My Working Life after 4 months

This is the first time i've written such a boring post i guess, nothing on food, music, travel or PMS. I think i have lost my sensuality and sensibility since i am happily 'bercouple' for more than 2 years now. Personally i think, a person can only write heart achingly beautiful words when the person is either:

1. still in the sun-dont-shine-if-you-dont-smile 'madly in love' period, or

2. lonely and desperate for someone to love,or

3. just broke up with boyfriend/girlfriend,or

4. having a long distance relationship

Well, i am not in those categories anymore, which make me a fairly boring person (T.T). However, i've always wanted to write something which is related to my science background, but most of the time it came out to be quite.... BORING. anyway, i've decided to post it, so here come my boring post.

It has been 4 months since I've started to work and 7 months since i came back from UK. A lot of things had happened, but ironically, a lot of things actually didn't happened either. For instance, i am hopping to get a researcher post initially, but unfortunately (or luckily?!?) ended up in a post which i loathed and despised all my life- business development executive. To be truth until now, the word 'business' still reminds me of the salesman who used to knock on my door and hassle me persistently everyday, and the stereotypical business man who always carry business cards in their pocket (well, its kinda sounds like me now), so that they can 'networking' anytime and anywhere.

With all the misconception I've entered the so called business world. However, surprisingly it turns up to be quite interesting. I'm not sure whether it applies to all the industries or not, but for life sciences industry, business life is really challenging. Everyday is a challenging day for me as i have to speak different language with people of different level of professionalism such as government people, doctors and researchers. It requires much more than just fluent English and in depth science knowledge, i have to talk rocket sciences in a way which will not bore them but ignite their interest at the same time communicating the value proposition to them. I am not boasting when i say that part of my job is to 'educate' the 'conventional' researcher who sit comfortably in their office, where their world only revolves around publishing scientific paper. yes, of course its glorious to have your name printed on the journals. However, whats exactly is the value of the paper? so that other researchers can cite your work? what they don't see is that their research work of their blood and sweat can be more than just a academically recognition, it can be a useful application or a solution to a problem in real life which benefits the society and human well being in a bigger picture.

One thing which i have come to realization after 4 months of work, how irrelevant my master is when it comes to the real working environment. 

Through a glass, darkly

Time slowly approaching 2008, another new year. Sad to say, i'm not eager or looking foward to the starting of this very new year at all.

It has been quite difficult for me for the last couple of days, received a news which really turn my world upside down. My mind is in chaotic stage and i have to think very hard about the past incidents in my life to relate myself to the news, to convince myself that its true. Deep inside me, i hope that i have never received the news in the first place and continue to live blissfully in ignorance. I cant really characterized that as a great ending to close the chapter of 2007. I doubt that anything good will come out in this last 6 hours before the clock hits 0:00. Guess it wont be a good start for 2008 either.

I begin to believe that i will never understand what life is all about. finishing the last stage, i thought i have learned something, gained some experience and its time to move on. Hence, i ran eagerly to the next stage, with all the purpose and courage.

Along the journey, i realized 'something', a lesson, a truth, or even something about myself which i never knew before. I may not comprehend and fully accept that something, but i know from that moment on, i have to carry that something until the end of days.

Along the journey, i lost something. a friend, an innocent part of me, a moment or even a memory. However the balance of the nature is always true. I do gained something as well, a new friend, a dog, a new perspective of viewing things, a new direction etc.

This time, its kind of slow that the realization finally come to me, how similar the last stage is compare to this stage, or maybe there isnt that much difference from the last last stage as well. I am just repeating the whole cycle again. The thought really makes me feel reluctant to try to make any resolution for 2008. Cuz i know, i may achieve certain things by the end of the day, but there are certain thing which i can never achieve no matter how hard i try, or there are something which will be lost no matter how strong i'm holding it.

I will never understand what life is all about, cuz its all through a glass, darkly....... (1 Corinthians 13:12)

Happy 2008.

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delete reply craziivan wrote on Jan 1, '08 Cheer up, 10 years from now you'd probably look back and not even remember what brought you down in the first place. I'm not belittleling what you're going through, just that we grow through hardship, and at the end of the day, we come out stronger. The worst thing anyone can do when faced with adversity is to get bitter and jaded

delete reply susanjade2 wrote on Feb 18, '08 Well it seems to me that you're not making N.Y. resolutions like me....but for different reasons. I just don't make them....full stop. At this moment (well back in the last days of 2007) you were feeling there seems no point in repeating yourself - what's the point eh? But that's natural. It's like any pain...most types of pain eventually go. Either that or you die....but then it won't matter then will it? It's not wonderful to hear at the low & confusing times....and doesn't even seem possible. But it's happened on a number of occasions. Just when you think there's nothing ahead but a blank wall - bumpf - there it is - an arrow pointing to a direction - where once there was no way of figuring how to get from here to there. I don't know what it is you're going thru - but taking time out to reflect on it - and what, where, and how of where to go from here & what it's all about - this is where time on your own - just you & the Lord - is a time to refresh that acquaintance. By the way....since I only read this today several weeks after you wrote this - and you're feeling on top of the world now - just ignore everything I've just said!

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Mar 5, '08 well, life moves on... no matter how bad it is, life moves on. like i said i may have to carry this for the rest of my life, but i have my way to deal with it, in His will.

delete reply susanjade2 wrote on Mar 10, '08 didn't know it was that bad......"may have to carry this for the rest of my life"..... it must've been hard whatever it was. Whatever it was - if you feel somehow responsible for the whatever - then make amends as best you can - at least say sorry. If it's not your fault - then in time....in this case a very long time....in time if you trust & rely in little things in little ways on our Lord....then surely a light will glow in your life. At first you may not even notice it....but bit by bit....it will happen. Then when you look back you'll see there's a reason why that situation/matter was left behind. Maybe things to learn how to deal with a similar situation in future. At the moment it won't feel that way....the days will seem dead and/or heavy....but they'll only continue to be like that - when we don't have/know G.

Delicate

今天，你哭了。。。
看见昔日挚友经社会的洗尘，清澈无垢的眼眸已不再；
那些曾经只有在电影电视里才会看到的场景，如今已悄然走近友人身边；
颓废，沉醉于人性的污浊中。
“ How did they sunk so low?"
你哭着问， 不了解，更不明白，
人的灵魂掉进黑暗的深渊里，却越坠越快乐。

一个十九岁的男生， 淌着男儿泪，
我的字句梗在喉咙里，一句话也吐不出来。
眼眶湿了，
为着你爱灵魂的心，也为着自己许多身旁的朋友忧伤，
他们平日谈笑风生，却在夜深人静时被孤单寂寞深深侵蚀，
像一只困兽似的挣扎，打钻，却怎么也出不来，
城市的寂寞，有时比毒药更要伤人。

或许他还不能明白，但我却明白，
那种空虚的滋味，无法自拔。
偶尔我也还是会这样，刹那间被无名的空虚所吞噬，
所有思绪被情感所主宰，胸口闷的好像要窒息似的，
逃亡似的一头栽到网络虚拟世界里，寻找温存，寻找安慰。

突然想起Damien Rice 的那首歌-Delicate，
两年前的自己差点崩溃，
绝望之时，心中不断地重覆着歌里那一句话
"Why do you fill my sorrow with the words you've borrowed?"
现在偶然听见这首歌，胸口仍会隐隐发疼。。。

Saturday, August 20, 2005
I feel my soul had emptied completely,
the emotion turmoil drained me of all strength,
numb and stone cold, sensation no more,
but the ironic thing is I still can feel the throbbing pain inside.
lying on the bed starring at the ceiling,
I'm waiting for the pain to subside,
But in the silence, my tears dropped.

I cried,
I cried,
And I cried...

Until my tears dried,
until I felt that I can cry no more.
I bent down my knees,
Silently, words by words,
I voiced it out.

Heavenly father,
why did they fill my sorrow with the words they've borrowed?
what did Iove done to deserve such a disgrace?
i have nothing to give, how can they ask for more?

I'm the worthless clay in The potter's hand.
mercy me.........

I finally slept,
and rested in The father's arm.

今夜，你睡在父的臂膀了吗？

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delete reply craziivan wrote on Dec 19, '07 Waaaaa?

delete reply susanjade2 wrote on Feb 25, '08 did you write this yourself....I know you typed it physically...what I mean is - did you compose it & not copied it from somewhere else?

edit delete reply atlantisian wrote on Mar 5, '08 nah, its not a song or anything. so you cant really said that its being composed. except the sentence 'why do you fill my sorrow with the words they've borrowed?' is extracted from a Damien Rice Song called 'Delicate'. Its just my personal feelings towards the sadness and emptiness of the so called city people, and i used to goes with the flow until one day being hurt badly by my own words which 'the accuser' had borrowed. anyway, those time....

delete reply susanjade2 wrote on Mar 10, '08 ......are gone right?