I need to slow down

It has been quite a while since the last time i'm writting in this blog, i realized that i've tendency to switch from my multiply blog to blogspot, and vice versa, and end up having my posts scattered here and there. However, one thing i love about blogging in blogspot is that i have more privacy as not many of my friends/mates knew the existence of this blog. As such i am free to write whatever i want, without much of 'censoring' or re-editing to cater to the liking of some people, who always ever ready to back stab me using the words which i've vented unintentionally out of frustration and anger during the heat of the moment.

Anyway, life has been progressing so much since the past one year that sometimes i felt like i've been consumed alive by its fast pace; its like being sucked into a black hole not knowing where am i and what awaits infront of me. Pieces of incidents flying passed through my eyes in such a speed that its likes watching broken sections of an incomplete movie. Although i am the main actress, however i find it hard to relate nor to comprehend it in a meaningful manner. The sense of purpose is not obvious as it used to be, and sometimes i cant even digest and reflect whether the actions which i have taken are trully edifying to my personal development or its just a waste of time.

To be truth, its scary. Being attached to so many responsibilities, financial commitment; to be given the right to makes informed decision in life; to be given a higher position to command others; to be expected to master in juggling with so many roles (christian, leader, daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend etc.). ALL of these are new to me, its overwhelming (not in a positive context).

I am scared that i might lost the first love, the simple me who appreciates that life is beautiful, that i have so much to give and so much to experience more. And i miss myself who used to be able to connect to people in such an effortless and natural gesture; who used to sing her heart out and able to relate herself to a song easily; who used to have so many wild thoughts and brave to put it into actions; who used to be able to paint out a picture of myself in future with such a clear direction.

I know i need to slow down, not doing things to finish and rush to the next thing but to enjoy in doing it in the first place. I dont want to end up like a hamster running on a treadmill, racing frantically towards the time, knowing it will lead to nowhere, accept round and round.

I need to slow down....