always in my memory

It’s hard to believe that now I’m back to my home again. Everything seems so familiar, the trees, the road, the people, the bloody HOT weather... nothing changes.

I’m still amazed by the fact that how fast yet how slow the three months passed. When I’m still in Liverpool, the earth spin in such a slow pace; but when I’m back in KL again, its felt like I had never leave here before...

3 months of loneliness, 3 months of wonders, 3 months of experience... *memories rush through my mind in euphoric colors* .Those sweet and sour memories... *sob*. I’m glad that I did survive through those tough moments, never expect that my emotional state has that kind of capacity to withstand those extremely fluctuating emotion. now I’m more stretchable and adaptable I guess. In future, nothing can agitate and moved me that much anymore cuz I have went through the worst. Somehow I’m just glad that I had reached the first milestone. Another one year to go.

This is the last picture in my mind before I left. 25C, always in my memory.

Wake me up when September ends

Why do you fill my sorrow with the words you've borrowed?

I feel my soul had emptied completely,
the emotion turmoil drained me of all strength,
numb and stone cold, sensation no more,
but the ironic thing is I still can feel the throbbing pain inside.
lying on the bed starring at the ceiling,
I’m waiting for the pain to subside,
But in the silence, my tears dropped.

I cried,

I cried,

And I cried...

Until my tears dried,
until I felt that I can cry no more.
I bent down my knees,
Silently, words by words,
I voiced it out.

Heavenly father,
why did they fill my sorrow with the words they’ve borrowed?
what did I’ve done to deserve such a disgrace?
i have nothing to give, how can they ask for more?

I’m the worthless clay in The potter’s hand.
mercy me.

........

I slept, and I rested in The father’s arm.

MArs

Planet Mars will be the brightest in the night sky starting August.

It will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. This will cultimate on Aug. 27 when Mars comes within 34.65M miles of earth. Be sure to watch the sky on Aug. 27 12:30 am. It will look like the earth has 2 moons. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287. Dont lose this chance as NO ONE ALIVE TODAY will ever see it again.

27th, the day i land my feet on the solid ground of Malaysia again. Mars is welcoming me back home.

how sweet is that.

till i see you again

every night i fall asleep with the image of our reunion in my mind.

my eyes glistering with tears,
your arms open wide;
i see the colours that no one can see,
radiating from the hands that holding tight;
your breath sounds like a symphony,
i close my eyes to listen and savour;
my heart is beating euphorically,
anticipation, exaggeration;
finally, the string of my hearts come undone.
come undone.

9 days,
216 hours,
12960 minutes,
777600 seconds,
till i see you again.

Bloody exam

B-L-O-0-D-Y exam!

I really hate the fact that sometimes a person's self esteem is depends entirely on how well he/she done in the exam. If you did badly in exam, you are no one. well, sometime its not about how other people look at you, but its how u judge yourself uncounsciously based on the marks that gained in the exam. its funny yet true that how easily our emotional state can be manipulated by those numbers.

this is sucks! now i'm not only feel sorry for doing bad in exam but also feel pathetic cuz i'm easily agitated and disturbed by the system.

Maybe its not entirely about the exam, to be precise its the fact that the marking system which utilizes 'numbers' that makes it the most solid way to value a person is pathetic. If the person is successful in life, well, how did people measure and define 'success'? normal one will certainly goes for how MANY car he has? how MANY figures he earns a month? how MANY condo he has? ok, maybe you will think its the quality of life that's matters not the quantity. then, how MANY friends he has? how MANY good things he had done to the community? how MANY hours he spent with his family a week?

its ironic that the quality itself can be measured by quantity.

Cant really deny the fact that 'numbers' is the best way to measure the value of something, in fact it can be the most efficient and precise way. We can even apply the statistical analysis to count out what are the standard deviation and error in order to justify the appropriateness of our measurement.

imagine one day if people speak like this.
Abu: So Ali hows your day today?
Ali: i have spent 4:15(std dev.0.02) hours feeling happy, while 19:45 (std dev.0.43)hours feeling sad. According to ANOVA test(T=0.02,p=0.005,df=10), there is a significance difference(P>0.05) of 63.75% between feeling happy and feeling not happy, therefore, my conclusion is i am not happy today.

it seems like the world is stuck with figures.

anyway, i know the topic deviates again. and yes, i still hate exam and i'm 100% sure of it. No need to apply ANOVA test to prove that.

Ps: dont ask me how did i know how to do statistical analysis, i do the calculation everyday, B-L-O-O-D-Y scientific reports.

you had a bad day

you have been dear to me, you had been always there for me when i needed someone, i remember back on those days when i'm down and not myself, you making a fool of yourself just to cheer me up.

you have been bold and sincere to me, you share your inner feelings with me. one thing you have done that moved me the most is you always have the faith in me, "things will be alright, i know you." thats what u always say.

now, you are having a bad day, you felt like crying but no one seems to care. me, the lousy me unable to do anything but helplessly watching you falling down.

just wanna tell you,i know how u feel. i dunno whether this will makes you felt better or not, but emotionally, you know you are not alone.

i wish you well, CP and Lyon, my dear friends.

"Bad day" Daniel Powter
Where is the moment when needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

'Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work on a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

Sometimes the system goes on the brink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well all that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work on a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

blogging

well, sometime i'm just wondering...

is blogging do more good than harm?

i remember those days when i'm still blogging in multiply, which is the most no-privacy-at-all blogsite that i've ever known. i am brutally and honestly say out all my thoughts and mind without any refinement. i talk about my passion for music, my constant depression, my purpose in life, anything that come across my mind. and yes, i did felt satisfied when i was able to express myself in a way that i am more comfortable and organized since i'm not very good at speaking. in fact it serve as a way for me to vent my frustration and tension as well.

But the problems come in when people started to see me in different ways after they read my blogs. Some may kind enough to agree with what i am thinking. But some just feel that i'm faking up myself cuz sometime they cant relate the me in the words and the me in the reality.

and this leads to one thing that i hate the most. judging me.

am i really contradicting myself with my words and my action? dont worry, i am sure that i dont have distorted personality although i do think that sometime i am quite paradoxing. But who cares, i may sound different in this blog from the person that you have known for years. well, maybe you just dunno me well enough.

Is blogging really a free channel where people can say anything out without having to think or responsible for the consequences? Do we really have the freedom to say and write everything we want in blogs? well, thats comes to the defination of freedom. what freedom means to you? to do anything you want to do?

for me, freedom is not doing something that i dont want to do.

i wouldnt want to cause any nuisence or making others having unpleasant feelings or feel offended after reading my words. cuz it will be a violation of my freedom.

Therefore i shall only keep all the secrets and the dark side of mine in my lost world, atlantis. and only share it with a few people that i trusted wholeheartly and confidence that they will never felt disturbed with whatever craps that i wrote.

yeah, i'm referring to you.

words are the voice of the heart~Confuscious

Ps: did a stupid test.

I am 29% Asshole/Bitch.

I may think I am an asshole or a bitch, but the truth is I am a good person at heart. Yeah sure, I can have a mean streak in me, but most of the people I meet like me.

Take the
Asshole/Bitch Test
@ FualiDotCom

glimps of truth

You will never be happy if you continue to search what happiness is consist of.

You will never live if you keep on looking for meaning of life without living it.

worn out

i wish i had greater control towards my emotional fluctuation. lost my self control again today due to some misundertsanding with my friends regarding the ticketing problem. looks like now i have to travel back from Malaysia to London alone next month. But they didnt really noticed that i'm actually felt disturbed and upset over the whole incident, which is good. there is no point letting the whole universe gloomy and mourn with me when my milky way had gone rancid at one point.

my tears really doesnt mean anything nowadays. its so hard to suppress the secretion of the tears from the tears duct when my emotion is overflowing. i used to restrain myself from crying cuz i used to think that crying is an act of cowardism which doesn't help to solve the problem at all except making myself feel more pathetic. i dunno since when my tears had become a frequent company of mine. when i'm lonely, i cried; when i miss someone, i cried; when i felt touched and moved by simple things like a song or some words, i cried; when i listen to the voice of my love one that sounded so distant away, i cried.

sometime i even cried for no reason. i wonder why. i guess it really doesnt mean a thing anymore.

i know my emotional state is floating easily with the wave, i cant even feel the firm base under my feet that can hold me and make me stand still. i dont even know will i able to withstand the next wave without falling down. every little incident which occured out of my expectation can disturbed my emotion so easily. i have no control over how i feel and how it influence my rationality.

i recognize the depression hit very well now. and everytime after combating the emotion turmoil, i felt so worn out. yeah, i'm sober now, thats why i'm able to reason out the whole thing well and determine to solve the whole problem rasionally. Its ironic that how easily my consciousness can be distorted and manipulated by my own emotion and recollect the pieces back again.

i guess i'm just human.

i'm coming back home

19 days to go.

just a thought

astonishing picture. mind stimulating words.


The picture reminds me of a line that Joe once wrote.
"Do you believe there is a lmit to how fast man can run?"

To be truth, i do belive that there is a limit to everything. (well, there is one thing which last for eternity~God's love.) so is this confined and shallow thoughts is the restraining force that prevent me from going far? from being the best i can be? (well, of course, if everything is limitless, then i can never be the best, as there will be no defining end for what the best will be.)

our attitude detemines our altitude

i guess it is true, our mind and will determine the output and the fruit we bore. but i think i dont have that determination or capacity to have great success in my life, i dont crave for fancy life nor a name that will be remembered forever. i only have a tiny and simple purpose and passion for life, to love and to be loved. and you tell me that's noble of me.

But to love someone, it takes my whole life to do that; and to be loved by someone, i will have everything in this whole world.

i am nobody, not micheal jordon, nor micheal johnson. i am only a girl who dreams for everything in this world, that is to be only loved by someone.

something missing

"I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
Something's different
And i don't know what it is" John Mayer

listen to a friend muttering about a love that went wrong at the early dawn of a friday morning. seeing his tears run down his face as he fumble for something to wipe it off. i wonder does the hurt that cut deep in his heart will ever be wiped off as well.

a man's tears, i never expect that from him, a friend that always jokes around and cheer me up whenever i felt down. But today i saw him pathetically sitting on the floor, using drunkenness as an excuse to mask his broken heart.

It amazed me that how hunger each and everyone of us crave for love. whether we actually realised or not, there is a longing deep in the core of our heart that craved to be loved, to be recognized and to be appreciated by someone. It's an innate desire. something that u need to comprehend in order to fill in the incompleteness in your life.

now i have you, i felt like going back home. the pieces of me that once were seperated from my body and soul on the last day of genesis had finally came home. my soul searching for its counterpart intuitively as my rationality and physicality went through everydays life unawarely. and now she had finally grasp it and will never let it go again.

She once know that something missing and she dunno what is it and how to fix it. But now, she just happily being homed.