Neither here nor there

God put the Israelites in the wilderness for 40 years before they entered into the promise land.

Sometimes, i asked myself. Am i still in the wilderness?

Not just in the spiritual context, but in this earthly body as well. How mature am i? How meaningful is my life now? how well did i fulfill my role as a daughter to my parents, a christian to my fellow brethren, a fiancee to my love, an elder sister to my brother.

Am i still wandering around when i am suppose to do things i should do? whining and complaining when things get tough? sway and distracted easily from my goal and purpose?

The recent family issue and on going house renovation issue had shaken the core of my confidence. Suddenly, i am neither here nor there. Seed of doubts was planted and blossoming. I'm no more certain about the calling, the purpose, the goal, the direction, the vision, even the sights which was crystal clear to me before. And the scary thing is, without all these, there is no yardstick to tell me how well i did, there is no boundaries to tell me whether am i still on the right track.

Pastor Chuan shared something about faith last week: faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. I certainly cant see anything now, nor i know whether my hope is certain. Maybe i just lack of faith.

I wonder how long more this 40 years gonna last.

Photo-blogging 040810

Finished the first two books of the Sookie Stakehouse vampire series. i would sum it up by saying its an adult version of twilight. Entertaining, bloody, nothing inspiring though. The drama series "True Blood" wasn't that great either, it loosely follows the original storyline, too much nudity, am surprised they even allow it to be aired on HBO.

i think i will stick with the book rather than the drama series at the moment. Anyway, my hand is itching to buy the entire series now. Amazon offered it at the price of 34.99 for the collection of 8 books, quite an amazing bargain i must say. Anyone bought anything from Amazon before? would need some advice here.

Am hooked with "The Host" for the past 3 nights. The book is much much better compare to the twilight series. The only flaw of the book is that the story flows at stephenie meyer's pace, if you know what i'm saying. Will come out with a proper review once i finished the book, another quarter to go.

Other than that, i am still a bit homesick i think. All i did since i came back from Kuching trip was just lying on the bed and reading, non stop....

which justify why i should buy more books. ;)

At home

The moment the plane touched down LCCT yesterday, my heart was in the state of tug of war. On one hand i'm glad to come back to the place which i've slowly grew attached to for the past 4 years; on another hand, i doubt that my heart will ever register this city as a place i can call my home.

It was easy to walk along the old and rugged shops at the street of Kuching's 7th mile and smile from my heart in reminiscence of old schooling days; it was easy to walk hand in hand with my mom, aimlessly in the neighborhood, just to enjoy the sunset and the presence of each other; it was easy to laugh at the silly act of my 29 years old sister and 22 years old brother, running away from the attack of God-knows-what flying insect; it was easy to lie on my bed, while listened to the cooking sound and nagging voice of my mom in the kitchen and felt nothing but contentment in my heart.

It was so easy to feel at home.

Ironically, it was easy to look at the sky scrappers which i've seen more than a million times and still felt totally foreign about it; it was easy to surround by people of different colors in a small cramp lift and suffocated by loneliness; it was easy to feel vulnerable and hurt when the only person i can call my family in this foreign land showed no sign of joy at the sight of me; it was easy to lie on the bed, in the room which i've inhabited for the past one year, and wondering what am i doing here.

It was so easy to feel not at home.