It was sad sad day, the rain poured crazily from the sky, so as my heart.
Saturday dawn
I woke up with cold sweat after a bad dream in the middle of the night. Had a bad, bad feeling. I wished to call you during that time. However my impromptu act was called to a halt when sensibility strikes me. What for I’m bothering you with such a tiny winy matter. Hence, I went back to sleep.
It was 530am when I first called you on early Saturday morning. The calling tone dies in silence, it went countless times until I started to felt frustrated. I remembered last night that you told me you left the charger in office, I make a very bad assumption that your phone run out of batteries. Hence I tried your house phone number, the silence is deepening. I went through a very lonely and quiet Saturday early work without your usual morning and I love you greeting.
Reach home at 930am after work, still cant get you through the line. Lose all the patience by that time. Telling myself that even if you called, I will tell you that I’m too busy to talk with you now cuz I have to revise. A lousy excuse, another pathetic women egoism. 1030am, your-sorry-i-m-out-that-time call never came. I tried to call your home again. Still, silence prevailed. You have never been such inconsiderate before. Even if you are busy you will message me to call back later. I can analyzed my feelings no more, upset, worried, distracted.
1130am, I tried to call again, telling myself that this will be the last time I call you for the day. Still, no one pick up the phone, my mind drifted off, imagined kui kui and miko will be barking like crazy when the phone rang so frequently, but the hall will still be empty and silent. Started to wonder why your mom was never at home as well for the whole day. Doubts and worries continue to churn me, the words on the revision note looked alien to me. In the midst of the mixed feeling, my mind was busied thinking about all the ways to make you feel sorry when you called back later.
But your call never came.
12pm. An unfamiliar Malaysian phone number appeared on my phone screen. Its your brother, I felt more confused than surprise.
‘Peter met an accident’
My brain went blank, I experienced a momentary brain paralysis. The sentences echoed in my head.
Peter met an accident
Peter met an accident
Peter met an accident
Peter met an accident
Peter met an accident……
And then, my world went silence.
Devastatingly silence.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Friday, April 21, 2006
my EGG
Craig gave me a pleasant surprise after the tuition class last monday.
'Susan, here's an easter present for you.' He said to me with a pretty-boy-shy-smile.
i went totally speechless watching the L-A-R-G-E purple egg he handed to me. *sob* i am very very touched indeed. Hugged and wished him and his mom happy easter day in advance and i went off to the train station with a heart blossomed with warmness.
*satisfaction sigh*
i'm not bluffing in saying that i had the best two students in the whole world. Craig is always the shy one, with the thick liverpoodian accent and typical english boy smile. He is one head taller than me and its quite hard to tell that he is only 16 from his matured outlook. Although he didnt talk too much but from the response i do feel that he understood what i am teaching. Ocassionally, he will asked some funny questions to me, like 'is this word mispelled?' lol. maybe he just wanna ask some questions to his chinese tutor and apparently thats the best question he can come out with.
Felt no regrets that i'm accepting the home tutor job in the first place and decided not to give up when i find its quite difficult for me to travel for an hour by train every week to go to his house, not to mention the amount of time and effort that i have to put in to prepare the notes for the tuition. Chemistry a level, it has been ages since i did chemistry module last time in my degree studies.
i will blogged about another student of mine, scott (whom his parents owns a massive 4 floor banglo and 5-6 cars) next time.
'Susan, here's an easter present for you.' He said to me with a pretty-boy-shy-smile.
i went totally speechless watching the L-A-R-G-E purple egg he handed to me. *sob* i am very very touched indeed. Hugged and wished him and his mom happy easter day in advance and i went off to the train station with a heart blossomed with warmness.
*satisfaction sigh*
i'm not bluffing in saying that i had the best two students in the whole world. Craig is always the shy one, with the thick liverpoodian accent and typical english boy smile. He is one head taller than me and its quite hard to tell that he is only 16 from his matured outlook. Although he didnt talk too much but from the response i do feel that he understood what i am teaching. Ocassionally, he will asked some funny questions to me, like 'is this word mispelled?' lol. maybe he just wanna ask some questions to his chinese tutor and apparently thats the best question he can come out with.
Felt no regrets that i'm accepting the home tutor job in the first place and decided not to give up when i find its quite difficult for me to travel for an hour by train every week to go to his house, not to mention the amount of time and effort that i have to put in to prepare the notes for the tuition. Chemistry a level, it has been ages since i did chemistry module last time in my degree studies.
i will blogged about another student of mine, scott (whom his parents owns a massive 4 floor banglo and 5-6 cars) next time.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
david gray 'babylon'
remember listening to this song ages ago, but i can never understand the true meaning of the lyrics. well, according to bible, babylon is the most civilised city with the finest education during ancient time, ironically was ruined by God due to the same reason, intelligent leads to proud, proud leads to ignorant, ignorant leads to destruction.
anyway, i still cant find the connection between Babylon and the description of a man which desire for love as described in the lyrics. But still, i like the verse 'Let go of your heart, let go of your head, and feel it now'. Too much of rationality and emotional sometimes is a barrier of love. love now, by instict, no hesitation!
Artist: David Gray
"Babylon"
Friday night I'm going nowhere
All the lights are changing green to red
Turning over TV stations
Situations running through my head
Well looking back through time
You know it's clear that I've been blind
I've been a fool
To ever open up my heart
To all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule
Saturday I'm running wild
And all the lights are changing red to green
Moving through the crowd I'm pushing
Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream
Only wish that you were here
You know I'm seeing it so clear
I've been afraid
To tell you how I really feel
Admit to some of those bad mistakes I've made
If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Babylon, Babylon
Sunday all the lights of London
Shining , Sky is fading red to blue
I'm kicking through the Autumn leaves
And wondering where it is you might be going to
Turning back for home
You know I'm feeling so alone
I can't believe
Climbing on the stair
I turn around to see you smiling there
In front of me
If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Babylon, Babylon, Babylon
anyway, i still cant find the connection between Babylon and the description of a man which desire for love as described in the lyrics. But still, i like the verse 'Let go of your heart, let go of your head, and feel it now'. Too much of rationality and emotional sometimes is a barrier of love. love now, by instict, no hesitation!
Artist: David Gray
"Babylon"
Friday night I'm going nowhere
All the lights are changing green to red
Turning over TV stations
Situations running through my head
Well looking back through time
You know it's clear that I've been blind
I've been a fool
To ever open up my heart
To all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule
Saturday I'm running wild
And all the lights are changing red to green
Moving through the crowd I'm pushing
Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream
Only wish that you were here
You know I'm seeing it so clear
I've been afraid
To tell you how I really feel
Admit to some of those bad mistakes I've made
If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Babylon, Babylon
Sunday all the lights of London
Shining , Sky is fading red to blue
I'm kicking through the Autumn leaves
And wondering where it is you might be going to
Turning back for home
You know I'm feeling so alone
I can't believe
Climbing on the stair
I turn around to see you smiling there
In front of me
If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Babylon, Babylon, Babylon
Saturday, April 08, 2006
content part 2
'I may have looked lonely, but I never felt insignificant or alone. Sometimes letting my mind wander and I was suddenly glad it was just me. I'm very rarely alone in the sense that another person's physical presence is usually with me. Then again, sometimes no matter where I go or who I'm with, I'm alone. I can be in a room with a hundred people and still I'm completely alone."
~I felt alive, Jan 22, '05 3:01 PM, atlantisian@mutiply.com
that's what i wrote a year ago in my first blog, when i looked at the verse today, i still find the contented feeling within me when i am alone, yeah, the solitude, the loneliness still moved me the same way as a year before. I think living in UK for a year didnt really change me much then.
Most of the people measure the sparks and glorious moments in their life with excitement and extreme experiences. For me, the most contented moments in my life are the most typical incidents that happens in daily life.
This morning at 5.58am, while walking down the usual route to M&S, the familiar street that i walked countless times everyday looked alien to me. i guess the texture of night can create an alien landscape, even though you might be in places that are familiar and comfortable during the daytime. And when i looked up the sky, i saw the most astonishing scenery, the moon started to streak as if she is going somewhere, while on the other side of the earth, the sun started to emerge from the horizontal line. I stood in awe, absorbed the sudden peaceful feelings blossomed inside of me, and i am content.
yeah, a new day had began.
~I felt alive, Jan 22, '05 3:01 PM, atlantisian@mutiply.com
that's what i wrote a year ago in my first blog, when i looked at the verse today, i still find the contented feeling within me when i am alone, yeah, the solitude, the loneliness still moved me the same way as a year before. I think living in UK for a year didnt really change me much then.
Most of the people measure the sparks and glorious moments in their life with excitement and extreme experiences. For me, the most contented moments in my life are the most typical incidents that happens in daily life.
This morning at 5.58am, while walking down the usual route to M&S, the familiar street that i walked countless times everyday looked alien to me. i guess the texture of night can create an alien landscape, even though you might be in places that are familiar and comfortable during the daytime. And when i looked up the sky, i saw the most astonishing scenery, the moon started to streak as if she is going somewhere, while on the other side of the earth, the sun started to emerge from the horizontal line. I stood in awe, absorbed the sudden peaceful feelings blossomed inside of me, and i am content.
yeah, a new day had began.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
content
Going through a bad bad week, the pressure from coming examination and massive workload just blown me off. suffocating.
Thinking of get rid of the music player from my blog, cuz everytime when i log into the page, the depressed music that i had uploaded just make me more tense than ever, lose all the appetitite to blog. i'm gonna take a leave from the world of pop or contemporary music for a while. In fact i'm having a good time listening to a very nice instrumental album at the moment. Laura Sullivan 'Hawaiian island'. A pianist and composer which has a very unique touch for new age music. nice. soothing.
anyway, was browse through some rare blogs today, taking a leave from those frequently-updated popular blogs as well. eg. xiaxue bimbo blogs and kenny sia blogs, yeah its bitchy, its entertaining, its humurous, it bring pleasure to my senses and yeah it even make me choke once in a while. but somehow i do think that their appearance glimmers much more than its subtance. its nice to read when its still fresh, but after awhile, like the after taste of drinking coke, bland sweet, it shucks.
talking about the rare blogs that i browse through, there is a verse from a not- really-a-friend's blog that moved me so much.
Was driving back on monday and suddenly decided to make a pit stop at Bukit G-Spot. The soft humming of the engine, the rustle of the leaves, the bright flickers of the city just out of reach, smoke swriling around my fingertips, the slow laboured inhalation/exhalation of smoke, the whipers of cars cutting thru the silent still air, and most important of all, the sweet sounds of Feist gently pouring out my speakers.
"I ain't no vision, I'm the girl
who loves you inside and out
Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out
I love no other way
What are we gonna do if we lose that fire?"
I think this is how infinite feels like. I may not have a pickup truck, a tunnel to zoom through, the silent vacuum right before the explosion of color and sound, but this is good enough for now and I am content[http://bending0ver.blogspot.com/]
The words just moved me, yeah, i miss the solitude, the content feeling. i miss the unstirred emotion, i miss the fact that i hear nothing from the crowd but the sounds of the wind blows softly beside my ears.
i miss just being i-am-alone.
Thinking of get rid of the music player from my blog, cuz everytime when i log into the page, the depressed music that i had uploaded just make me more tense than ever, lose all the appetitite to blog. i'm gonna take a leave from the world of pop or contemporary music for a while. In fact i'm having a good time listening to a very nice instrumental album at the moment. Laura Sullivan 'Hawaiian island'. A pianist and composer which has a very unique touch for new age music. nice. soothing.
anyway, was browse through some rare blogs today, taking a leave from those frequently-updated popular blogs as well. eg. xiaxue bimbo blogs and kenny sia blogs, yeah its bitchy, its entertaining, its humurous, it bring pleasure to my senses and yeah it even make me choke once in a while. but somehow i do think that their appearance glimmers much more than its subtance. its nice to read when its still fresh, but after awhile, like the after taste of drinking coke, bland sweet, it shucks.
talking about the rare blogs that i browse through, there is a verse from a not- really-a-friend's blog that moved me so much.
Was driving back on monday and suddenly decided to make a pit stop at Bukit G-Spot. The soft humming of the engine, the rustle of the leaves, the bright flickers of the city just out of reach, smoke swriling around my fingertips, the slow laboured inhalation/exhalation of smoke, the whipers of cars cutting thru the silent still air, and most important of all, the sweet sounds of Feist gently pouring out my speakers.
"I ain't no vision, I'm the girl
who loves you inside and out
Backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out
I love no other way
What are we gonna do if we lose that fire?"
I think this is how infinite feels like. I may not have a pickup truck, a tunnel to zoom through, the silent vacuum right before the explosion of color and sound, but this is good enough for now and I am content[http://bending0ver.blogspot.com/]
The words just moved me, yeah, i miss the solitude, the content feeling. i miss the unstirred emotion, i miss the fact that i hear nothing from the crowd but the sounds of the wind blows softly beside my ears.
i miss just being i-am-alone.
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