The post molting

The most difficult lesson i learnt everytime i underwent the molting process of my life is saying good bye. The funny things is, there is no such thing as learning from experience, like the snakes and crustacea shedding it's skin for ecdysis and transformation, each time, it gets harder and harder to do so as you become older....

'Good bye' is always harder than 'hello', cuz' as the word come out from your mouth, it come along with some emotional attachment as well. You say good bye when the sun goes down and the day had ended, you say good bye when a friendship had reached to a fullstop, you say good bye when the duration of your presence in the certain event, time and place had reached a due date. you said good bye when everything great had came to The End.

But still, these are nothin when it compares to the fact that you say good bye with a piece of your heart forever missing to that person you said good bye to. i tend to get emotional and maybe a little bit sensual when it comes to say good bye, knowing the fact that maybe there will be a possibility that "see you next time" is just a blaff, maybe there will be no 'sometime, somewhere, someplace' for us in the future.... The future is unpredictable, how can you so sure that this is actually not the end?

Life is ironic. Everything is conditioned in a way that it seems to be unconditioned, well, if we never gonna have the chance to meet each other again in the future, at least please spare a few moment to read through my final words...

"it has been great to know you guys, i've came to realized that the great measures of blessing in these four years of my life in KL actually came from you all. without you, i really dunno how can i survive thru' this, words simply cannot utter how appreciate i am. The only thing i can promise you is not 'we will meet again someday' ,but is 'i'll pray to The Almighty to shower you with blesses and love in each and everyday of your life.' and lastly, GOOD BYE..." ~Atlantisian(29/1/2005)


"I AM GOING"

Play me a chopin's nocture please
expecting some sour notes
slipping from your fingertips
to show your feelings on my leaving

Give me a farewell kiss please
splash a few tears on me too
let me bring a piece of you
as i leaving this present life

Hold my left hand tight please
until i enter the gates of departure hall
Let me bring a drop of your innocent love
as i enter this hypocrite but real world

Wish me Bon voyage please
as i'm leaving on a jet plane
i packed all the splendor in my baggage
as i step into the beginning of my new life

Prev: I felt alive
Next: Discreet thoughts.... or i'm just boring...

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6 CommentsChronological Reverse Threaded

delete reply banana2 wrote on Jan 29, '05 farewell may u and ur family be well and happy

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jan 29, '05 banana2 said farewell may u and ur family be well and happy good bye... anyway, i'll be back to KL soon, during the end of feb gua, so are you going back to home town as well?

delete reply banana2 wrote on Jan 29, '05 atlantisian said good bye... anyway, i'll be back to KL soon, during the end of feb gua, so are you going back to home town as well? yup i will go back to penang

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jan 30, '05 banana2 said yup i will go back to penang see you today, didn't realize ler.... at sungai wang, with Julian and karfook, hehehe.....anyway, have a nice journey while going back...

delete reply lyonlionel wrote on Jan 29, '05, edited on Jan 29, '05 Good Byes are never really easy. Part now with tears of sorrow and may you all reunite one day with tears of joy.

delete reply pohmui wrote on Jan 29, '05 farewell.. good luck and well done.

i'm sorry

i'm happy
i'm happy
i'm happy.....

still feel like sucks and sober although i kept telling myself the line repetitively,
convincing myself something that seems to be impossible to attain at such moment.
such psycology method is meaningless,
keep telling yourself the same thing won't make it feels a single bit more real,
do you know why? cuz' that's a lie....
but, at least things won't get worse than this,
cuz' i'm in the worst state now...

Hypocrite,
try to hide all those passive emotion behind my smile, my 'Happy go lucky' mask,
simply because don't want others to feel miserable as well,
makes no point to let others bear your burden...
this is my viscous life, my wracked reality, my disoriented dimension,
it has nothing to do with others, yes, that's include you too.

i'm gettin edgy nowadays,
unintentionally yelled at Adrian last night,
brother, sorry, sorry, sorry...
i really don't mean that.
it's just that there are something stretching me inside,
pulling me so tight that sometimes it slips,
and the outcome is an outburst of harsh words and improper manner.

sorry, sorry, sorry....
sometimes my emotional anxiety and restlessness take over my rationality,
but please don't worry for me, don't feel bad for me,
i'll restrain it, i'll not let it ruin my remaining pride,
i'll continue to hide it behind my hidden mask,
untill the day i can smile sincerely through my heart again..

i'm happy
i'm happy
i'm happy

but i'm really unhappy...

I felt alive

It was 3 am in the morning…

You maybe wondering what the hack I’m staying until such late night after the third paper on animal developments, would you believe if I tell you the fact that I wish I can see the Sunday’s dawn emerges on the horizontal plane of the earth in another couple of hours? Well, tell you what, I have the sudden urge to do so, see if I can kill the time by blogging anyway.

I had been staying for 4 years in Kuala Lumpur. Thinking about it now, there was no defining moment for me, no turning point to look back at later and say, “Yeah, I remember the exact day when I came to KL and blah blah blah…..” Do you know why? Cuz every single moment counts….

I lived for those countless days and nights whereby I spent consumed in the warmth of the time I spent with my friends. I can close my eyes right now and I’m there. I can feel the cool night air charged with electricity, Black eyes pea’s “where is the love” was playing through the speaker of the illegal VCD hawker stall, and the smell of Teh tarik and the sound of noisy crowd while hanging out with my buddy at BRJ. Sometimes we just sit there, savor the moment, the warm atmosphere and just enjoyed the fact that we were there.

On the nights, sitting somewhere at the chair in front of my block’s compound, I have countless long, lazy, unconditional talk with my close friends. Most of the time, I didn’t want it all to end that early, so I stayed out there taking in every last bit of the night I could get. Sometimes we just sit there in silence, listening to the crickets chirping and the last piece of night dying out, and I’d look into the massive dark sky at all those stars and feel… small. But I never felt alone. I may have looked lonely, but I never felt insignificant or alone. Sometimes letting my mind wander and I was suddenly glad it was just me. I'm very rarely alone in the sense that another person's physical presence is usually with me. Then again, sometimes no matter where I go or who I'm with, I'm alone. I can be in a room with a hundred people and still I'm completely alone. Maybe I'm just starting to get comfortable with it.

Sitting out here on the chair and looking at the stars reminded me of the way I felt during four years of my life in KL. Suddenly i had a great urgency to take in every last bit of the night I could get. I started thinking about all the times I spent late nights at library studying for exam, the usual TARC bus route that I take everyday, the boring and sleepy afternoon tutorial class…I will miss that part of my life.

Although the moments in TARC will soon died out, it struck me that I was looking at the same stars as I did then, and I wondered if I could go back and reclaim that part of myself again. Before I could find an answer though, another question started running through my head. “What makes you feel alive?” I suspect the answer changes over time. I'm not sure exactly what the precise answer is for me, but I long to find it. You spend a lifetime searching and maybe you’ll see something familiar that eventually leads you back home. I don’t think you ever get to an end. Life is lived in circles that you continue to travel over and over again, only in a slightly different way each time. All I know is that at one time in my life, sitting out there in front of my block compound, I felt alive.

Prev: Commitment phobia
Next: The post-molting

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20 CommentsChronological Reverse Threaded

delete reply pohmui wrote on Jan 22, '05 wats life? life just needs to goes on..

delete reply lyonlionel wrote on Jan 22, '05 atlantisian said Life is lived in circles that you continue to travel over and over again, only in a slightly different way each time. It is a vicious circle.

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jan 23, '05 lyonlionel said It is a vicious circle. hmmm... vicious...it's more like a adaptation and immunization to me... i think every stages of my life is like a repeating cycles, (secondary school dayz, form 6, college life, working life...) meeting new people, get along, settled down, then move away again... the feeling is the same... a wheel of life, a wheel of emotional attachment.

delete reply banana2 wrote on Jan 22, '05 if u want to see the dawn, the best time is wait from 6.30 to 7.00 am, no point waiting so early ler. and looking to the stars, moon, cloud, dawn, dusk, street lights are normal ma. u want to feel alive? easy. close ur eyes and take a deep breath, if u feel that u are breathing, it proves that u are alive.

delete reply ahlok2003 wrote on Jan 22, '05 writing and feeling all these prove everyone alive...

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jan 22, '05, edited on Jan 22, '05 banana2 said if u want to see the dawn, the best time is wait from 6.30 to 7.00 am, no point waiting so early ler. and looking to the stars, moon, cloud, dawn, dusk, street lights are normal ma. u want to feel alive? easy. close ur eyes and take a deep breath, if u feel that u are breathing, it proves that u are alive. actually i didn't manage to do so... my eye lids weigh a thousand kg after i finish my blog, ok.. next time i tried at 630am... hei, since you are so good with photography thing, maybe you can take one pic for the sunrise for me, i mean the one i upload is somewhere from the net... i think you can do a better one. anyway, you remind me of a natelie imbruglia song with the line goes like" ....breathing is believing,underneath the smoke in the room...." what's the title of the song arr?

delete reply banana2 wrote on Jan 23, '05 haha, susan san, my photographic technique is so so nia, how could i take a photo that nice?

delete reply eugenetwj wrote on Jan 25, '05 Aah, susan... i must admit that the song playing in the background (Incident Music) is really nice, and its so nice that you embedded the song into every one of your articles... But erm... some articles already have flash with music included so the Fly Away background music is really kacau-ing. Anyway, the MTV for the FlyAway song is out, watched it yet?

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jan 25, '05 eugenetwj said Aah, susan... i must admit that the song playing in the background (Incident Music) is really nice, and its so nice that you embedded the song into every one of your articles... But erm... some articles already have flash with music included so the Fly Away background music is really kacau-ing. Anyway, the MTV for the FlyAway song is out, watched it yet? i know i know, the yanzi's flash right? hmmmm.... i think i'll delete it soon, ( but i like so much, so didn't delete it when i delete others in the blog)... but then, i like fly away more lar... the mtv is ou? really arr? what's the web?

delete reply ahlok2003 wrote on Jan 25, '05, edited on Jan 25, '05 may i make a request?? haha..if have free time send me the song to ahlok2003@yahoo.com haha...thanks!

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jan 25, '05 ahlok2003 said may i make a request?? haha..if have free time send me the song to ahlok2003@yahoo.com haha...thanks! Eugene got the whole mp3 already, i'm still in the process of learning to convert the thing... he is my sifu now... be patient arr

delete reply ahlok2003 wrote on Jan 25, '05 ok lah.. ur sifu sent me lio.. haha.thanks lah

delete reply pohmui wrote on Jan 25, '05 atlantisian said Eugene got the whole mp3 already, i'm still in the process of learning to convert the thing... he is my sifu now... be patient arr convert what? yes he is good at converting things.. :p

delete reply eugenetwj wrote on Jan 25, '05 Oh? Converting things... hmmm... how i wish... Huh? Nevermind... Oh, i've got the whole album by Corinne May already, the singer who sung and wrote Fly Away. The MTV can be seen at www.corrinnemay.com ** Warning!! 17mb streaming video!! **

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jan 26, '05 eugenetwj said Oh? Converting things... hmmm... how i wish... Huh? Nevermind... Oh, i've got the whole album by Corinne May already, the singer who sung and wrote Fly Away. The MTV can be seen at www.corrinnemay.com ** Warning!! 17mb streaming video!! ** i successfully convert the swf file liao, so proud of myself, Thanx so much Eugene.... You are The GREATEST sifu of the universe....MUAK MUAK MUAK....

delete reply eugenetwj wrote on Feb 2, '05 Yalar yalar... you promised to be my slave for one month so dont think calling me "sifu sifu" will get you away with it.

delete reply pohmui wrote on Feb 2, '05 oh? eugene sifu?? wat swf ?

delete reply eugenetwj wrote on Feb 2, '05 pohmui said oh? eugene sifu?? wat swf ? swf means "super wicked fins"

delete reply eugenetwj wrote on Feb 2, '05 She is growing some SWFs for herself... and i taught her how to do it

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Feb 10, '05 eugenetwj said She is growing some SWFs for herself... and i taught her how to do it lalala.... guess i have to thank my super duper sifu for teaching me so well....