a no means no

i have been hiding behind the wonderful-me mask for so long, that i even dont recognize myself anymore, i thought i would become the person that i want to be if i hide behind the utopia-image that i've created myself long enough, well, it sort of successful cuz' i fool everyone..... except myself.

how can it feels so hurt when i thought i'm numb, why can i still felt the heart tearing shear when i thought i'm already immune to dissapointment and sadness. all these years, i've been trying to be good, trying to be the decent me, trying to suppress my own emotion and will, trying to be good friends to everyone, a daughter that makes my parents proud, a leader that never fail, trying to be the person that others want me to be... i always try to do that, sincerely, cuz' i think i had received too much, i'm so blessed by the almighty, thus in return, i have to make and prove myself that i am good and worthy enough for all the goodness i received. i had always afraid that i'm not doing good enough, or does not meet the expectation of others, i hate people felt dissapoint for me, and for my whole life, i didn't make any big mistake, i have not done something that bring regrets and shame to my family and friends. but tell you what, after all those years of effort, i had screw up myself.

people didnt take my weakness seriously anymore, cuz' they know i will stand up by my own, people think that i'm the wonder me, never cease to do my best, but they never sees the effort, tears and endless sleepless night that i have went through for the so called success that i have today, people think that i'm the confident one with endless zest for life and forever going turbo, but they don't know i'm scared to death that someone will discovered my insecurity, my emptiness, my incapabilities. i'm not asking for any mercy or pity here, in fact i hate those who always think that people should care for him/her, be by her side 24 hours a day but never try to take the initiative to solve their own problem and care for others first. I hate to confess all this out, and my tears silently flow down my cheek as i do so. i dont cry for you to understand me, cuz' i never let anyone understand me anyway, i hate being judged under your microscopic lens.

so, what's the big fuss if i had done something wrong? what's the big deal if i say "no"? a no means a no, it's seriously a no, why do you think that after i say no, i will still drag myself to do it for the sake of satisfying something that is not my business. helping is indeed a great virtue, but when i'm unable to do so, i say no.

i love God, forever and ever, cuz he is the only one that accept me for the weakness in me, the one that appreciates me as me, the one that love me as me. Please dont assume that i crawl out from the wonderful-me pretendence bacause i have encounter spiritual anxiety, it's totally the opposite, i had just came to realize that i have to be honest to myself, i'm no perfect for everyone, i'm a sinner, a pessimist, a wrack, but God accept me as me, and that's more than enough. I wanna live MY life, for the very first time in my life, just for myself and for His gloriness. no pretendance, no mask....

Good bye, the ever 'yes' me,
Good bye, the ever willing-to-help me,
Good bye, the 24-7 l'll-be-there-for-you me,
Good bye, the i'm-not-angry-at-all me.

This is who i am, accept me, or leave me alone.