My spiritual journey

Congrates CS for joining the body of christ!


Me and the girls went to witness CS baptism in Citychurch last Sunday, we supposed to send our blessing to her on her baptism but instead, we went back home with a heart felt so blessed. i was moved by the testimony of the 4 baby christians that get baptised along with CS that day. i can see the joyfulness that flickering in their eyes and the contagious smile radiance across the miles when they shared in front of the congression how jesus changed their lives. I felt very very honored, for witnessing a holy convenent being made, between the heavenly Father Himself and the people who willing to follow Him.

I never have an exact spiritual birthday like other christians. I did baptized, but with no self conscious nor free will, as i'm baptized at the age of 1. Baptism supposingly is a symbol of spiritual reborn and signify the starting of the christian journey. However those important stage remained missing from my christian life.

Speaking from my own experience, being raised in a christian family or being a life long christian is not a pure bliss as other people might have thought so. in fact it was full of struggling and self-denial. Since i was young, i knew that my life is not belong to myself, and its in The Almighty hand. It was christianity teaching and God's words which had shaped me to the person i am today. with the endless of christian must-do list and not-to-do list, i have ignored my own desires and my thoughts. there is no transformation, no changing of heart i experienced as i lived a perfect christian-like life for 18 years of my life.

I was hemmed in by 4 walls of church, i was very safe, however i still felt that i might fall over the edge. i have all sorts of thoughts scrambled in my minds during that time, what if we live in a flat world rather than a sphere world so that just the thing that seemed so far away were, in fact just on other side? what if on the other side of rules and regulation was possibilities, what if the other side of believe is naive? i felt that i would fall over the edge of the world easily, once i leave the protective wall of the church, and my family.

I never knew that it will screw myself that much until i saw the image of the distorted me shadowed on my closest person-my younger brother. Anxiety had churned him inside out and he suffered insomnia and strung nerve all the time. my heart was torn badly for him and until it came to an extent that i cant differentiate the fact that am i grieved for him or myself.

on that stage, the truth striked me hard on the face, who is God and what He has to do with my life? why am i live for someone that i claimed is my savior yet i never experienced his grace on me before? everyday i felt like losing myself as i was shaped into a perfect christian mold. And at that moment of time i went to attend a christian retreat camp, for a week i was isolated from the hustle and bustle of the city. I reflected on the past 18 years on my life and cried to the Lord to reveal himself to me as i'm in the verge of giving up.

The last day of the camp is the start of the my spiritual journey, I received the gift of holy spirit and was reborn. The love of God touched me so much and i was cried like a baby in front of the Reverent. Words can merely explained what i felt and even now i still felt speechless, stand in awe i am, everytime i'm in the midst of the presence of the Lord.

i didnt lose myself and my identity when i became a christian, in fact HE has found me and i was bestowed with another name beside Susan. the one full of blesses, which exactly what's my name-Susan means.

indeed, i'm blessed.

resolved

Happy birthdy to you. May 5, '06 10:57 AM
Happy birthday.

It has been ages since i talked to you. this is not a carefree action or something that i do spontaneously. i have been thinking of email you for ages, yet it seems like i'm seriously lack of courage.

well, its has been years since the whole incident happened, no point in keep dragging it for another 4-5 years. I heard that you will be going back to Malaysia soon. well, just dun want to lose the chance to resolved this matter with you when we still can. wanna say 'i'm sorry' for every incosiderate things that i've done when we are still together. i always treasure you as a good friend, and the hurts that we went through was regrettable but unavoidable.

i dunno whether we will still have chance to become friends again or not, with time and distance between us, with so many empty years that missing between us after the breakup. well, i just let Our heavenly father decide it all. see hows He lead us. But just wanna let you know that i'm greatful for the times we once had together, and it shall remains secure in my memory box.

all the best my friend. wherever you go, may good shower you with blessing and endless love. again, happy birthday.

ming.

yeuking wrote today at 11:25 AM
Thanks for your blessing... I'm really good... Can heard from you is my great great present on this year.


something i should do ages ago, say sorry to my ex. and yes, after 4 years of seperation, i finally able to do so.

*feel proud of myself*

now i'm finally free from my past. i always blamed myself for not being a good girlfriend and i hated him cuz he made me became that not-a-good-girlfriend. after the harsh breakup, the days passed by dreadfully, and i started to ask myself, why on earth i have to carry those hurtful accusation with me, those words that cut me so deep over the years. and yeah, i tried my best to forget about it, but running away is never a solution to a problem.

*phew*

knowing that it hold no power to me anymore just makes me felt free. i'm relieved, its all past tense now and i have a better life to look ahead to, with someone that loves me and appreciates me.

*felt contented*

The nottingham trip 2

Went to meet an old friend, Daniel last week in Nottingham. He is a friend that i'm quite close to, sometimes... and sometimes not. we were in different groups during our college years, we have totally different interests and characters (well, mostly because he is a bit 'soft' externally). Two complate strangers but have our life intersect due to the fact that both of us originate from the cat city, Kuching. i still remembered the endless long talks we had in the KLIA airport while waiting in the queque to squeeze our butt into any available seats for MAS flight to Sarawak. well, its all history now as airasia bloody cheap ticket came to save the day.

We spent quite a few sunset together watching aeroplane flew and landed, the nicest environment to have decent conversation and for friendship to bloom. and yet we remain as flight mate for the four years of our college days. I guess some friends are meant for the 'moment' and not always.

come back to my story, The nottingham trip was alright, went to the nottingham castle, saw the Robinhood statue, wondering around the city centre. The most interesting part is the visit to the Nottingham university. With the lake and swams swimming gracefully, the greenest and widest fields, rows and rows of cherry blossoms, nice hostel, the university looks like a holiday resort than a place to study.

we have a nice double scoop ice cream while watching the ducks diving into the water showing their butt to us. walking through fields and fields watching couples laying on the grass sunbathing and hot blokes playing footballs. Gosh, it reminded me of the Beverly Hills 90210, feels like the heavenly university life. And of course we have lots and lots of picture taken.

The whole trip was in a rush though, cuz we have to catch the train back to liverpool at 6pm. That night, when i looked through the photos taken during the trip, warm feelings blossomed inside of me. We were smiling so happily in the picture, just like the good old days when we were still in college. i like to believe that the me on that day were frozen in time forever when the photos was snapped. Apart of me will always remained in that moment of time. The smile that we had will last for eternity in that picture.

Nottingham trip

having a day trip to Nottingham last wednesday. the detail will be in the next blog. here are some of the pictures.


the four girls

with the tour guide, Daniel

i like this picture the most....