I had a long day at work yesterday, an unexpected family crisis happened at noon, a heated debate during management meeting, a series of nasty emails firing to and fro (God forbid me). Its not bitter or resentment which i felt, am just exhausted and drained, inside out, outside in.
I cant find a better sentences to describe this but the reality of life engulfed me.
When i was on Jalan Tun Razak cruising home at 8pm, it was still raining like cats and dogs. My heart was low and my mind was numb. The pebbles of rain drops hitting hard on the windscreen, one moment it was blurred, but clearly wiped the next moment, and the motion repeated, blurred, cleared, blurred, cleared ....
Do you think I'm special?
Do you think I'm nice?
Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces?
Between the noise you hear
And the sound you like
Are we just sinking in an ocean of faces?
It can be possible that rain can fall,
Only when it's over our heads
The sun is shining everyday, but it's far away
Over the world is death.
Ryan Tedder mourned a world goes wrong from the stereo. I dont know why but he sounded so sad in "All the right moves".
They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down
The voice hit me, hard, the sentence was replayed over and over in my head...
Everybody knows where we're going
but we're going down
.......
i know where i'm going
am i going down?
It was a complete darkness which i felt inside, a blank moment, a deafening moment, as though the time stopped, and the world ceased to spin at its axis. It was an undescribable feeling of nothing matters anymore.
It was nothing to start with, and nothing in the end.
It was nothing to start with, and nothing in the end.
And then i realized that i'm driving at the speed of 100km/hr on a dark winding road. i was on auto pilot mode for the past 15 mins. As soon as i've realized this, the moment was snapped and gone.
I still cant articulate in words whats gotten to me that night. It an unutterable and ineffable moment which i feel that i am ready to go, and that nothing matters anymore. Work stress, family matters, religious issues .... am ready to let it go.
And i thought i wont write any emo blog for the time being.
And i thought i wont write any emo blog for the time being.
4 comments:
dun get so down, you're not the alone though, everyone have their own share of burden.
Life's hard, being a christian is 10 times harder, as this is not our world, the world hate us,in the workplace, in the society, we do not belong, and do not even try to fit in.
I dunno what you're facing my friend, whatever it is, may this verse encourage you.
Deuteronomy 31:8 - "The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."
and no, you're not going down!!!
unless, of course, you're going down under to see me!!
*hugs*
everydat i have the same feeling like u
i think most people will go thru the same thing at one time...i did at your age....it rained harder inside of me...but i think it is good that we went thru such emotional hardship bcs it helped us focus in the really important things in life and then before you know, you dont sweat over "trivial" stuffs as much...
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