I wish

I have a slow walk around the neighborhood with Peter last night. It was after an hour of workout at gym and an exhaustive day i had in office. The workout had been a way for me to stretch and release the stiffness i had on my shoulders, but it was the walk with Peter which soothed and untangled the strain in my heart.

I reached his place around 9pm, his mom was pretty much in a nagging mood, and believe me, you don't want another round of 'i-want-to-change-some-songs-in-the-wedding-service-program' conversation after a hectic day. i guess Peter sensed my tension and dragged me out for a walk before i snapped.

We haven't see each other for a week, and i miss dearly the quiet time we had together. We walked aimlessly while making small talks, it calmed me down tremendously by simply holding his hands while walking beside him. I told him i made a wrong decision and that had cost me losing a precious friendship. I told him that i wished i can shrug it off like a man and not fretting it over and over again like an indecisive and moody woman.

I wish the question "what should i do" stop lingering in mind, all the time. I wish i had been more determined in my decision and made a better judgment instead of doing what i've done.

But you know, if i were to consider all my thoughts, every thread and every pieces of my thought; and i were careful enough to not miss even a tiny glimpse of what might possible go wrong, to calculate even the smallest details and analyze it in every possible way; And if i can rationalize myself to do things right everytime and to minimize the destruction as much as possible.

... then I'm not human.

I don't know how others accept the wrongs they made. Try to fix it right, then move on? what if its beyond fixing? shrug off and tell yourself that you have done everything you can and therefore your conscious is clear?

Well, I wish i can do that. i wish i can say doing wrong is making space for the right. I wish i can say the wrong move is worthwhile taking cuz i am learning from the mistake. I wish.

But most of the time, you just dont get what you wish for.

Ps: A very humbling song, nearly shed a tear when i first heard it. Enjoy.

Humble uploaded by atlantisian