Ramblings on being a girl

I think i have writer's block for the past few months. My new job scope has sucked out all the fun and inspiration in me. I felt like a 100 years old nanny with a brain which is so rusty and the body which is fatigue and lifeless.

It was only 2 months since I've accepted this new position with a new fancy title, however so far the reality tells me that it was a detrimental wrong decision. I didn't enjoy my work nor my time in the office anymore, ironically i used to hope for less customer meeting and more time to hide in my cubicles. And i hate every seconds of the 1 hour lecture or motivation or brain wash session (whatever you want to name it) which i have to endure everyday with my superior. i will do all the donkey things to shut my mind off during the session, whether its involuntarily tapping my feet, or drawing circles endlessly on my lap with my fingers, to an extent that i think my restless leg syndrome had reaching its height now. Like a fish out of the water, i felt like suffocating every time i walked out of his office and it took me maybe an hour of spiritual cleansing to rid off the worldly pressure which he cast upon my shoulder.

I dont understand why is it so hard to make him understand that i am a person who doesn't give a heck about career development and climbing corporate ladder. Job is just a means to support me financially so that i can do greater things in life. It doesn't matter to me that whether i am competent to become an entrepreneur or start my billion dollar company in future or not, and it certainly doesn't matter to me whether i need to put up 12 working hours per day in order to achieve that before 30s (like what he did). Of course money is good, as well as career and social recognition, but we dont live in a way as though our life is depend on it.

I miss my dear sir, in fact i felt lonely that i am one man department and there is no joy of co working, more over the companionship of someone who you can connect to not only at intellectual /operation level, but also emotionally. Its even more frustrating that the fact that i might felt lonely and helpless will never cross the mind of my other colleagues and my superior. Of course Susan can handle the task alone, she always do that wat... yeah right, Thanks for all the expectation.

Its funny that sometimes i felt sad that others always perceived me as capable and strong, and that it was taken for granted.

I remember that night when we had the farewell, in the midst of all the handshakes and 'take care', 'all the best' wishes, my dear sir told my colleagues and team members:

"Help me to look after Susan k?"

Its kinda funny that simple words like this can stimulates my tear glands almost effortlessly. In fact, he was the second person said this to me. Years ago, when my dear pal Henry came to visit me at Liverpool, he told the same thing to my girlfriends before he left. Of course, i was half teary as well. Those few words are always so rare and precious to me.

Its no secret that i am the type of girl who is independent and some might refer as 'the dominant type'. My dear sir used to tell me that i am a coconut (yeah right, you can start to laugh), with very tough shell, doesn't matter what sort of situation i'm in, I'll still survive. However, on the night of farewell, what he said was totally unexpected and contradicting. Its as though he had looked pass all my external hard shell, and saw the little girl in me. The girl who struggled to put on an ugly smile as she was trying hard to hold her tears back.

Being treated like a girl was never the rights reserved for only those who are more submissive or feminine type. It doesnt matter whether you are more competent in career or you are tougher and more manly compare to the average guys, deep inside, all the girls wished to be pampered like a princess.

So guys never ever forget that.