To my dearest friend

"I can never claim to know you,
Can never say to you, "I understand,"
I can just listen, nod,
Or give an opinion - unless I have not,
Otherwise I just remain silent.

i can't know what's going on,
Unless you tell me,
i can't understand how you are feeling,
Unless you are actually expressing it...

i can't read between the lines,
If there are no lines there at all,
And i can't be right,
When i don't know what i'd even doing wrong,

And i have no second chances,
When i never been given a first,
And i can't explain,
When you doesn't want to listen.

i can't force a truce,
When you refuses to understand,
And i can't shout and scream at you,
For it just makes no difference.

you always said,
There's just no one there to listen,
No one who CAN make a difference for you.
and the no one is me."

In general, I'm just one of the worlds most horrible person to call/consider friend. Which would probably explain why I can't say I have many friends.(athough it seems like i had a lot.)

"you dont understand me!"
"you keep ignoring me when i need a friend"
"i'm really dissapointed with you"
thats what you said.

Dear, i'm just tired, i can never 24-7 always be by your side, i dont have the telephaty supernatural ability that can sense whats bugging you when you didnt say it out, i'm not the worm in your stomach hence i can never understand your every thoughts, I'm sorry I can't be the kind of friend you want.

The problem between us is not you. It's me. You haven't changed. I have. That's why I take full responsibility for whatever breakdown we have. I used to take every little flaws in our friendship very seriously, i cared every word you said, every thoughts you had, cuz' i'm scared that i will never be a friend good enough for you, (but somehow, i realized that i can never be good enough for you.) At the end of days, i'm depressed, i get easily insulted by your harmless jokes and critics, i cant felt relaxed with the strung nerves and edgy emotion of struggling to be a perfect friend.

I can only be me. And that's not a very nice person - unfortunately.

I care about you too much. And as a friend I do know you care about me. You are extremely dear to me. That's why I haven't walked away. That's why I'm struggling to stay. Honestly, as pissed as I can get, I ain't giving up on our friendship.But I just can't stay if I keep giving into shit. It's not you. It's me. The person I've become, when I'm with you, whom I never wanted to be.

To my dearest friends that always end up dissapointing with me, Jess, San San, Margaret and others, i know i have problem in concentrating on what you guys are saying, i know that i always forget about birthday and important dates, i know i didnt show my caring for you frequently and directltly. i'm sorry for not able to be what i cant be.