The end

have you ever felt that you are completely devastatingly dissapointed by someone that holds a place in your heart?

everytime you told yourself, its only human that he felt and acted in that way, and everytime you told yourself to have more patience, and everytime you try to find a sensible excuse to make yourself believe that the person had a reason for acting that way, but again and again the person violated and stomped on your trust with no mercy.

'i dont trust that she is the one that can help me from drowing.'

initially, you felt shocked and disbelief. how can a dear friend of yours didnt have any trust in you at all. Then the evil one came and sowed the seed of distrust and suspiscious in your heart, you started to hold back your heart, you started to distant yourself, you started to talk less and without realizing, you become a total stranger to the person.

Once in a while, you felt guilty.

is it alright if i'm treating him like a total stranger? you keep asking yourself.

is this the end of the precious relationship that once i'm treasure so much? you keep asking yourself.

were did all those great times and tears we shared together dissapeared? you keep asking yourself.

yet, silence is the only answer that you get.

which can cuts the deepest?

The sarcastic grin that sends shivers to your spine?

The emotionless cold face that makes you wanna turn away?

That ain't called pain.

The cruel reality of the end of the friendship is something that hurts you so much that you wanna make the person feels that same intensity of pain too.

yeah, you are not a life savior, you cant help him from drowning. cuz you are just a friend.

But now, the friend is dead.

5 CommentsChronological Reverse Threaded

delete reply lyonlionel wrote on Jan 31, '06, edited on Jan 31, '06 It is one's choice to choose one's own path no matter how clear we can foresee what is to come and no matter how hard we rally to help. I'm sorry. Be well soon.

delete reply nightscamp wrote on Jan 31, '06 I know exactly how you feel Susan... My 'friend' put me through the same thing bringing me now facing the same decision, that it's best I walk away than drowning myself trying to save someone who doesn't believe and doesn't want to give me that chance to even save him. Instead he wants the person who drowned him in the first place. Our death is not worth holding on to strands of a friendship which no longer exists.

delete reply ahlok2003 wrote on Feb 2, '06 "have you ever felt that you are completely devastatingly dissapointed by someone that holds a place in your heart" yes. it hurt and forgive and forget.

delete reply eugenetwj wrote on Feb 2, '06 Whats going on? Im sure there are many ways to look at things. Cool down and think back. Is what happened worth ending a once valuable friendship? Really? Think of those times you had together, surely you know that person well enough to expect such a reaction. She must have her reasons, and you two must talk nicely before you can understand and end the friendship properly. Consider carefully. If you must take a step back then try to do it, its in your heart that you are humbler.

delete reply pohmui wrote on Feb 2, '06 Drowning? erm... he? she? I think both of you must have gotten some misunderstanding.. or maybe he or she doesn't mean that way? Let us calm down and step back to see the whole thing as one whole picture..

opportunist

'opportunist', thats what businessman called themself.

This morning, my business lecturer keep repeating the words until it makes me felt sick. He claimed that there were tons of opportunities or huge market for the survival and disaster planning, or self sufficiency products, as the extreme and bizzare winter in UK and the perceived threat from terorrist attack (eg. the 11/9, London bombing incidents) had created a 'survivalist' mentality in population. And as a true enterpreneur, this is a golden opportunity to make money!

Taking advantages of these disasters and sad happenings as an opportunity to get big pounds, how sickening is that! which reminded me of how much i dislike business. i knew the business itself is a neutral thing, but the way that some businessman over-emphasizing on the profit than the business ethics and integrity just makes me feel sad. The tactic that they use to lure and to manipulate the customer, the way that they perceived these sad happenings as a potential market and a source of innovation...

sigh....

living in this world is no longer like the cavemen world, what brings foward the existence of businessman? in fact its us, ourselves, cuz we need providers for the community. And to be truth, without customer, they wont even exist, hence we do need the businesman to ensure the continuity and the survival of human race. so should i blaming the businessman for taking advantages of every opportunity to earn profit for themselves??? Apparently, they did no wrongs in the eyes of the law. you cant get prosecuted for being selfish nor money minded. Being moral and yet profit minded at the same time, thats spells for I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E.

Hence, the perfect society remains an utopia.

pathetic. living in such a distorted world.

... yet unseen

Why do we close our eyes when we sleep? When we cry?
When we imagine? When we kiss?
This is because the most beautiful things in the world are unseen.

Showering in God's bless, how beautiful yet how easily we were blinded by it,
all the bliss and bless that we received everyday,
all the air that we breath in everyday,
all the colors that we see everyday,
all the people that we meet everyday,
its not just serendipity, its not just a sheer coincidence,
and its not just something we can take for granted.
its God's grace. so true yet unseen.

Dear heavenly father, open my eyes...
to see the beauty inside,
to see the bless in disguise,
to see the wounded soul beneath the smiley face,
to see the truth and rightenous in this sinful world.

and the most important of all,
to see love.

beauty versus pain

It is well accepted that in any kind of religions and believes, the existence of the positives always accompanied by the negatives, the yin and yang, God and demons, good and evil, life and death etc. The flowers will always bloom and wither, babies born and old man dies… cuz that’s the principle that guides the continuity of the harmony and even the survival of the universe. In fact, there will always be a mid point which will ensure that the balance between the positives and negatives is not overthrown.

However,
Is there really a balance in relationship?
Will a relationship last if the guy loves the gal much more than she does or vice versa?
why is the good times always seems to be shorter?
why is the sadness always last longer?
why is the feeling of pain is more intense than joy?

Why did I felt jealous so easily?
Why am I so demanding?
Why can’t I compromise and tolerate a bit more?
Why am I always gloomy and emotional over tiny issues?

I always thought that the balance theory will works well for the emotions and feelings experienced in the relationship, eg. the joy and the pain, the ups and downs… The two counteract elements will always balance out each other, in a way that, the more happy you are, the greater the sadness you will felt afterwards, the more you love a person, the easier you will feel upset over some tiny flaws which usually wont affect you with such a dense impact.

Hence, should I welcoming the negatives instead of trying to avoid it?
Somehow I’m not quite sure.

There is something called pain within the beauty,
And sometimes the things that really shake the human soul aren’t beauty or kindness
although those things are certainly moving, but they didn’t last long,
anger and sadness is different,
they leave an indelible mark,
even after the wounds heals,
you can never forget about the pain completely.

I acknowledge the fact that there will be down moments in our relationship, but still, the sadness that felt inside of me is real, so real that it causes the sensation of heartaches become more intense than ever.

which reminds me of how much I love you

I guess there is a balance point in the relationship after all…..

how i wish

how i wish i can kiss you good morning when u wake up,
how i wish i can do some nice sandwich and a great cup of tea for your breakfast,
how i wish i can walk with you into the sun welcoming the starting of a brand new day,
how i wish i can feel your strong hold around my wrist when the crowd are pushing each other inside the train,
how i wish i can give you a misscall when i reach my office safely,
how i wish i can secretly send you an i-miss-you message in the middle of the busy working hours just to relax my strung nerves,
how i wish i can call you just to tell you what i have for lunch today,
how i wish i can look foward to the dinner that we will have together at the end of the day,
how i wish to see you with your warm smile and wide open arms when the door of LRT opens,
how i wish to hold your hands while we take a slow walk back to our home sweet home,
how i wish i can kiss you goodnight before we roll together under the duvet sheets,
how i wish i can enters your thoughts before you fall asleep and is still there when you awake.
how i wish to spend my everyday with you.

how i wish....

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Peter is actually a fruit, not a vegetable. lol
this is so accurate, hehehe... ;p

and the days pass by...

it had been 12 days....

12 days since i waved goodbye to 2005, the year of transformation, the year that changed my life and path forever.... 2005 was a history now, i'm supposed to reflect on the good and bad deeds i have done for the past whole year, the things that i'm felt thankful and the matters that i regret the most so that i wont repeat again in the future.

and yet, i havent done any of them yet. i use to keep the tradition of sharing of the reflection and the new year's resolution on the new year's eve with my church mates for years. But this year, 2006, my new year's eve was spent infront of my books burning the midnight oil.

i didnt felt very thankful nor sad practically. Watching the sparks of the beautiful firework from afar, i was abit numb... what's a new year spell for me? this year i'm turning 23, where the life leads me to starting from now?

i think i have to be thankful for being in the state that i am now, no one predicted that i would come so far to this foreign land, no one even knew that me and bull will still go strong after 6 months of seperation... in fact, when everything was so undetermined and unpredictable, what for to squeeze my brain to think of something to do for the next 365 days??

23 years had passed, and i survived through it. Hence, for many years to come and many years to go, i think i will still be safe and blessed if The heavenly father allows.

a song dedicated to my bull, happy new year bull!

another year has gone by~Celiendion
So many 1st of january
Just as many 25th of december's
And we're still holding it together
It only comes down to you and I

I know you can still remember
Things we said right from the start
When we said that this could be special
I'm keeping those words deep down in my heart

Another year has gone by
And I'm still the one by you're side
After everything that's gone by
There's still no one saying goodbye
Though another year has gone by

I've never been much for occasions
You never let a birthday go by
With announcing how much you love me
But the truth was always there
Right there in your eyes
And we're still holding hands when we're walking
Acting like we've only just met
But how could that be
When there's so much history
Guess that's how true lovers can get

Another year has gone by

stary stary night

i was reading a blog about Vincent Van Gogh posted by a friend that i came to know during the three month stay in Marybone student hostel. i never knew him that close, but he is a nice lad, a person who carries the love for brother and sister on his shoulder, a person who had walked through a distorted path but now live with passion and purpose.

i heard about the story of the great painter Vincent Van Gogh, but i never knew the detail of his life, except some of his famous paints, eg The scream, which is full of sorrow and pain.

'....All his life he is trying to chasing after his dream, trying to become somebody. He had been worked unsuccessfully as a clerk, as an art salesman, and even as a preacher whereby he was kicked out by his church due to his overzealous act such as giving his own and only cloth to the poor during winter.

Finally he become a painter, a successful one many will assume he will be, but for his entire life he sold only one painting to his own brother. And one day, he cut his ear, send it to his friend through mail, and to end his tragic life, he shot himself...'

to be truth, i was depressed after i read his life story, how can a person lived such a tortured life even when he knew the love of God?

'....As I have been like Vincent Van Gogh, a madman whom losing hope and being ignore by all I considered dear, but I was saved and I witnessed the love of God.

The gift that we need to be ever prepare...is to bring love to the others...so that there wouldn't be too many unfortunate one like Vincent Van Gogh, if there is anyone had shown him such love, his life will be bright and sparkle just like one of his painting, the flaming flowers that brightly blaze.'

Below is the song sung by Don McLean dedicated to Vincent Van Gogh:

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night
You took your life as lovers often do
But I could have told you Vincent
This world was never meant for one as
beautiful as you

Starry, starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget
Like the strangers that you've met
The ragged men in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know
What you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they're not listening still
Perhaps they never will

To those who caged in their own mind and live a distorted life, may God bless you all.
ps: thanks for the heart-touching words of yours, ah liew.

my holiday

am i supposed to explain why did i disappeared from the bloggers world for the past whole month? well, actually, there are quite a few reasons behind my tragic dissapearence, but the main reason is:

I'm Lazy

eik, guess thats not a good reason, isnt it? who cares anyway.

yeah, that was quite a while since the last time i blogged, it was indeed a busy yet lazy holiday. First of all, i went to London before christmas, its a nice place to visit acually, not as 'cityish' as i thought, cuz there are not many sky scrappers compare to other metropolitan city such as new york, but busy streets indeed. People are rushing in and out of the subway station like there is no tomorrow, the double deckers are always full like sardin and even the air smells a bit of tyres and big Mac, i guess thats what spell for C-I-T-Y.

Buckingham palace looks like a big prison with so many guards and frequent guard changing. St james park is nice, perfect place for sun bathing and muscle stretching. straightly fell in love with the peaceful view and the school of swams swimming gracefully in the river. London eye, westminister abey, st paul's cathedral, big ben are exactly what its shown in the tour guide, the achitecture design of the buildings were breathtakingly beautiful.

Convent garden is the best place among all, the street performers, the apple market, the chocolate shop, the tea shop, mary goes around etc. ohhhhh........i miss the smell of the earl grey tea in the early morning.

anyway, back to my busy holiday. apart from london, i had visited manchester, oxford and stonehenge as well, a bit fed up with the long hours of journey in the cars/bus now. moreover, suffered the consequences for weeks after the trips due to the intense, toturing revision for the january examination.

anyway, it was a great holiday, tiring but enjoying. a nice way to end the year 2005.

pointing at Buckingham palace

me and the gals at stonehenge

yuhuuuu.... Oxford!