where am i going?

Having my job appraisal done just now with my superiors (not just one, but three, including VP Business Dev, CEO and HR manager), its supposed to be THE APPRAISAL as my employment contract ends this month itself. Well, the appraisal determines whether i am staying or not and on top of that, if i am staying on board, they will express boldly what are they expecting out of me for the next one year, at the same time try to gauge whether i am up to the challenge.

In a sense its like facing the Donald Trump panel sitting infront of you and waiting to tear you apart.

Well, of course i stayed. no element of surprise here. The worst thing to do is to lose your job in the current economic crisis situation. However, although i am staying put, it doesnt mean that i am just stagnant at current position and stayed because there is no other choice. Personally, i look at this appraisal as another achievement of another milestone in my professional development. It has been two years since the day i launched myself in this job. Its like having a roller coaster ride, whereby i was thrown from the university green house into this big jungle of the world of business, and it is a world of beastly and cunning businessmen whereby personal interest (money sense) is above anything else. And to be frank, its a lonely battle as i just cant find my place in this world whereby honesty and sincerity were in total extinct.

Sometimes i do wish to go back to the lab or acedemia field, and being contented with a 9-5pm tutor or researcher post. At least, i am just battling against the genetic codes or the testosterone/estrogen-pumping young students (like Kim). However, most of the time i am thankful for the position i'm in today. The exposure which i've gained was unmeasurable and i've shaped and changed so much to an extent that i can barely remember the student me since the day i walked out of the university.

Today, i am asking myself, it has been two years now, so where am i supposed to go from here?

There is this particular comment by my boss during the appraisal which really made me ponder, in his own word, i am an obedient person, obedient to task and will always live up to it. However, he wanted more of me, not in the sense of obedient but loyalty, which means more space for me to perform and excel even out of the scope, but at the same time not to be too adventurous.

To an extent, i am quite agreed with my boss, he had spot on well that obedient is who i am and what i've always perceived as. I have been an obedient daughter, student, christian, and now, employee as well. Probably getting together with Peter is one of the few wildest thing i've ever done. I've always correlate obedient with loyalty, and today i've realized that it does not necessary mean the same. or maybe its a chicken and egg paradox thingy, whereby a loyal person will be obedient or obedience nurture the loyalty. however, one thing for sure is that a person can be obedient towards the task and the role, and the heart can be never loyal.

So back to the question, where am i going?

I hope its not a dumb thing to say that i dont know. i can hope and vitualize the place where i will be in 10 years time, and maybe it will give me the confidence and security that i am obedient and even loyal to the person i thought i am. However, if i didnt end up being there, will i be perceived as a failure?

so my answer is i dont know. However, i do know that everyday i am walking in faith, step by step cuz He leads the way. Eventually, it may not be the best place to be on earth, but i know for good or bad, thorns or bed of roses, my love ones is there for me and He will always walk together with me.