me, myself and i

Since I have officially declare the closure of my multiply’s blog. Well, from now on I will write all my true feelings, regardless happy or sad into my lost world in blogspot. So there will be no mask for me anymore, this the true susan that I will reveal from this moment on.

The decision of shedding the rotten skin of mine and be myself again is not something that come spontaneously. I never thought that some people actually think that all those words I wrote in multiply are fakes. “A hypocrite!” that is what a friend of more than ten years called me, simply because he think that I’m hiding the looser me in my lost world while pretending to be the happy and positive Susan in front of others in multiply. I wish I can feel angry, cuz after the angriness ceases, my mind cleared and I’m back to sense again, I will think that its no big deal and will simply forgive him for the hurt that he cast on me. But what I feel is sad, hopelessly sad and grief. It hurt so much until I suffocated and have to hug myself so tight to stop me from tears.

There is a simply truth that I learnt after the talk with Lyon, that I have to learn to be myself, that I can write for no one but myself, that I can carry on having friends but not completely loving them whole heartly without leaving any space for my own, that I can stop bothering what others think about me and what they expect from me.

Why is it so hard to just being myself?

Well, maybe its because most of the people dunno who are they actually. If I dunno who I am, how can i live for who I am? What make me me? The name “susan”? the meaningless numbers on my ic? the role that I play as a student? a daughter? a friend? My academic achievement? My properties? If I take away all this external factors that makes me me, then will I still be susan?

Actually I found this is fairly intriguing, if one day I went to a whole new place where no one knows me, eg like New Orleans, and I ditch all those external factors that makes me me for all these time, will I still be the same old susan? If the theory works, maybe from totally empty and nothing, I can discover who I am actually. Just like the infant who just parturate from mothers womb, I might be able starting a new life.

Bt I doubt that I can do that, cuz’ eventually the internal factor will still reflecting for who I am, the personality, the emotion state, the past will still bugging me and continue to influence the being of me. So I guess, going to other place thousands kilometers away from home doesn’t makes me a better person neither can make me live a better life, in fact people travels around the world and find that the best place on earth is home.

Maybe I just have to go back to the starting point and try to make a change there, instead of wondering around in the foreign place and lost myself even more.

Let me go

This is a place called Atlantis,
my lost world, my solitude, my one and only refuge,
Its a place that i really wanna say all my thoughts out,
Its a place that i am free to vent all my frustration and anger,
Its a place that i share my true happiness.

its supposed to stay lost and undiscovered forever,
but somehow i lose my guard,
and i let some people come into my territory,
i block my consciousness for a while,
and let others dwell into my most privacy,
cuz'i trust them wont do any harm to me.

But eventually i was wrong,
instead of trying to understand me,
they crash me down and burnt me,
they drown me in and choke my last breath away,
they take away all my belief and faith,
they snap away my last hope.

and now i have nothing left behind,
i have lose the courage to believe again,
i have lose all the trust i build for 10 years,
i have lose someone that once meants an awful lot to me.

so, from now on i am just myself,
i dont have friends anymore,
i will have to go strong and carry on,
and i have to say no to those hurt me
i have to close my doors from those who tore me apart,
cuz' thats the only way i can survive.

so, if you still grab a piece of me,
please let me go,
please free me from this suffocation,
if you once were my friends long time before,
i beg you to just let me go.

this is my lost world,
you can come in if only you really care for me.
or else, leave me alone,
i deserve other things that better than your sympathy.

the end of the road

i started to know why people stop writting blogs. Because they lose the inspiration, like my friend Joe, because there is nothing more to say, like Lyon. For me its because the road had come to its end.

my friends deserted me, my motivation to write left me, my love for doing something i love to do is gone.

Therefore this is the end.

Someday i might write again, or there will be no someday.

These are my final words.

i'm sincerely sorry, if i'm bossy, self centered, selfish, inconsiderate, stingy, cool etc. i never wanted to be that way, but if i have done so, please forgive me, these are my final plead. I am the decendent of Eve, and i'm weak, i do sin all the time, i'm no perfect, i'm just a worthless clay in The potter's hand. But this is who i am.

i'd never been a good friend, i didnt even have a proper farewell with my friends when i left and flew to UK, cuz' it was to painful for me to say goodbye.Once i thought a friend can loves you for all the goods and flaws in you, but the truth tell me, its never that way. People might get dissapointed with you eventually, sooner or later. i did try to be a better person, for my familiy, my friends and my loves one. But sometime its just not easy, sorry if i failed you, i can never be a person that i can't be.

Its hard for me to get till this far, i thanked God if you supported me all the way, and i hope you can whisper a silence prayer to me even when i write no more.

Good morning, good afternoon and Good night, before my lights burnt out, i wish you well.

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delete reply nightscamp wrote on Jun 9, '05 hey babe... Sorry you feel you have to go. But anyway, it's a new chapter of life you're working on now. Leave what you have to behind, and ensure that you do move on and move strong! I wish you all the best in your every endevioure. May the light and love of God be with you, guarding and guiding you always through your journey. I hope that you acheive what you've left to achieve, and I hope that you do so to the highest form of excellence! May you always walk in light! May your days always be bright! God be with you. Take care and be well! Sincerely Lanis P.S. you're a wonderful person.

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jun 9, '05 nightscamp said hey babe... Sorry you feel you have to go. But anyway, it's a new chapter of life you're working on now. Leave what you have to behind, and ensure that you do move on and move strong! I wish you all the best in your every endevioure. May the light and love of God be with you, guarding and guiding you always through your journey. I hope that you acheive what you've left to achieve, and I hope that you do so to the highest form of excellence! May you always walk in light! May your days always be bright! God be with you. Take care and be well! Sincerely Lanis P.S. you're a wonderful person. thanx for the words, i get touched when people wish me God bless cause thats what keep me going strong for all these years, i'm amazed that i still survive well in UK now, its really God bless.

delete reply pohmui wrote on Jun 9, '05, edited on Jun 9, '05 GoD bLeSs.... (get touched) well, susan, we stop writing not because of the world just ended, not because the light goes off but because the new chapter had not began. Hope to see you blogging your new chapter of life when it began. Your light will never burnt off. Hmm.. it reminded me of a poem "Angels of peace.." Anyway.. Your new chapter will begin real soon.

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jun 10, '05, edited on Jun 10, '05 tammy, its great getting replies from you now and then. just wanna say thanx. well, indeed my new chapter of life have begin, but with alot of tears and heartache. words have powers and its harmful when people mis-use it. one things stopping me from blogging is because words hurts me so much until i have no will to write anymore. to any bloggers out there, blogging is not an easy tool to vent your frustration or complain towards particular someone when you can't do it in reality. its done more harm to the person than you can ever imagine.

delete reply nightscamp wrote on Jun 10, '05 atlantisian said thanx for the words, i get touched when people wish me God bless cause thats what keep me going strong for all these years, i'm amazed that i still survive well in UK now, its really God bless. I Always believe that God is there for His children, even if they don't believe in Him... God IS always there for you and that's why you've survived and will continue to survive... You are strong within. Always believe and always grow stronger... You have what you need to always make the best of life. hugs* God bless and love be with you always! Lanis

delete reply eugenetwj wrote on Jun 10, '05 Susan... you still owe me a song. Dont just leave like that. Sigh.. Well susan, whats gotta come gotta come. All of us bloggers experienced it sometime. Bloggers block i call it. Hehe... But anyway, you're welcome back to blogging anytime ya. Will read your articles anyday. Except for the day that im most busy writing my own :)

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jun 11, '05 eugenetwj said Susan... you still owe me a song. Dont just leave like that. Sigh.. Well susan, whats gotta come gotta come. All of us bloggers experienced it sometime. Bloggers block i call it. Hehe... But anyway, you're welcome back to blogging anytime ya. Will read your articles anyday. Except for the day that im most busy writing my own :) yeah, i constantly read yours too. and it makes my days shine just to read your stuff, but for the mean time, pen off.

delete reply eugenetwj wrote on Jun 11, '05 Or more like, Keyboard Off. ;) Listen to Lanis

delete reply banana2 wrote on Jun 9, '05 yesterday still got post, today say don't want to write anymore... wonder why... anyway, ur blogs are famous and u have some loyal readers, and i am look forward to ur next story! enjoy writing! have fun! don't be stressed! amatuer don't write everyday!

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jun 9, '05 banana2 said yesterday still got post, today say don't want to write anymore... wonder why... anyway, ur blogs are famous and u have some loyal readers, and i am look forward to ur next story! enjoy writing! have fun! don't be stressed! amatuer don't write everyday! jinhaw, you have been a great friend to share my blog with, and i am thankful for that. Things happened and hurt was done, its something that i least expected to received. and i dont have the will to carry on blogging anymore. anyway, i will still felt happy to read constantly what you write, at least its reminding me the pleasure of blogging that once i loved so much.

delete reply lyonlionel wrote on Jun 9, '05 as others have said, you will be missed. perhaps one day....

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jun 9, '05 lyonlionel said as others have said, you will be missed. perhaps one day.... lyon, i'm stepping the same road as once you went through and now i really understand why you do that. guess we are the same kind. cheers, life sucks.

delete reply yjunhan wrote on Jun 15, '05, edited on Jun 15, '05 Hey susan, u kno wat?? I alwiz find u bloggers interesting people!! The way u guys write about & describe juz most of the things fascinate me & i'm dead serious!! I really do enjoy reading ur pieces!! i dun really kno wat u've been thru, but i wud think its quite a harsh thing that u came across...nevertheless, stay strong!! i alwiz thought u were a happy person with strong will & determination! Don't let an obstacle stop u from wat u've been doing! It's not worth it! Continue writing, when inspiration comes! Like Lok Cheng's favourite quote: Never stop to begin; Never begin to stop! Best wishes =)

delete reply pohmui wrote on Jun 15, '05 Never stop to begin; Never begin to stop! good quote.... never begin to stop..

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Jun 15, '05 yjunhan said Hey susan, u kno wat?? I alwiz find u bloggers interesting people!! The way u guys write about & describe juz most of the things fascinate me & i'm dead serious!! I really do enjoy reading ur pieces!! i dun really kno wat u've been thru, but i wud think its quite a harsh thing that u came across...nevertheless, stay strong!! i alwiz thought u were a happy person with strong will & determination! Don't let an obstacle stop u from wat u've been doing! It's not worth it! Continue writing, when inspiration comes! Like Lok Cheng's favourite quote: Never stop to begin; Never begin to stop! Best wishes =) thanx for the words, it meant alot for me. at times, i thought that life can be so much easier if i care less and just do whatever i want to do, but the fact that when we living in this earth, circle by so many people, its hard to practice detachment. for the moment, the feeling still bugging me, guess i just have to hibernate for a while first.

delete reply garypkh wrote on Jun 15, '05 I really think that you should take things slowly and RELAX... No point rushing to something and end up regretting it later in your life. Maybe you should stop thinking too much, relax for a while and let the fate deals with it. Very often things will turn out to be just fine...

delete reply john3sixteen wrote on Aug 17, '05 atlantisian said For me its because the road had come to its end. my friends deserted me, my motivation to write left me, my love for doing something i love to do is gone. Therefore this is the end. Someday i might write again, or there will be no someday. These are my final words. For someone who has only began to really read multiply blogs, your last entry has really come unexpected. Two months have passed since this journal entry. Have things changed for you? We all lose our motivation to write. Sometimes life deals us a bad card and we feel like leaving everything behind and moving on without getting over things. Have your friends deserted you? Fear not and look around you, there are new friends to be made. Better that you stop writing than you to stop hoping. It is not the end. I refuse to believe that it is the end for you. For we are made more than conquerors and we will never be alone though circumstances seem to tell us that we have nothing to look forward to anymore. No how bad things go, you still have friends like us madcap CB coursemates. We may be poor substitutes to those you left behind in Malaysia, we all learn to make do and make more of our surroundings. You are a strong person. You have a strong personality. Blogs reveal the personal side of you, a page of truth in your life. But never forget to be truthful to yourself. If you have any problems or sorrow, friends are here to share them with you. I won't be seeing you soon when you return to Malaysia and back here to Liverpool, but I will never give up praying that things will be fine for you. Life has much to offer a daughter of God. Be strong. I know you will make it.