog anyway.. erm.. well, curiousity does kill a cat. but i wonder is that the reason y the cats have 9 lifes? anyway, human are even curious, or else no technologies like this ever existed. hehe, we are all curious little miao, anyway let us keep the blogging spirit alive !!!

delete reply nightscamp wrote on Mar 24, '05 I totally agree with you. Whatever you write would be original as long as it's from you. It doesn't matter if it sounds a little like something someone else would have done.. Hell, it's still you, it's still different, you can't do something the exact same way someone else does it. That's why romance novels and movies never die. People fall in love in all sorts of different ways, and some may be similar but it's not the same. You enjoy it anyhow. It's an experience. It's LIFE! ENJOY IT! *hugs* ~Lanis

delete reply lyonlionel wrote on Mar 24, '05 it's just a way to say or do what you cannot really do in real life.

I wonder if you really know....

I wonder if you really know How I actually feel,
or the sounds I long to hear,
or the visions only I can see?

I wonder if you really know how close I want us to be?
I wish i can utter all my longings into words,
telling you "i love you" each and every day.

The truth being,
sometimes I have trouble showing you my true affection.
If I could hold you close to my heart,
that is euphoria.

I care so much about you,
that why I find it hard to openly express my desired intentions.
My love for you is stronger than any heartfelt sentiment I could ever whisper to your ear.
If my gestures have failed in showing you how much I love you...
Then may these silently spoken words share the love I feel for you.

I wonder if you really know....

when the morning comes

It has been quite sometimes since the last time i had this kind of feeling... awakened by the advent of morning, time momentarily rests... open my eyes and realized that the whole room is still pitch black, solemnly cold and hopeless. Suddenly, i just hope that i dont have to wake up at all...

i was drowned in the endless dreams last night, everything went out quite blurry, but the funny thing is the line from the movie "hitch" keep repeating in my head,it sounds like a whisper, like a monochrome radio that play, rewind, play again, rewind.... well, its a line by Albert, the guy who was hopelessly in love with a high social status girl in the movie Hitch.

"do you know the feeling of hopeless? every morning you wake up and know that she will never sleep in your arms, knowing that she is messing up with the wrong guy and you can do nothing, you love her so much but you can only wish her silently that she find her true happiness one day."

"i felt like wanna die now, the pain is so obvious and great that it makes me wanna jump of from tall buiding. But if the pain is the only thing that makes me stay connected to her, then i will bear the pain, cuz i dont want to forget her."

i had this deja vu sort of feeling, its as if you had all those minds and thoughts scramble and tangled at the core of your heart, once a while you may felt the glimsp of those emotion and desires in a misty way... when i heard those line last night, i felt a hard bang in my heart, cuz' everything went so clearly now, the speech sort out all those thoughts in a proper concrete way, so 'defining' until it freaks the hell out of me.

morning tears of unspoken fear.

Expired

Every person's born with their departure date set,
it's always a round trip, no one way to it.

Everything has it own expired date,
nothing last forever, especially beautiful things.

Flower blossom but wither as the days end.
loves grows but dies as time passed.
passion intensify but fade as years gone by.
every sunrise end with a sunset.

dont say 'forever and ever',
cuz' you have no right to say that when everything has an end,
dont say 'i promise you',
cuz' if it exceed the expired date,
everything will be rotten and degraded.

feel when you still can,
enjoy when you still have,
cuz nothing last forever.

Everything

you bring the raging storms
you tear me from my peace, breaking its very form
you balance fragile me in your hands
you may let me fall, crash, burned and cut by blades of a razor fan
you break the tiring stillness in my heart
you violate my spirit, shattering the once connected pieces apart

how can you leave at the end of every meet
reciting the moments in my head like a creed
How can i stand here with you and not be moved by you
the awe in presence of your skies that are limitless true
How can i not feel any better than this
When you've taken it all away but this feeling of tantalizing bliss

would you take me in
Take me deeper now
you're all i want
you are all i need
you are everything
everything

Copyright@Peter Wilfred Jambu

yesterday,
you accused me of turning your life upside down after you met me,
you said your life isnt the same as before
cuz' i had tearing your heart into pieces.
Babe, sorry for letting you wait so long,
i love you.

atlantisian

Whats your name means?

It was a damn hectic 37 degrees celscius afternoon, my room is like a gigantic oven and i felt like a pathetic pig who is waiting to get roasted. I really hope to have some rain in my life soon, to refresh the haziness in my mind and soul, or else not only my skin will started to have winkles (a.k.a kedut) due to dehydration, my brain will also go numb and sooner or later i'll have my brain retarded.

Back to my point, it was a boring afternoon, so me and friends try to play some silly games, well, we try to find acronym on each other names, so here goes my name.

Surprisingly
Unbelievably
Sweet
And
Naive


hmmm....sound so like me right? smiley("angel"); how about this one, maybe this suit me more.

Sweetishly
Unbalanced
Sexy
Animal
Noob


But, please, certainly not this one:

Silly
Unbearable
Sentences
Along
Noobness


But, it did prove one thing, maybe i'm really a noob, but definitely a sweet noob.

So people out there, give your grey matter a task to do, find acronym for your name too, well, you may also refer to goquiz.com

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delete reply nightscamp wrote on Mar 17, '05 Sweet, certainly... :)

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Mar 17, '05 nightscamp said Sweet, certainly... :) thanx for the compliment...

I love you

To say, "I love you," at the wrong moment would just be words without meaning.
Too often, we find ourselves speaking in unpleasant terms.
Sometimes...we communicate by way of quarrel.
I realize we will have differences that go unresolved.
I understand the personal struggles and discomforts we'll share together during our commitment to one another.
What I want you to know is this...
When I say, "I love you," you will know my true feelings
as I look deep into your eyes and gently touch you,
that those three words come straight from my heart.
They are the most meaningful words I will ever say to you.

Waiting...

The whole process of job hunting is really getting on my nerves. what i am asking is just a temporary job with average pay but dunno why the thing turns out to be so damn irritating and difficult. it's not that i got jitters towards THE thing called interview, in fact i am quite a pro when it comes to that area now, i had a set of answers in my mind even before the recruitment consultants ask me the questions. all those petty Q&A section is just like swapping a fly. Ok, maybe i'm a little bit too much, anyway, i just wanna vent my frustration, please bear with my grandiose expression.

The point is i hate the endless waiting after the interview. "miss, we will reach you soon, please wait for our calls" or "miss, we will call you soon" and blah blah blah.... The thing is they never call up SOON. So, can't blame me for being impatient, the feeling is snowballing in fits of tit-for-tat and it just a matter of time before it started to consume me.

Went to another job interview at OSK bank today, the manager seems to be pretty ok with me, but the fact that the person in charge of the department that i will attached to is off for travelling for the next two weeks, so i can only 100% confirm that the job is in my grab before 1st of April. which means more waiting.... (T.T)

Well, the Sir that interviewing me today is really knowledgable and respectable, have a really nice talk with him. But, the tough part of it is when he asked me to wrote an assay with the title "my future" on spot in 10 minutes. Well, this is what i wrote in that critical 600 seconds.

My future"Future is something that is totally unpredictable for me, because there are alot of possibilities there waiting to be discovered. But, what i'm really sure is, no matter what field i'm indulged in, i will always strive for the best. Its not that i'm the ambitious type of person, well, if the best are waiting there for you to grab, why settle for the second best?

I will most likely enrolled in biology field in the future, a scientist or a researcher perhaps, i can always go for nutrition or biotechnology field, do things that i really interested in and apply the knowledge that i had into something that is real. Science is such a diverse field, there are still a lot of mysteries and blindspot that remains undiscovered. i think the passion for the knowledge itself is the drive that makes me want to be excel in the career. learning is a life long process, in order to have a zest towards the job, you must at least be enthusiastic in it. Some people may think money and materialistic pleasure is the prime motive and aspiration of their jobs, but for me, those are rewards, a bonus that comes a long with the real satisfaction you gained from your jobs.

In conclusion, i think i want to live my future with passion and purpose."

So, there you have it, the burst of my thoughts into words, i merely have time to read through what i wrote, every words came out in a knee jerk reflex. and the response i get is "hmm... good, sounds poetic, even have rhymes..."

Drats! smiley("furious3");

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delete reply lyonlionel wrote on Mar 16, '05 With the economy of asia still in rumbles and said to be on the slow rise, it will take some time before we can all really secure ourselves a job. nothing is even easy for college graduate nowadays. do not give up. I believe in you.

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Mar 16, '05 lyonlionel said With the economy of asia still in rumbles and said to be on the slow rise, it will take some time before we can all really secure ourselves a job. nothing is even easy for college graduate nowadays. do not give up. I believe in you. thanx for the support, things really getting hectic and restless when everything was done under 37 degress celcius, guess the same thing goes on in singapore, nice chat with you yesterday.

delete reply lyonlionel wrote on Mar 16, '05 heh heh.... you mean the day before, Susan.

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Mar 16, '05 lyonlionel said heh heh.... you mean the day before, Susan. oppss... short term amnesia, blame it all to the hectic weather! hehe..

delete reply craziivan wrote on Mar 16, '05 Hmmm....fascinating, telling them you are intrested in being in science when you are applying for a job in commerce. But still, the passion bit was pretty good, so did he ask you:'How much passion are you willing to give for your future?'?

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Mar 16, '05 craziivan said Hmmm....fascinating, telling them you are intrested in being in science when you are applying for a job in commerce. But still, the passion bit was pretty good, so did he ask you:'How much passion are you willing to give for your future?'? a-bo-then? actually he just wanna test my english writting skill, whether i use broken english or not, so doesnt matter what i write anyway. hei, i've decided to go for the MBA roadshow, wanna join?

delete reply nightscamp wrote on Mar 16, '05 Hey, I know what you're going through. I was looking for a temp job as well, or just something to freaking do freelance, I even thought, maybe I'll give up and just go try get a waitressing job then. hahahah Just tired of not having a job while I wait for the pending University decision. If I think about it too much it would indeed drive me nuts! So I totally understand your frustration. If Biology is actually your field, can you or did you try to apply to Universities? You could probably get a job there then depeding on your qualification, as apprentice at least... That would pave the way for you to urther in biology then. Well, whatever you decide, I wish you all the best! *hugs* Keep trying and don't give up! ~Lanis

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Mar 16, '05 nightscamp said Hey, I know what you're going through. I was looking for a temp job as well, or just something to freaking do freelance, I even thought, maybe I'll give up and just go try get a waitressing job then. hahahah Just tired of not having a job while I wait for the pending University decision. If I think about it too much it would indeed drive me nuts! So I totally understand your frustration. If Biology is actually your field, can you or did you try to apply to Universities? You could probably get a job there then depeding on your qualification, as apprentice at least... That would pave the way for you to urther in biology then. Well, whatever you decide, I wish you all the best! *hugs* Keep trying and don't give up! ~Lanis actually i'm apply for further studies in UK, that's why i go for temporary job... thank you for being encouranging, i'm really crappy when frustrated...

delete reply banana2 wrote on Mar 18, '05 actually the waiting is kinda art... u can learn how to be patient while u wait...

desperation

(T.T)
it has been a long long night,
my tears falls in exaperation,
my heart torn into pieces,
sorry mom, i'm really really sorry,
i had never meant to make you sad,
i know i had dissapointed you by saying you and dad dont understand me,
i know i had broke your heart by saying you didnt support me,
but you know its just craps that came out from my mouth without going thru' my brain,
its as meaningless as a muscle stretch reflex reaction,
how i ever dare to cast the blame on you,
you are my mom, my family,
i'll never stand against my family,
i love you guys so much until i can give up my dream,
i will not going to UK if you say no,
i had craved for your recognition since the day i was borned,
and i still striving very hard today....
i knew you really listen to me when you said you will talk to daddy about this,
i'm really sorry to push you to this far,
it's just that i had suppressed the despairment and anguish for so long,
without realizing, it snowballing in fits of tit for tat,
and the outcoming is some bloody fool accusation and harsh words,
i'm really sorry for being a jerk,
you know i love you,
i always do.

Cried again after the phone call,
In front of you, Cp
though you never knew from the distance of miles away,
You are the only one that I can turn to,
I cant talk to peter about this,
Cuz’ although he always tell me I should do what is the best for me,
And he would support every decision that I’ve made,
But I know he will be devastated,
He would still say "never mind, as long as you are happy"
even though he really dont want to utter those words,
I started to felt guilty myself,
Where the hell I put my relationship at?
how can i totally ignore the fact that the fate of our relationship is bleak if i decided to go,
my failure with uking already proved that long distance realationship can never be worked,
why would i wanna went through the whole desperation and struggling again?
i felt selfish and hypocrite,
cuz' i'm trying to show my affectionate more to him later that night in order to shield my guiltiness.
i'm scared that he found out i talk to you instead of him,
cuz' i knew the left out feeling when your one communicates to someone else about an issue that you feel that you should know.
But CP,
i'm glad its just you,
i'm glad i had talked to you about the whole matter,
you understand me more than anyone in this world.

show me the meaning of being lonely

LOnely,
is this the feeling i need to walk with forever?

you've become really important to me,
almost unnervingly so.
i know you are there,
always....
but you are still missing in my heart,
Tell me why I can't be there where you are.
paradox....

i cant really explain it all through words,
when we went out for yumming last night,
you are there beside me,
but,
suddenly i felt the loneliness again,
the insecurity is drowning me,
the darkness is consuming me again.

i know its my problem all along,
i went depressed at the most unexpected time,
with no particular reason at all.
I'm very rarely alone in the sense that another person's physical presence is usually with me.
Then again, sometimes no matter where I go or who I'm with,
I'm alone.
I can be in a room with a hundred people and still I'm completely alone.
i dunno why,
i just can't control it,
its just me,
maybe its something i had to live with for the rest of my life.

PLease,
show me the meaning of being lonely.

Love

Life can be really ironic sometime,
its like a game, we have to just play along with it.
We all are like on a chess board waiting for our Lord to move his pieces..
that is why everything happen for a reason.
At the end of the day,
Our dear Lord will move all pieces as he pleases so that we will meet with the ultimate happiness,
and in order to do so,
much we have to go through.

i have never thought that one day i might fall for him,
But God knew it all along,
leading me step by step into the direction,
untill i cant get out from his embrace anymore,
i have been mushily in love for two days now,
so unreal and unrealistic may it sound,
but the intense happiness i felt telling me it's real!

i have to say,
Love is one part in life where no books nor friends can help you to understand,
if you never feel the heartache before,
then you are never really fall in love before,
for i have been through the worst..
i'm glad that although i've give up on finding the true love after the failure of last relationship,
but he never give up on finding me.
and yes, he had found me.

To my friend, Lyon,
i wish i can say all this petty stuff its like swapping a fly,
but its not,
i have went through a lot of struggle and heartache,
both of us had stray away from each other,
even nearly give up on each other.....
but, thank God we realized this is too precious for us to give up.
Listen to what your heart says,
dont let the passiveness takes control you forever,
the past maybe still haunt you,
but you know you are a free man,
because love can set you free.

Job Bitching

administrative officer/customer service=forex consultant?!??

what the heck???? i have been underwent an interview for the post of temporary admin officer, and you can never guess what kind of trouble i get myself into. i've been ask to do all the market prediction on forex/ currency exchange and consulting clients on financial matters. Darned! what's the relation between the two jobs after all, this is completely violation of words, to cheat naive freshly graduate like me to persuade people give out 20k willingly so that i can play around with it, buy in and sell out, so that money can produce even big money? drats! anyway, i cabut after first day training.

So people out there, don't believe everything that write in the recruitement page in star newspaper, and dont believe those eye-catching line"RM2000 and above, without experience", there are no such thing as shortcut for making big bucks!

By the way, this is for those who had started to work 9 to 6 everyday since the fifth day of chinese new year. Yup, Eric, i'm reffering to you.

8 Reasons why you should Leave Work At 6.00p.m
1.Employment letter stated working hours ended at 6.

2.works is a never ending process even if you stay until next morning you will still never finish it.

3. Human are not robots.

4.You love your career but your family is more important.

5.You dont want to screw up or make your life miserable because of your job.

6.Monthly salary= work from 9am-6pm.
If 630pm= $0.00+0 bonus+0 ang pow+bad health+bad social life+ poor family relationship
equal to= unproductive employee+performance drop+company reputation drop+retrenchment rate increase+resignation rate increases.

7. If a person disagree to above formulation, we think he/she is a loser who has no life, heartless(for making people that go back punctually at 6pm look bad), doomed workaholic.

8. you dont give it a damned if your boss fires you. "Dong ka umm Da, Da sai ga!"

Happy working! smiley("hippy");

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delete reply lyonlionel wrote on Mar 7, '05, edited on Mar 7, '05 As Jerry Maguire had said: "We live in a cynical world of tough competitors." Nevertheless, good luck with a job soon.

delete reply craziivan wrote on Mar 8, '05 Suz suz suz, now u gotta real job: conning people of their hard earned life savings. Btw, would it be beyond you to misplace a loose amount of cash, saaay....70000,so i can use it to further my studies? C'mon, its for a good cause. Anyway, 'Job Bitching' is my title!!! Sigh, suppose I should start heeding the government's call and start preserving intellectual property rights.

delete reply eugenetwj wrote on Mar 8, '05 Now we have an Uncreative Susan. How sad.

delete reply pohmui wrote on Mar 8, '05 wahaha a responsive article, that is straight out of the point from the article..

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Mar 9, '05 eugenetwj said Now we have an Uncreative Susan. How sad. maybe i should change the title then, what about job shitting? or sucky 'jobbing' , hehehe... Eugene u should come out with something soon, dont let your brain hibernate....

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Mar 9, '05 craziivan said Suz suz suz, now u gotta real job: conning people of their hard earned life savings. Btw, would it be beyond you to misplace a loose amount of cash, saaay....70000,so i can use it to further my studies? C'mon, its for a good cause. Anyway, 'Job Bitching' is my title!!! Sigh, suppose I should start heeding the government's call and start preserving intellectual property rights. dear CP, write me an assay on "100 reason why suz should give me 70K", then i might consider it... hehehe. (>1000 words, due date: today)

delete reply craziivan wrote on Mar 9, '05, edited on Mar 9, '05 Well Suz, Id like to say that a >1000 word essay isnt possible on multiply. However, its not impossible via other means, though. BUT....I need it in black and white that Im gonna get the cash for my effort. So if its not too much trouble kindly sign the following: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I, Susan Ong Sue Meng, hereby agree to hand over RM70000 to the hunky OCP upon completion of his >1000 word '100 reasons for giving me 70000'. Failure of payment would result in me being eternally bonded to the whims and fancies of OCP. ----------------------- (signature here) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

delete reply eugenetwj wrote on Mar 9, '05 Contract void due to several mistakes. 1. OCP aint hunky. 2. OCP aint hunky. 3. OCP aint hunky.

delete reply pohmui wrote on Mar 9, '05 hunky huh?

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Mar 9, '05 craziivan said Well Suz, Id like to say that a >1000 word essay isnt possible on multiply. However, its not impossible via other means, though. BUT....I need it in black and white that Im gonna get the cash for my effort. So if its not too much trouble kindly sign the following: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I, Susan Ong Sue Meng, hereby agree to hand over RM70000 to the hunky OCP upon completion of his >1000 word '100 reasons for giving me 70000'. Failure of payment would result in me being eternally bonded to the whims and fancies of OCP. ----------------------- (signature here) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- more mistakes! You spell my name wrongly!! ngeee..... you are disqualified! Ps: you see, i'm not the only one that says your are not hunky, hehehe...

delete reply banana2 wrote on Mar 10, '05 LOL hopefully everyone is lucky enough to have a job that is satisfying lah ur formulation is quite interesting, however if 9am to 5pm, then it will be better...

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Mar 11, '05 banana2 said LOL hopefully everyone is lucky enough to have a job that is satisfying lah ur formulation is quite interesting, however if 9am to 5pm, then it will be better... sure right... wanna know something more extreme than this? 11pm to 7am, lab assistant in path lab, no bluffing.

delete reply eugenetwj wrote on Mar 11, '05 atlantisian said sure right... wanna know something more extreme than this? 11pm to 7am, lab assistant in path lab, no bluffing. Night shift? The hours aint long, just 8 hours. And since it at night where the bosses arent awake, you can grab some free time as you wish.