turbulence

its nearly dawn.
my mind is in turbulent state.
i wonder where all my insecurity come from.
i dont mean to be melodramatic, but the thoughts of my love one will leave me someday made my chest aches considerably. and the next thing i know, my cheeks wets.

"I have the sense to recognise, that I don't know how to let you go." Sarah McLachlan.

i am no saint.
i dont have the unconditional love that can tolerates love without able to tell you "i love you".

am i sound paranoid? it doesnt matter.

what matters is i love you and i will never let you go.

blogging about marriege

Summer is the wedding season, everyone is getting married. Dorcas, Bull's bro, anthon's bro... i think its something to do with the biological rhythm, the cyclical nature of biological phenomena, whereby mating and breeding season is entrained to the zeitgaber. maybe there is a linkage between the pheromone secretion and season changes, i wonder.

Never cross my mind the possiblities of me getting married in early twenties like my best friend Dorcas did. marry a man and having my own family is something that will only happened in light years away. well, that was what i assumed. But lately, to my surprise, the thought of marriege keep popping up my mind whenever i start to day dreaming during Prof Alan's lecture. what the heck! this is definately mind poisoning. but mind you, thinking not necessary means craving. i'm just curious of what it is like being waking up beside my love one, cooking dinner for him and kissing him goodbye before he leaves for work.

if i can have a glimsp of my future life as wifey, i just wanna know will i be happily ever after? Its good when you have something that worth to wait for.

damn, my mind drifted so far again. this is dangerous. have to stop wrting about this. Before me sign off, just wanna congrates John and Jenny who tie the knot today. God bless you two with ever lasting love.

insignificant entry

i seldom read the foward email actually, for me its just some junks that eat your storage, most of the time i just delete it without bother to have a look.... BUt today, i did discover something meaningful from those foward email, small surprise did come in the most unexpected time. Its a simple yet thoughtful comics about a typical girl's life. which remind me of myself.

what a simple life all of us lived, sometime its 'not-adventurous' and so typical that u might think its meaningless to carry on living such a monotonous life. But yet what i came to realized is, there are so much life lessons we can learn from all these simple and routine stuff that we went through everyday.



Me tend to appreciate more the life in UK now. partly because i knew all these sucky feelings that i had now in this foreign land will never serve any harm to me, unless i let the feelings control and conquer my rationality. Everyone feels sucks now and then, its nothing abnormal with that, sometime i just subconsciously manipulate and enlarge the negative feelings under microscopic lense and let it prevails me.

Why mourning for myself for having bad days in UK when i'm not even really 'live' it. in fact the days i had in UK will be very memorable if did try to live the best of it. Ironically i can picture myself one day in twenty years later, when i look back all these, i might just shrug, laugh at myself and say: 'all these sucky things i faced twenty years ago when i was in UK were really petty and insignificant, so simple like swapping a fly!'

When a kettle boils, steam whistles through the spout.
When we reach the threshold of what we can cope with we complain.
This means we need to increase our capacity in that area.
Complaining is the language of victims.
We complain when we feel we have no control over negative circumstances.

True survivals don't complain,
they give thanks and see the upside.
To the positive mindset solutions appear.
The negative complaining mind fails to see any way through.

'In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.'1 Thess 5:18- 19


focus on what i have, and go. simple as that.



p/s: To kokkers, Gambate o! enjoy and do your best in the DOTA competition!

I dont have a reason to love you

Lady: Why do you love me?
Man : I can't tell the reason, but I really love you.
Lady: You can't even tell me the reason.how can you say you love me?
Man : I really don't know the reason, but I really love you.
Lady: No! I want you to tell me the reason.
Man : Ok...ok!!! Because you are beautiful, because your voice is sweet, because you are caring, because you are loving, because you are thoughtful, because of your smile, because of your every movements...

One day, the Lady met with a serious accident resulting in permanent injuries. The Guy then placed a letter by her side, the letter says:

Dearest,
Because of your sweet voice that I love you...Now can you talk? No! Therefore I cannot love you. Because of your care and concern that I like you... Now that you cannot show them, therefore I cannot love you. Because of your smile, because of your every movements that I love you... Now can you smile? Now can you move? No, therefore I cannot love you... If love needs a reason, like now, there is no reason for me to love you anymore. Does love need a reason? Never! Therefore, I still love you... and will love u forever!

"True religion is the life we lead, not the creed we profess.~Louis Nizer"

Sometimes its really hard to confine the special feelings i have for someone or something into a defined reason. If you ask me why did i wear black all the time? why did i favor chocolate more than vanilla? why did i fall easily for guys who know how to play guitar? why did i like to stay alone rather than in the crowd? To be honest, i really dont know. The sense and the perception of certain things makes me happy, and when i'm happy, i think i will just like it.

Why is it love have to be restricted in a confined reason? if one day the reason no longer existed, does it means the love will also dies as well? if that is true, then i dont want to love for a reason.

Why did you love me? u asked.

i love you for no reason.

silence means consence?

Infuenza attacked.

Have running nose for more than a week now, i think my immune system went low nowadays. blame it to the weatherman. The torturest thing is not the sticky fluid that keep running down my nose, nor the feeling of the rough tissue brushes over my smooth and sensitive nostrils over and over again. its the fact that i really cant stand my own voice, sound like a frog's croaks. Furthermore, cough will surely tailing behind my every sentence, which really makes me dont feel like wanna talk that much nowadays.

i never realized that talking can become such a foreign task.

Actually, something awful happened last sunday. When i was enjoying singing the hymns in the church. suddenly, to my horror i realized that i'm actually singing out of tune, its one octave lower than the right key for the melody and my voice crakes whenever it hits the high notes. i think i'm innately gifted with a very sensitive and fussy ear. my friend who sit beside me didnt even notice about it but i'm 100% sure that i am singing out of tune.

This is my worst nightmare, i have lost my sense of music, i can't even sing properly for 1 week now. If Bebo Norman knew i sang his "dissapear" with such a croacky and cracky voice, i think he will definately regreted that he actually composed the song in the first place. Feels like spoiling and dis-appreciating such a great piece of music.

Unable to sing or listen to music is one of the thing that i cannot tolerate with nor sacrifice in my life. imagine living in a world without music, the world will become monochromic and dull without colors. Yet, by theory it seems to be possible, cuz then human may have to speak toneless, church bells wont be ringing, birds wont be singing, crowds wont be cheering, trees wont be flapping and swiftly swaying as the wind blows.

Well, maybe u wont agree that all these sounds can be define as music which has different tone color and pitch. But for me, a music is defined as any sound that has rhythm, which called melody and when words are added meanings to the melody, it become songs.

i miss my own voice.

Life goes on

Went to bank-in the deposit to the landlord today. which mean i had decided and i will stay in Liverpool to continue my master studies for another 1 year. I have to say its really not easy for me to reach until this stage, went through alot of doubts and struggle. in fact i nearly give up halfway.

Firstly, as in certain period of time i'm really not sure whether my emotional and physical state allow me to withstand another year of life in UK or not. Being nearly 2 months in UK makes me realize that i had became more easily depressed nowadays. in fact just a few days before, my friend scolded me for spending all my time in the room when i supposed to enjoy the UK's summer breeze outside. well, really had to thank him, he had reminded me to enjoy my life in UK instead of shutting myself and mourning and griefing all the time in the closet. But cant deny the fact that i'm easily getting flu and feeling dizzy nowadays.

well, another reason is i started to wonder what "dream" really spell for me. Why did i crave so much for study aboard in the first place? cuz now i really dont think study aboard in a western country is really that superb or enjoyable anymore. although i still appreciate the beautiful scenery and the relaxing and easy going life style here in Uk, but sometime i just think that being here in the foreign land didnt really makes me feel satisfied nor trully happy. When i am far away from home, it makes me realized that being together with the people that i care and love means much more to me than having a UK certified master cert. If i have to be so far away from them in order to achieve my dreams, maybe its really not worth it.

Well, i'm walking on this path now, i guess its too late for me to feel regret. i cant let my parents down. They have such a high hopes for me and wanted so much to see me excel in my studies. So i might as well try to live my life here in UK to fullest and enjoy the UK's unpredictable weather and sucky coldness as much as possible.

anyway, i'm personally think that i'll be more happy if i just come here for the travelling purpose and not for study, less pressured i guess. Pretty much enjoyed my last week visit at Chester. anyway, enough crapping. lights off now.

please, not now

Felt really tired today, physically and emotionally. when i told C.fei all i wanna do is to hug and cry with her, its not solely becuse she needs my comfort, its because i need someone to hug me as well.

i miss hugging by my close friends and family.

There are so many emotions tangles and scrambles in my heart, waiting to be solved, waiting to be settled. but i'm just too tired to do so. And most of the time i just suppress the feeling and pretend nothing really happened.

But after i came to UK, suddenly all the problems seems to surpass the caution line and emerge to the surface. what i am doing now is trying to ignore the beeping warning light and silently pray that it will never overflows from the emotional jar.

"just hope that you are fine. I don know wat i should do next. Is that mean the friendship is over?"

i know i should try to sort it out with him face to face although he hurt me so much. i know deep down in my heart i still care for him as a friend of more than ten years although he had violated my faith in friendship.

"以前有个人告诉我，"无论环境如何改变，请你不要放弃"， 但是先放弃的人，最终还是那个人，我不怪那个人，因为环境、时间、心情都会轻易的更新变化。。。"

"以为离开了伤心，这一生不会再有难过，但谁会知道心中深处的伤痕？"

i know Uking's words still has the effect on me, i know i am forever guilty for not trying hard enough nor giving him chance to mend the broken relationship, i know i'm the one to blame for being so cruel to him, i know my head will definitely ache again when i heard that he did noticed that i removed him from my multiply contact list. i know i should at least trying to contact him back as we are stepping on the same solid ground now.

i know i must determine to solve it all or else it will bugging me forever. i know i have to deal with it sooner or later.

i really do know.

But please, not now.

i'm just too tired to make any changes, to take any initials, to make any moves. i'm still trying to recollect the pieces of me, i'm still trying to gather my courage and faith. can i just let it be for the moment?

please, not now.

Love is worth a try

Dear C.Fei...

My heart ache so much when i see your message saying you wanna hug and cry with me. i still remember at those nights when i really dunno how to use my words to console you anymore, all i can do is be by your side and hug you so tight so that you wont feel alone. But now, with the thousand miles between us, i can't even give that simple warmness to you.

i felt helpless cuz i can't be there for you when you need me. i know you had lose faith in love and had decided to give up to love someone wholeheartly. i can't do anything to make you believe in love again, but my dear friend, all i'm asking you is to raise your eyes and look at the sky.

did you still find solace in the sky?

If the answer is yes, then you know somewhere behind the clouds our heavenly father loves you still and He would want you to love and to be loved.

I said it before and i will say it again. my dear friend, love is worth a try. you may fall down very hard, you may be torned apart, you may feel self-doubt and insecure because of love. but in the end when you find true love, all those hurts and pain that you went through before will all be worthwhile. five years six years from now, when you walking down the aisle, showered and blessed with love, you will know love is worth a try.

Everyone has their past, you just have to love for the present him, you are SOMEONE, please dont think yourself as a replacement. Those past will forever remained as memory in his heart, but you can always make more memories together with him. If you think he is not the one, then maybe its time to let go, but please dont give up to love the next him. Love will strike you at the most unpredictable way.

Love is worth a try

love,
Ming.

a self revealing test

Read a post in mei ling's blog just now, a so-called self revealing test that helps people to understand more about their current state of inner needs and emotional state. the only requirement is to be completely honest and spontaneous about what you are writting. Well, just wanna see whether this can really help to unveal myself or not.

Here it goes.

i am not: going to stay in UK forever
i am hurt: when the friendship that i thought once was so special turn out to be nothing in the end.
i love: to sing in the house of God.
i hate: when i saw my love one through web camera but can't touch him.
i fear: being alone for the rest of my life
i hope: to gain my acedemic success soon and make my parents proud.
i crave: for my friends and family acceptance.
i regret: when i didnt do what i'm supposed to do because i dont have the courage to do.
i cry: only when i can hold my tears no more.
i care: if my words unintentionally offends or hurt others feeling cuz i was once hurt by others words.
i always: try to be the better me although i knew its damn hard to meet everyone expectation.
i long: for a hug at the end of the day.
i feel alone: when i surrounded by hundreds of people but they are all some blurr images that i feel not connected at all.
i listen: to "cold water" when i'm on the verge of breaking down.
i hide: my irritation and sadness by being quiet and stoned.
i sing: "disappear" by bebo norman when i feel the need to let go.
i dance: when I'm on the stage leading praise and worship because those are the moments i feel so close to God.
i write: blogs to express my most private and bluntest thoughts.
i breathe: air that still remains foreign and uncertain to me.
i play: the guitar only once in the church since i came to UK and i was overjoyed.
i miss: my family and friends in the church when i felt so cold and alone in this foreign land.
i search: for other positive ways to vent my frustration other than being quiet and cold.
i learn: how to cope with feeling of being so screw up.
i feel: i didnt fit in UK at all though i have been here for nearly 2 months.
i know: God has His purpose on me. although i dunno what is that at the moment but i just had to keep walking down this road of life.
i say: i dont care but i really care inside.
i succeed: acedemically in TARC, which once i thought was the goal of my life. But now, i knew i have more meaningful things to do instead of that.
i fail: in relatonship once and i will certainly not repeating the same mistake again.

why

who am i?

who am i to you?

what will happen tomorrow?

why did i come to UK in the first place?

will i still recognize you when i see you in heaven?

why the earth is spinning 365-24-7 everyday every moment without ceases? (dont tell me its to prevent from sucking into the sun by its gravity attraction. then what about the whole milky way? the universe?)

why the hell i'm still studying when my brain already paralyzed. (yeah, i know the answer for this, cuz tomorrow got freaking exam.)

why am i asking stupid questions?

some question are not meant to be answered, some question are meant to be searched for answers.

i wonder why.

I am a girl

PC breakdown

frustrated.... exhausted.... helpless... devastated.

i didnt expect that the emotional turmoil will be that great last night, feels like almost unbearable. ironically at the same time, i felt pathetic for myself for being so easily emotionally disturbed and turbulenced, especially by a lifeless stupid electronic gadget. I thought i was independent and strong minded all this time. In the history of my whole life, i rarely allow myself to act like a 'weak one'. and i always think that a person's mind and will determine his/her altitude.

"Some people tend to forgot about others when they are to busy dealing and complaining about themselves. They tend to complain and nag or express anger, dissappointment and other sort of insignificant emotions that they forgot that the people who they vent their things to is also a human being. They are so immensely concentrating on being a drama queen and indulging in themselves they tend to think that the world revolves around them. "Oooh I am so sad, Ooh I am so dissappointed, Why dont you understand and yatta yatta yatta.........." Its not my fault that shit happens, its your fault, its the worlds fault its that taxi drivers fault and exhuming the same old sappy teart story from the past again and again and again."~Sinatraz

yeah, i was trying hard not to be THAT kind of person, in fact sometime i think those kind of people are really pathetic. Relying on other's comforts to assure their self-worthness, do nothing but pitying themself. and though i'm not those extremes that fight for WOMEN POWER or equality, but i always hate those prejudice who strereotypically labelled women as the "weak one". Through years, i had learnt not to express my emotion too much infront of others, not asking for help easily, even trying to be alone and enjoying my solitude.

But without realizing, i was tagged by "cold-blooded" by some of my friends.

The incident last night taught me something about myself that i had tried to ignore all these time. At the moment my tears fell down my face the minute i hear my love one's voice, i had came to realize one thing. I was trying to be strong, but i can't be strong all the time, i'm only a girl, a girl that crave for acceptance, a girl that need the tenderness and care, a girl that wish to stay in her father's protective arms forever, a girl that secretly hope for someone that she can depend on, someone that can be her santuary and refuge.

i know this really doesnt sound like me, but can i just be a little girl for a while?

A tribute

Finally finish with all the reports, takes me three days to get it all done before i went to exam hall next week to test my luck. Can barely breath nowadays, the workload is unbearable, the weather is unpredictable, the depression is snowballing, the missing is so great, everything feels not right, tragedy happened at the most unexpected time. Yesterday the brits still cheering and celebrating for London had received the honor of hosting the Olympics 2012, today the whole London was in grief and despair.

Who knows how would one handle the situation if it happens again? Would it really be different?

Reading Lyon's words always makes me think a lot, what if i was in London today, what if i was one of the victim of the dreadful incident? Life is so fragile that i might just leave this earth called as home any moment, any time, any place without leaving a trace. The ironic thing is earth would still spining, the sun still rise and set in the same pace, life still carry on. Does it really make a difference if i'm not a part of the cycle of life anymore?

Supposed that now i know life is precious, i should appreciate it and stay away from anything that might be harmful. But what if all these incident are unavoidable, something called fate. Would it makes a difference even if i have the first hand experience? In reality, sometimes learning from experience isn't really practical. There are some lesson that u can never understand, things like life and dead, love and hate, right and wrong.

May all the lost souls rest in peace tonight.

paradox

current mood: turbulent and confused
song currently playing: DJ Tiesto "Close to you"

My friend always tell me that i am a paradox and a confused person,"giftpid", that was what they call me, cuz according to them, i am a gifted and a stupid person at the same time.

Well, i have no words to defend myself, cuz i am a PARADOX. Some said that i'm good in leadership, but some say that they choose me to become a leader because its easier for them to tolerate my way instead for me to tolerate their way; Some say that i am confident, but at times i feel like wanna hide in the closet cuz' i have no faith and guts to face the cruel world outside; Some say that i am affable and easy to socialize with, but some people think that i am an introvert that always keep all the thoughts to my own.

i think i'm charged with guilty and should be subjected to penalty of life long prison. i know that i am good at remembering facts and doing exam, but i am sucks in anything to do with figures like remember phone numbers; i am sensitive with what others had done wrong, but i often blindfolded by my own wrongs and takes others for granted; i always console others and tell them dont think too much,just stay happy, but actually i find it's extremely difficult to stay happy all the time and i frequently struggling and torturing myself with nonsense thinking that does no use except kills my brain cells.

Lately, i just discovered another bad bad character of mine.(when i say bad, i do mean its BAD) i always felt empty and lonely when i supposed to feel happy and satisfied. Everytime when i seems to very much enjoy the happy moments, like hanging out with friends, celebrating my birthday etc, then out from no where, the question "is this happiness real?" will certainly popped up in my head and instantly the next thought that comes into my mind will be, "this is way too much, i dont deserve this."

CP noticed that i always suddenly going silence or hold back myself at unexpected moments. My ex told me that i'm phobic to commitment. i always try to define what are the restraining force that prevent me from enjoying those happy moments and events to fullness, I know its just something called as character whereby people deal things in their own way, but where did this attitude came from? i'm an insecure person that live in a secure surrounding, what a paradox. i have a loving family, a caring bf and lots of friends, i got the opportunity of studying at overseas and might as well have a bright future ahead, but why did i still feel that there is something wrong when everything is right?

"i was incredibly moved,
maybe a little frightened by the depth of the emotion...."
~Todd Herzog, Walking across Walden

I see the glimpse of the answer when i first read through the line. at times, i'm just frightened by the depth of the emotion that i felt. its pretty amazing that there seems to be no limit to how much human can feel, how happy a person can be? extremely happy? exhilaratingly happy? so damn happy? well, its funny to confine the happiness into words, cuz its simply undescribable. I think i have limited emotion state, which cannot sustain too much happiness i guess. when the feeling went overboard, my heart will subconsciously shut the door and make me feel no more.

i wish i can be more happy, but my heart tell me not to do so, paradox.