I am a girl

PC breakdown

frustrated.... exhausted.... helpless... devastated.

i didnt expect that the emotional turmoil will be that great last night, feels like almost unbearable. ironically at the same time, i felt pathetic for myself for being so easily emotionally disturbed and turbulenced, especially by a lifeless stupid electronic gadget. I thought i was independent and strong minded all this time. In the history of my whole life, i rarely allow myself to act like a 'weak one'. and i always think that a person's mind and will determine his/her altitude.

"Some people tend to forgot about others when they are to busy dealing and complaining about themselves. They tend to complain and nag or express anger, dissappointment and other sort of insignificant emotions that they forgot that the people who they vent their things to is also a human being. They are so immensely concentrating on being a drama queen and indulging in themselves they tend to think that the world revolves around them. "Oooh I am so sad, Ooh I am so dissappointed, Why dont you understand and yatta yatta yatta.........." Its not my fault that shit happens, its your fault, its the worlds fault its that taxi drivers fault and exhuming the same old sappy teart story from the past again and again and again."~Sinatraz

yeah, i was trying hard not to be THAT kind of person, in fact sometime i think those kind of people are really pathetic. Relying on other's comforts to assure their self-worthness, do nothing but pitying themself. and though i'm not those extremes that fight for WOMEN POWER or equality, but i always hate those prejudice who strereotypically labelled women as the "weak one". Through years, i had learnt not to express my emotion too much infront of others, not asking for help easily, even trying to be alone and enjoying my solitude.

But without realizing, i was tagged by "cold-blooded" by some of my friends.

The incident last night taught me something about myself that i had tried to ignore all these time. At the moment my tears fell down my face the minute i hear my love one's voice, i had came to realize one thing. I was trying to be strong, but i can't be strong all the time, i'm only a girl, a girl that crave for acceptance, a girl that need the tenderness and care, a girl that wish to stay in her father's protective arms forever, a girl that secretly hope for someone that she can depend on, someone that can be her santuary and refuge.

i know this really doesnt sound like me, but can i just be a little girl for a while?

A tribute

Finally finish with all the reports, takes me three days to get it all done before i went to exam hall next week to test my luck. Can barely breath nowadays, the workload is unbearable, the weather is unpredictable, the depression is snowballing, the missing is so great, everything feels not right, tragedy happened at the most unexpected time. Yesterday the brits still cheering and celebrating for London had received the honor of hosting the Olympics 2012, today the whole London was in grief and despair.

Who knows how would one handle the situation if it happens again? Would it really be different?

Reading Lyon's words always makes me think a lot, what if i was in London today, what if i was one of the victim of the dreadful incident? Life is so fragile that i might just leave this earth called as home any moment, any time, any place without leaving a trace. The ironic thing is earth would still spining, the sun still rise and set in the same pace, life still carry on. Does it really make a difference if i'm not a part of the cycle of life anymore?

Supposed that now i know life is precious, i should appreciate it and stay away from anything that might be harmful. But what if all these incident are unavoidable, something called fate. Would it makes a difference even if i have the first hand experience? In reality, sometimes learning from experience isn't really practical. There are some lesson that u can never understand, things like life and dead, love and hate, right and wrong.

May all the lost souls rest in peace tonight.

paradox

current mood: turbulent and confused
song currently playing: DJ Tiesto "Close to you"

My friend always tell me that i am a paradox and a confused person,"giftpid", that was what they call me, cuz according to them, i am a gifted and a stupid person at the same time.

Well, i have no words to defend myself, cuz i am a PARADOX. Some said that i'm good in leadership, but some say that they choose me to become a leader because its easier for them to tolerate my way instead for me to tolerate their way; Some say that i am confident, but at times i feel like wanna hide in the closet cuz' i have no faith and guts to face the cruel world outside; Some say that i am affable and easy to socialize with, but some people think that i am an introvert that always keep all the thoughts to my own.

i think i'm charged with guilty and should be subjected to penalty of life long prison. i know that i am good at remembering facts and doing exam, but i am sucks in anything to do with figures like remember phone numbers; i am sensitive with what others had done wrong, but i often blindfolded by my own wrongs and takes others for granted; i always console others and tell them dont think too much,just stay happy, but actually i find it's extremely difficult to stay happy all the time and i frequently struggling and torturing myself with nonsense thinking that does no use except kills my brain cells.

Lately, i just discovered another bad bad character of mine.(when i say bad, i do mean its BAD) i always felt empty and lonely when i supposed to feel happy and satisfied. Everytime when i seems to very much enjoy the happy moments, like hanging out with friends, celebrating my birthday etc, then out from no where, the question "is this happiness real?" will certainly popped up in my head and instantly the next thought that comes into my mind will be, "this is way too much, i dont deserve this."

CP noticed that i always suddenly going silence or hold back myself at unexpected moments. My ex told me that i'm phobic to commitment. i always try to define what are the restraining force that prevent me from enjoying those happy moments and events to fullness, I know its just something called as character whereby people deal things in their own way, but where did this attitude came from? i'm an insecure person that live in a secure surrounding, what a paradox. i have a loving family, a caring bf and lots of friends, i got the opportunity of studying at overseas and might as well have a bright future ahead, but why did i still feel that there is something wrong when everything is right?

"i was incredibly moved,
maybe a little frightened by the depth of the emotion...."
~Todd Herzog, Walking across Walden

I see the glimpse of the answer when i first read through the line. at times, i'm just frightened by the depth of the emotion that i felt. its pretty amazing that there seems to be no limit to how much human can feel, how happy a person can be? extremely happy? exhilaratingly happy? so damn happy? well, its funny to confine the happiness into words, cuz its simply undescribable. I think i have limited emotion state, which cannot sustain too much happiness i guess. when the feeling went overboard, my heart will subconsciously shut the door and make me feel no more.

i wish i can be more happy, but my heart tell me not to do so, paradox.