Becoming 30

Lately, i was talking to different people at different occasion but it was all about the same topic- becoming 30.

Whenever someone raised the topic (unintentionally), my observation is that there is always the same pattern of response. First, everyone will start to nod their head and cant wait to echo with 'amen'. Some will act a bit edgy and soon submerged into depression mode, then followed by the reminiscence epic on "those are the days....", finally the conversation ends with someone letting out a long sigh.

There are also times when the conversation just simply dies off cuz its a silent understanding that no matter how much we fret about getting old and we mourned about the end of our youthful days, we still have to face the fact that its coming, willingly or by force.

Most of friends who are in late 20's, shudder at the thought of stepping into the world of 30 (++) years old uncle and auntie. But i find that ironically, at one hand we fret that clock is clicking too fast, but on another hand we rush to do more things as though we cant wait to become 30's. Remember how we rushed through our secondary school life to get a car license or a boyfriend? how we rushed through college thinking what job to go for when we are out there, and when we finally landed with a job, we start to plan to get next promotion. And at mid 20s, we rushed to get our first 10k, then 100k, then a car, then a house, ohh... not forgetting getting hitched and some toddles by chance. In a nutshell, we work our days in and out so that we can be happily settled at 30s.

But what about living the moment? for that particular of time/phase of your life and enjoy it to the fullest? Sometimes, we rush for wanting to get the next thing which may not be necessary during that point of time.

So is it that sad to become 30? Frankly i dont think so.... if we know how to live the moment and embrace what life gotta offer to us during that stage.

I guess its no longer secret that I have only 4 years to go before i'm qualified for such entitlement. But apart from the extra wrinkles and loosening of muscle tone, am actually welcome the idea of becoming 30s.

I dont feel the need to return to or prolong the estrogen pumping, insecurity and emotional days of my 20s. There are only so many heartbreaks, so many 12 hours a day 6 days a week working madness a girl can take. My life is good, i have good job, good friends, good love relationship and so there are no need for me to dwell in my sweet 20s any longer than it should.

Responsibilities aside, i think 30s is when the true harvesting started. I had learn enough and work enough (and pak tor enough) to be in the state i'm in or with the person i'm with today. I can afford to splurge on a fancy dinner one night without ripping a hole in my budget; i can stay at home potato couch-ing the entire Saturday without worrying of being a loser for not having any plans for weekend; On those cold rainy night, i can cuddled with my love and sigh in contentment instead of msn-chatting with some stranger to fill the blackhole of loneliness inside..

So happy birthday dear, you still have 2 years to go before the sweet 30 comes, but be assure that i'll be there to have the fancy dinner with you, lying on the couch watching tele with you and cuddle you tight through cold rainy night.

am not suicidal

Peter said i sounded suicidal in the previous post ... (-_-''')

To be honest i am not, the post was the output of an impromptu splurge, which was part of the natural reponse of the body feedback loop towards stimulants such as stress and physical fatigues.

In fact i think the 'out of body' experience which i had that night is the natural way of my mind 'rejuvenating' itself, an emotional cleansing process to empty myself and to re fill my chi or chakra in order to fight the physical exhaustion and enervation.

Anyway here comes the proof that i'm still have my sanity firmly intact.

But frankly, i do feel that i'm ready to 'go' during that night. If 2012 was realized during that moment, i think i would extend my arm and welcome the fireballs to engulf me completely.

...... this reminds me of Charlie Frost, the nutty fella who predicted the end of the world in 2012, but turns into ash when the volcano exploded.

I take back my word.

where we're going

I had a long day at work yesterday, an unexpected family crisis happened at noon, a heated debate during management meeting, a series of nasty emails firing to and fro (God forbid me). Its not bitter or resentment which i felt, am just exhausted and drained, inside out, outside in.

I cant find a better sentences to describe this but the reality of life engulfed me.

When i was on Jalan Tun Razak cruising home at 8pm, it was still raining like cats and dogs. My heart was low and my mind was numb. The pebbles of rain drops hitting hard on the windscreen, one moment it was blurred, but clearly wiped the next moment, and the motion repeated, blurred, cleared, blurred, cleared ....

Do you think I'm special?
Do you think I'm nice?
Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces?
Between the noise you hear
And the sound you like
Are we just sinking in an ocean of faces?

It can be possible that rain can fall,
Only when it's over our heads
The sun is shining everyday, but it's far away
Over the world is death.

Ryan Tedder mourned a world goes wrong from the stereo. I dont know why but he sounded so sad in "All the right moves".

They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down

The voice hit me, hard, the sentence was replayed over and over in my head...

Everybody knows where we're going
but we're going down
.......
i know where i'm going
am i going down?

It was a complete darkness which i felt inside, a blank moment, a deafening moment, as though the time stopped, and the world ceased to spin at its axis. It was an undescribable feeling of nothing matters anymore.

It was nothing to start with, and nothing in the end.

And then i realized that i'm driving at the speed of 100km/hr on a dark winding road. i was on auto pilot mode for the past 15 mins. As soon as i've realized this, the moment was snapped and gone.

I still cant articulate in words whats gotten to me that night. It an unutterable and ineffable moment which i feel that i am ready to go, and that nothing matters anymore. Work stress, family matters, religious issues .... am ready to let it go.

And i thought i wont write any emo blog for the time being.